Today was a full day of chemo: the EMA day of EMA-EP regimen (or EP-EMA as it actually goes chronologically). I think I’m looking a little jaundiced in this pic. I should get some numbers back tomorrow so I’m crossing my fingers that they are good! Last week’s chemo Cisplatin kicked my rear….so it had to do something, right? I have this mass growing right behind the right side of my belly button…….Mr. LBB can even see it if I turn sideways. I totally forgot to mention it to Dr. L too. Good thing I’ll be right back there tomorrow morning! Part of me thinks it’s maybe just scar tissue that become painful and causing swelling…..if it’s just scar tissue, that’s easy. It’s pretty close to my incision…about 2 inches to the side of it. Dr. L said that the Cisplatin could cause the tumors to flair for a bit….so maybe that’s what is up….but that would be a PRETTY big flare for me to be able to see it on the OUTSIDE of my body and up a few inches from my pelvis. Anyways, it’s causing tons of pain in my abdomen…just enough that I think about it enough to get in and out of bed weird like I’ll hurt the tumors. I think they left something under my incision too…..it looks like a long staple but kind of like cartilage. Gross! And it keeps stabbing me! I’m a big mess! I told Mr. LBB if all this stuff just keeps growing I’ll look like the Elephant Man soon! I’ve always wanted to join circus though…..and Water for Elephants was amazing.
Want to see something gross? Okay…too late to ask really, so here it is. My grossly bruised arm on one side….and full of spray paint on the other. The bruise is actually from last week. I asked the nurse to put the IV on the side of my arm….and she got the needle in and then my arm started swelling up like a baseball. Needles don’t even phase me anymore. I sit there and watch her poke and prod and move the needle all around to find a vein and I don’t even flinch…..but as it started painfully throbbing and swelling up I said matter-of-factly “I don’t think this is going well.” She agreed. We found a vein in my hand the next time. I have a high pain tolerance….so I’d still rather just get poked a few times than get a port or PICC line…..AND I love leaving chemo gadget free. Seriously, I’m pretty sure I could insert my own needles at this point. The nurse putting my needle in today got to see the spray paint all over my arm. I told her “I showered….promise…the paint just won’t come off!”
I felt great at the start of chemo…..until I ate 2 burritos and a box of Girl Scout cookies. It was seriously all that sounded edible to me….and Mr. LBB made a run to El Pollo Loco and brought me 2. The nurses always tell me to eat light on chemo days….nothing too heavy. Burritos and peanut butter cookies are “light fare” right?!
After the burritos and cookies it took all the energy I had not to hurl. I’m not sure I can eat El Pollo Loco burritos for a long time now….so maybe that’s a good thing. I sunk deeper and deeper into my chair and took a nap to sleep it off. It worked. I felt 100% better 2 hours later.
See how yellow my hand looks? Well, today was “Mountain Dew” Methotrexate day…..the huge bag of neon yellow liquid that goes through the IV. I showed the nurse my hand and she started freaking out a little. Then I remembered that I had used a TON of yellow spray paint yesterday on Boo’s playroom shelves…..it was just spray paint and it kind of glowed under the fluorescent lights a little more. I SWEAR I took a shower this morning!!!
There were lots of really elderly people today at the infusion center. Like 90 years old elderly. I felt so bad for some of them. One woman was being admitted to the emergency room and an elderly man was in a lot of pain. I had to put my ear plugs in and listen to music or I would have gotten really, really upset. I’d just like to say that Nurse R needed some real cheering up this morning. She seemed kind of grumpy. So I just talked her ear off until she came around. It was kind of early though. I ran into my friend Mr. F from a month or so back….so that was nice. I asked about his awesome friend Mr. S that made such an impression. I’ve been hoping he’d come back and do those magic tricks he talked about.
Lisa held down the fort all day and worked on my donut party stuff. I got home to some amazing finished projects. It made my day. Lisa also listed the Choose Joy necklace made exclusively for Lil Blue Boo by the Vintage Pearl. We would have never guessed that it would sell out so quickly. It’s very humbling and I’m so appreciative to Erin from the Vintage Pearl and to everyone who bought one today. Erin isn’t making a dime off of them…..that’s such an amazing gift. She’s donated the time of her team to help raise some money for my medical bills….plus I really wanted her to make the necklace so I could have one too. She let me help design it and I knew I wanted something vintage with patina. It was exactly what I envisioned. They sold out….but we are going to do a pre-order for them tomorrow through Monday in the Big Cartel shop so look for that! (We just have to give Vintage Pearl some extra time to make the next batch!)
