Archives for 2011

A Family Photo

December 23, 2011 by Ashley Hackshaw

With all the chaos this month there was just no way for me to get out Christmas cards, so at the end of last week I asked Lisa to take our family photo. So here’s my virtual Christmas card to everyone…..even Diesel made it into the photo (and my super-hero jeggings):

Boo wasn’t too thrilled at first as you might remember from the outtake post but she eventually came around. I wanted a photo before my hair falls out…..it’s not permanent but it will take a while for this much hair to grow back:

I have no idea where yesterday went. I think I went to sleep at about 6pm last night and don’t remember anything until waking up this morning at 7am. I needed that. My mother flies in today for a few weeks. I’m so excited to have her help……but I know it’s exhausting for her as well.

I’ve got some last minute wrapping to finish today and tomorrow and the rest of the family has taken care of all the cooking and get-togethers for Christmas. I’m so blessed to have such a wonderful family. I couldn’t imagine a more wonderful Christmas.

I’ll be around but wanted to make sure if things got to hectic around here that I remembered to tell you all: MERRY CHRISTMAS AND HAPPY HOLIDAYS! CHOOSE JOY!

Photo of the Day: Sleepy….and Itchy!

December 21, 2011 by Ashley Hackshaw

Chemotherapy side effects are the topic o’ the day. First, thank you so much for all the sweet thoughts and encouragement yesterday. Gicela helped watch Boo most of the day out in the studio and I spent the day sleeping after I got back from chemo:

I only slept about 2 hours last night. My body was just wired and restless. I felt like every nerve in my legs and arms were going crazy. I ended up being able to sleep a little on the couch last night with my feet tucked tightly in the cushions and with a cool-feeling lightweight down comforter. And I was so itchy! I felt like Boo when she says that she “itches, but the itch keeps itching back!” I took three showers from last night until this morning trying to get rid of the “toxic” smell that I felt kept coming out of my pores. Even my pee smelled toxic. My joint and muscle pain went away this morning.

I DID remember to take the “take or die” drug this morning at 7am sharp and JUST took my 2nd dose a few minutes ago. The nurse’s scare tactics worked. Today’s chemo was only a few hours but my legs were so restless I couldn’t relax in the chair….I just sat leaning forward. I can’t even remember what I got except for Etoposide which I lovingly refer to as the “hair loss drug” …..but I do know they gave me Benadryl with my pre-meds to stop the itching. It worked a little. I’m going to try to get scheduled to have a port put in my chest before next week’s chemo and blood draws because both my arms are so sore and tender now.

Boo is acting out today. While I slept and she was playing in the studio with Gicela….. she cut every thread from every machine…..which only makes more work for Gicela tomorrow. I haven’t felt well enough to make it to daily prayer circle at school with her the last few months and that was her reason for doing it…..I guess she thinks when I don’t take her to school I’m sitting around here sewing. I tried to explain to her that I am just resting when I don’t take her. My MIL is taking her to a movie tomorrow and my mother flies in on Friday for a few weeks so that will help tremendously.

My appetite has been really good this afternoon. I can’t lose anymore weight. My friend Mandy brought me Tabouli from Costco which has been my “go to” snack right now. Everything they do to me is only getting me closer to being better……and as I always say, at least it’s not Boo.

My HCG levels were a huge drop this week too: around 500….but I can’t remember the actual number. That’s progress!

Something Borrowed and Blue

December 20, 2011 by Ashley Hackshaw

Chemotherapy Day. This morning I felt like I was getting married or something…..or starting a new chemo regimen. I had a bag packed with something old (my 2 year old running shoes), something new (comfy outfit from my friend Staci and her mom Elaine), something borrowed and blue (Boo sent her blue Ugly Doll Ket)….I made sure Ket was in a few photos:

I was supposed to show up at 8:30am. When we got there my FIL Barry showed up….he had just finished his morning rounds at the hospital. He absorbs all the information and asks the right questions and I know he’s looking out for me.

We went over my scans from last week again and the risks of the treatment with Dr. L. The decision was to get through a few rounds of the EMA-CO regimen and then do some more scans to look at my liver again to see if anything happens to the tumor there. No one wants to biopsy it….the risks outweigh the benefits and if anything were to go wrong it would affect the current treatment. Dr. R, my gynecological oncologist from Loma Linda, called and gave his blessing.

So Day 1 of EMA-CO was:

E – Etoposide (small bag): This drug attacks cells during various stages of division. Maybe that’s why it makes you lose your hair?
M – Methotrexate (huge bag): I was a little shocked at first at the huge bag of Methotrexate I was given. The dosage was FOUR times what I have been getting the last 8 weeks. This drug keeps cancer cells from dividing.
A – Actinomycin-D (by injection into IV): Dr. L had to special order this because it isn’t used often. It’s an anti-tumor antibiotic.

Each drug was given one at a time and before they started I was hydrated well and given nausea medicines by IV. They had a hard time getting blood from my finger first thing. I have really long skinny fingers and they just kept turning purple all day. They might put in a port soon but for now the IV is working and I asked them to take it out when I left knowing they’d still have to put it back tomorrow. I just wanted to be free of it all and walk out the door with no contraptions. They’ll find a vein somewhere….

“HOW are you going to fit THAT inside of me?”

I’ll be honest that it bothered me a little that the word “TOXIC” was written all over this huge bag of neon yellow liquid slowly dripping into my body….no turning back now!

Gale brought me some food from Cheesecake Factory and I ate as much as I could. Barry came to check on me too.

7+ hours total of chemotherapy today. After about 6 hours my brain felt cloudy. I could smell the toxicity coming out of my pores. I finally got home around 6pm. I was able to eat a little dinner but mainly my joints hurt and my leg muscles don’t feel like they work quite right. I’ve got a massive headache too and I’m just trying to stay hydrated. Brett says I sound drunk when I talk…..I feel out of it…really foggy…..I guess that’s what they call “chemo brain.” I only speak in 3 word sentences.

The most important thing about Methotrexate is remembering to take my Leucovorin in the morning right on time. Leucovorin decreases the bad side effects. I joked “Dr L. said if I don’t take it right on time I will DIE.” The nurses didn’t even crack a smile and said “he’s right, you WILL die if you don’t take it.” They win….way to scare the patient in to following orders! I have every alarm set on my phone since I can’t even remember how old I am or what the year is. Brett went to pick up the prescription at the pharmacy tonight and they said they didn’t have it available. Brett: Really? That’s the one thing she’ll need or she’ll die. So, they called every Walgreens in town and figured it out after talking to the doctor’s office that they could use smaller doses and I would just take more.

I think the hardest part of the day was hearing from no less than 10 people: you are TOO young to be in here. And there were the sad smiles when I gave any details of why I was there. I just tried to reassure them that it was okay. As Dr. R says: we are bringing in the “bazooka” now. Yahoo.

We must not wish for the disappearance of our troubles but for the grace to transform them.

-Simone Weil