A wonderful group of friends is putting together an auction at the end of the month as a fundraiser. They surprised me with it and I’m honestly overwhelmed and without words. It’s SO much work and they are putting so much time and effort into it. And all the amazing vendors that have donated….I’m without words…except for thank you from the deepest depths of my heart. It’s hard for me to ever write about money but I want to mention the auction because they are working so hard at it. I honestly just put my medical bills in a pile and say “someday I’ll get to those.” It’s hard to deal with that when you aren’t feeling well and the appeal process on some treatments and procedures is just never ending. I don’t try to worry about it though….my first priority is my family, friends and employees….and getting better. I’ll wrap my head around it one day and blog about it. One day at a time. LOVE YOU TEAM ASHLEY GALS!
Click below to read Amy’s (of Evy’s Tree) great post she put together about how I got here….and about the Team Ashley Auction.
They made these awesome “I donuted” tees that I think are only available through tonight. Stephanie Corfee, the artist, knows me through and through……I couldn’t imagine a more perfect image for a tee.
P.S. I read in my Jesus Calling book the other day: Refuse to waste energy on worrying, and you will have strength to spare. I had to send it immediately to my friend Elaine who recently suffered a stroke and is now recovering. She’s doing awesome by the way….it’s a long road but I know she can do it. She’s stronger and more determined than I am!
Geez, girl! That’s quite a day! Praying hard for you and your whole fam here in AL. Much love and peace.
we love you too sweetie! Get some rest! xoxo
I Just ordered myself the racerback tank and my 4 1/2 year old wanted a pink tank top. Can’t wait to get them.
Hope you have a good night and get good news tomorrow. Will look for information on the auction.
Love reading your blog entries, truly courageous woman you are and I commend you for making your journey public!!
About your lump, are you sure its not a hernia? Reason I ask is if it is protruding so you can see it on your abdomen, we just went thru a similar situation with my momma, except she has pancreatic cancer :S and had a HUMONGOUS hernia operated on….she got it from her whipple surgery we are assuming. Hernias are quite common with abdominal surgery…just a though.
I want to say this is the first time I am ever commenting on any blog (hopefully doing it right). You are truly amazing and I am not much into reading blogs but I love yours…I started by reading about a craft or something a while back and then liked you on Facebook and was hooked everysince. I am glad your choosing joy- but please remember it’s okay to have a bad day or be angry once in a while, NO ONE will ever think less.
I want to comment on the thing your feeling in your incision. That hard pokey thing you’re feeling. Sometimes when an incision is sewn up the inner layer is done with a dissolvable suture which indeed takes a long while to dissolve and can feel hard and pokey 🙂 Bad news- time makes it better 🙂
Have a good weekend and keep kicking cancers azz!!
Angie
I’ve been following your blog for a short time now, and want to thank you for sharing your story. Your honesty about what you’re experiencing is helping so many people. I’m a 32 year old mother of 2 little boys (1 & 4), and am currently going through chemo, after having surgery for breast cancer that was diagnosed in November. Your positivity is inspiring, and I find myself wondering how you’re doing often, even though I don’t know you. The video where you shaved your head is beautiful…I’m thinking my hair is going to be gone in a matter of days, and seeing your video has helped me, & my 4 year old was quite interested in watching it too. Sending you lots of love and hugs from Canada, and praying your current chemo regimen is kicking the cancer’s butt!
Ashley, I just wanted to let you know that I understand what you mean about the earplugs. I vividly remember loosing my cool one day while at MD Anderson’s here in Texas. It is amazing how therapeutic it can be though, to be around those going through the same battle you are. I will never forget how the older man that was sitting across from me, moved to sit next to me to give me a hug and tell me how it was going to be ok. Upon hearing him talk to me in a soothing voice, I had several others move over to where I was, to either give me a hug or offer a prayer. After a few minutes we were all laughing and making jokes. We all have our moments, at different times and triggered by different things. I just wanted you to know that there is strength in numbers. One day is might be you being strong for someone else, and maybe one day, you will be the one on the receiving end. Never for a second think you are alone, or that your battle or the battle of the people you have come to care about, has to be fought alone. You have plenty of sister and brother warriors, that have either btdt, are going through it now, or knows and loves someone who has btdt. Lean when you need to lean, support when you can, the same goes for crying and laughing. Much ♥
I hope you’re able to get some rest and poop of course! Please don’t forget to talk to the doctor about the lump!
hugs and more hugs and a sweet lullaby 🙂 rest well coz we need all that we can garner to kick this C’s butt!
I bought my t-shirt. I donuted. 🙂 And I didn’t even realize I had turned an odd shade of yellowish green until a few weeks later when I saw a picture of myself! I still remember my friend shyly saying, “yeah, you’ve been kinda yellow for a while now…”! Oh — and if you do get a port, they’re not that bad. It’s under your skin, nothing hanging out. I tried to argue that decision until they told me my drugs would burn out all my veins — quickly. And well, that’s just gross and it sounds like it’ll hurt — so I caved! I’m glad you were able to rest. xoxo
I’m a 13 year cancer survivor. (Melnoma, Mets to lymphnodes). I don’t know how I came across your blog, but I’m glad I did. I don’t know how you can watch them put a needle in. I would be barfing! I will never be use to that. I had Interferon for a year. IV everyday for a month and then 3 shots a week for 11 months. The day after my shot was always the worst, but like you, the worse I felt, the more I felt like the crap was working. It sounds like you have a great support team. That is sooooo important. I will tell you that you should always tell the truth to your family and friends how you feel. It doesn’t do anyone any good if they don’t know. I tried to be strong and keep my feelings inside and that was the worst thing to do. Sometimes you just need to scream and move on. : ) You and your family are in my prayers. I bought one of your tee shirts. They’re so cute! Be good to yourself. Lori
As always, you ahve an amazing attitude Ashley! Only you would show up a the hospital covered in spray paint AND have the energy to cheer up a grumpy nurse!! Seriously!! You are wonder woman! You are in my thoughts and prayers every day. xoxo
I got in trouble at my doctor’s today for not taking my methotrexate. Now I take it for rheumatoid arthritis (I’ve had it since I was a kid) not cancer but it still makes me sick and makes my hair fall out. But now my numbers don’t look good. I thought about you. If you can handle that big Mountain Dew bag then I can quit being childish and just take a little handful of pills once a week. Plus, there’s always that Leucovorin chaser to look forward too 😉 You are an inspiration! <3
You are an amazing inspiration. Truly.
sleep well sweet lady~ my head is down, and my prayers are going up for good numbers tomorrow.
I am thinking very low numbers. Your positivity is so inspiring.
Keeping you & your family in my prayers. Hugs.
I’m sorry if I seem negative as I commented on facebook allready, but you really shouldn’t use spray paint, it’s realy toxic even for someone in good health!
If you realy have to use it, you should use protections (goggles, mask, gloves, long sleeves etc.) and spray only outside. The paint is sprayed in very thin drops and it can go right through your skin, you can breath it…
Anyway, I send you positive thoughts from France!
Praying for you now. The necklace is gorgeous and I love the t-shirt! Go Team Ashley!
PRAYING for you Ashely… you are such a strong beautiful woman… and are an inspiration for me to choose JOY throughout my day…as I go through my own personal trials… THANK YOU… p.s. I just bought one of those shirts they are fantastic 🙂 Choosing Joy today!
Through all of that, I still can “hear” the humor and strength in your words! Somehow, your battle is giving all of us strength too just for everyday life stuff…how does that happen? I wish we could send some of ours to you, too. I have to tell you that as a busy working mother of a teen and toddler, and also a blogger, I rarely ever check anyone’s blog because I don’t have the time. However, since reading your posts, I check yours at least twice a day and before bed. You are a light and continue to shine and please know that people care so much!
Wow…what a day! You’re a Champ as always! The necklace was sold out before I had a chance to see it but I will get on the pre-order and I love the t-shirt…ADORABLE!
Rest today and know we all are praying for you!
Love ya,
Beth
I want that necklace!!!!!!
You are so hilarious with your spray painting! I hope those scans are exactly what you want to see! Hang in there post chem today and this weekend. Take it easy!
You are amazing! Hugs to you today and everyday.
Day-um. I bow down in respect to your PICC-free-ness. That’s hardcore. I get twitchy after having a needle in my arm for 50 minutes donating platelets, I can’t believe you go the whole day! Guess I need to stop being a baby! Hope you are feeling better today!
Oh my goodness. Someone sent me to your site because we had a journey when our 3 year old was sick sick sick and getting transfused and tested every week and in the middle of it our baby boy arrived 7 weeks early and was in a different hospital NICU. Oh my. It all lasted about 2 years – for our older son to receive treatment (and now he’s fine!!) but our mantra/chant/belief was CHOOSE JOY!! Isn’t that amazing? We even had a big Choose Joy party to thank our friends and family and neighbors who helped us so so so much while we were suffering. We asks a graphic designer to make buttons made up that say Choose Joy and we gave them to everyone at the party. They’re pretty and summery and I’d love to send you a bunch to pass out or hang up if you’d like. Please email me if I can send you that gift-I would be thrilled to send them to a kindred spirit. You are in my prayers and I’m sending you a HUGE Choose Joy smile. My family made the same choice as yours – it will help you so much during your journey. 🙂 Oh, and I will be ordering the Choose Joy necklace for me. What a treat!
I’m thinking about you and praying things get better! You are so incredibly strong and bring hope to so many with your attitude. Hang in there!
Every time I worry lately I try to think of you and your awesome attitude and it really does help snap me out of a funk. Thanks for that! Choose Joy!
i love you honey. Hate being so far away and watching your skinny lil yellow hands and sleepy face as you go through this. 🙁 you’re truly a rock star. xox
Okay, I’m coming out. I’ve been lurking for a month now and I just want to tell you how incredibly amazing I think you are! Huge hugs to you! I would love to donate to any auctions or fundraising or anything I can help with. I have an Etsy shop that sells vintage finds and if any of it would ever work for those purposes I would be glad to contribute.
and P.S…..anyone named Ashley is automatically awesome. Just sayin.
You are one tough girl! I will keep a positive attitude today thinking about you.
I don’t even remember how I came across your blog (And it was only a few days ago. haha) but anyway, I love it. I’ll be praying for you and your family, I cannot imagine going through that. :/
Btw, the shirt? I love it. Hahaha
“whatever things are true, whatever things are noble, whatever things are just, whatever things are pure, whatever things are lovely, whatever things are of good report, if there is any virtue and if there is anything praiseworthy – meditate on these things.”
I find your courage inspirational. I purchased one of your “choose joy” necklace to use as a daily reminder to do just that. Thank you for all your honesty, strength, and passing on joy. Best wishes and healing thoughts.
You always make me cry, I’m so sorry you are going through this,I know you are choosing joy but I just wish you didn’t have to feel this pain my hear breaks for you.I’m praying!
just preordered my CHOOSE JOY necklace! love them. and i think that it’ll be a good reminder that NO MATTER what we are going through in this life to choose to by joyful. :]
have you heard the song “Healer” by Kari Jobe? if not … http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RvIEJ_PmqJ8
OH, and i just devoured half a box of girl scout lemonade cookies and i wanna barf, too.
How in the world did I get here?!
It started very simply with an etched dish soap bottle I thought was beautiful. And then a picture of a beautiful blond woman who, based upon the website pages I browsed, must have a very lucky and fulfilling life–creative and talented; making beautiful things and blogging about them; an adorable little girl with a special birthday dress…and then, I’m not sure how it happened, I was reading about cancer, chemotherapy and still high spirits. And crying. On a Friday at noon. While I was supposed to be preparing financial statements and strategic plans….
It was an incredible turn, an entirely new direction with a simple click of my mouse. You are such an inspiration, Ashley. Fight. Keep that spirit about you. And put that pile of medical bills in the most beautifully decorated box you can find or make. May many more of us find your blog…and your Team Ashley auction..and the Donate button.
And once I make that etched Dish Soap dispenser, I’ll still be thinking of you…
I discovered your blog via Jaybird Quilts and although I am a complete stranger, I have to say that your honesty is inspirational. Two years ago I was diagnosed with breast cancer and began my own cancer journey. I too made a point of sharing my journey (the good and the bad laid out for all to see) and finding the bright side of even the worst situations … to choose joy! Continue to “say it like it is” and live each day to its fullest! Without a doubt I will order a Choose Joy necklass as a constant reminder that joy really is a choice. Continue to fight, because after the hurricane there’s a rainbow 🙂
Just pre ordered my necklace!!! Can’t wait for the auction! Gotta help a Molar Pregnancy Sister out! You deserve peace of mind so you can spend your energy on healing! Thank you for being such an inspiration!
I just pre-ordered my necklace today!!! I’m so glad they decided to do that since I missed them yesterday. I hope you are feeling well. Still praying hard for you and your family! I truly feel like I know you and I want you to know we’re pulling for you down in AL! 🙂
love ya..
Thinking of you Ashley and praying everything is okay. You really are an inspiration!
Hey Ashley – I have been thinking of you and praying for you. Just wanted to share this verse:
Says the Lord…”Don’t be afraid, I’ve redeemed you. I’ve called your name. You’re mine. When you’re in over your head, I’ll be there with you. When you’re in rough waters, you will not go down. When you’re between a rock and a hard place, it won’t be a dead end – because I am God, your personal God, The Holy of Israel, your Savior. I paid a huge price for you: all of Egypt….! That’s how much I love you! I’d sell off the whole world to get you back, trade the creation just for you.” Isaiah 43:2
I know he’s with you, protecting you and comforting you.
I just can’t wrap my head around the fact that you have to pay for healthcare (I’m Canadian). My father had to go into the ER on a trip to Vegas last year and had to pay 4k for having IV fluids and that was it. It’s so appalling. Sending positive thoughts your way, as always.
Erica – most people do have insurance. However, the out of pocket, co-payments can be really high and add up. It can be a battle between treating doctors and health insurance to get procedure approved and covered. Very stressful.
Also, a friend of mine without insurance had Stage II colon cancer and Hoag Hospital in Newport Beach, CA covered surgery, aftercare, everything.
Xoxoxoxoxo that’s all. Praying. And I went in dunkin donuts today for coffee. I left with a donut too and I ate it while I said my prayer for you;)
You are such an inpiration to me!
Thank you for sharing your experience. Sending you healing vibes. Much love to you and your beautiful family.
I feel so bad for you. Sending you good vibes and prayers for strength.
I pre-ordered your necklace. It’s beautiful, love the turqoise and “Choose Joy”, of course.
I’ve also been stalking your blog for a few years. You are ALWAYS in my prayers. I added the button to my blog and told all my friends. GO team Ashley. Edward who??
Can’t wait to get my necklace and for sure will order the t-shirts too! Your the BOMB Ashley!!
Hugs from Utah!
Sending love and prayers from Arkansas that your numbers are going to be great!
I just can’t wait to get a blog from you in my email. I look for it. I’m glad for them. They help me find my heart (I lost it for a while there and I’m on a recovery to get it back).
And you scared that poor nurse with the yellow spray paint! LOL .. April Fool’s joke early, huh?
I think your amazing.
Its so encouraging to read your blogs! Do u have kids? I have a 2&4 yr old girls. I was diagnosed with CML yesterday and honestly Im a bit freaked out about the journey ahead! BUT I choose HOPE and JOY during this time. I know I will have my ups and downs! Lay off that sugar girl it feeds cancer! Im now off all sugar and carbs “turn into sugar”. God speed and much love and ealing power your way!
I have been following ya for a while, just as a stalker! I totally know that your health is serious but I’ve been wondering something. I was curious about your hair loss. Does it effect ALL of your hair? If you don’t want to answer it is totally fine! I was just thinking it may be nice for you not to have to shave your legs. With so many down sides this might be a tiny perk. Other than that! Keep fighting! You can do this! We are cheering for you!
Ashley, I am sending hugs and prayers your way every day. You are an amazingly strong young woman.
Laura
I think that you have so much beauty about you. The pictures to me show courage, strenght and authenticity
Sening many prayers your way
I appreciate that you are sharing this with us. I am praying for you everyday. I really like the quote from your Jesus Calling book about not wasting time on worry and you will have time to spare. That is so true for all of us.
As a previous post said, it is amazing how your words encourage us as we go through our own trials. I was having a bad day today worrying about petty stuff and I read your post and it kind of put me in my place…. Choose joy! I am definately ordering the necklace and my daughter said she can’t wait for us to order the tees. Praying for healing for you.
Hugs
I firmly believe you need to do what you feel is best for you, but . . . .I couldn’t imagine going through chemo without a port. It really wasn’t painful to get one. Just with the IV’s I had to have for the surgeries and all of the blood work it became harder and harder to find veins that worked. And I too would get horrible bruises. It just made getting chemo easier and I think LESS painful. I don’t know if anyone has told you yet, but they have different size needles. Be sure to always tell them you need a small needle. And think about getting that port! Keep hanging in there – I know you are getting well!
I found your site from Stephanie Corfee’s (I had been saving to get her doodling book) and thought that both you and your site truly a delight. Delight is the absolute best word for what you have shown me with this blog and I am ready to “Be Still and Know That I am God”.
Don’t tell my husband, but I bought the joy necklace today (I’ll just have to wait a bit longer for Stephanie’s book) and will wear it always as a reminder that I DO have a choice.
I found the site where you can buy more of those fabulous cookies, it was just a quick jump from your link!
Gentle Hugs,
Nadine
I just found your website last night. You have the most beautiful shaved head I have ever seen! You Rock Bald! Godspeed in your recovery.
thinking of you and can’t wait to hear your news…..I know you have hit ZERO!!! Did you ever hear anything back from Dr. G? Just curious….
I missed out on those cute tees……sold out!!! you go girl!!!
love and hugs! Amy
Your such a strong person! I can’t even begin to imagine what it’s like to battle cancer and you somehow manage to cope with it with such a positive attitude, I admire that about you!
I can’t wait to get my “I donuted” that I’m having upcycled by GGG for my daughter. She watched Rite of Passage with me and I explained what exactly the tee stood for. She’s donated her hair and was so proud to help someone out that’s “sick”. I’m sure she’ll wear her GGG with pride!
I currently sell Scentsy and would be honored to do a fundraiser for you to help you out!
Stay strong and I’ll be praying for you!!!
I have been reading your blog and admire your strength and will be praying for you every day. Keep on fighting the fight try to visualize the cancer as something you don’t like and have the little PAC MAN character gobble the bad guys up. Just an idea I can’t recall where I saw this but it was a suggestion to help fight cancer. Take care!
On the comment about not wasting time worrying….you are right on track. Both my mother and I have serious health issues and our experience is that we simply cannot speak negatively (or if we do it’s very limited and only to one another) and we can’t be around negative or pessimistic people or we get down. You are doing such a wonderful job of staying positive but to me talking about what’s happening is also necessary and can be very therapeutic and your blogging allows you to do that. Hang in there and thank Sienna for being there. My little ones have the power to make me almost feel like I don’ t have anything wrong at just the right time and I cherish that power and super powered ability they have for me.
Is there any chance you will have more of the necklaces? The preorder is already sold out.
Ashley 🙂
Thoughts and prayers constantly your way!
Hugs,
Jen
I wish you all the best as you continue this journey! I couldn’t help but notice your box of Girl Scout cookies. They say “Peanut Butter Patties.” I live in Ohio and the same cookies here are called “Tag-A-Longs.” I never realized Girl Scout cookies had different names in different regions.
I really want a choose joy necklace!! Is there anyway that there will be any more for sale since the pre-order already sold out 🙁
Madeline <3
Yes! This action stuff is exciting and i love those tshirts! Keep us all updated on what’s going on so we can get involved.
Also, I love the “Jesus calling” book. My elderly friend used to read me little samples out of it and they were so encouraging!
Sorry, I don’t have a blog you can read:) I’m going through chemo as we speak. All those names of the drugs sound so familiar. I know it is a little late seeing as you are done your Chemo, but I am on an anti-emetic drug called EMEND and it is wonderful for nausea. It doesn’t cause constipation like Zofran does. Hope this helps for any of you out there going through Chemo.
Also, I feel so bad for all of you in States that have to worry about the financial burden on top of everything else. I am from Alberta, Canada and we are 100% covered for EVERYTHING and I don’t pay any Health Insurance. I pray you raise the funds you need.
LOVE the devotional ‘Jesus Calling” so helpful.
Joyce
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