Yesterday was Boo’s actual birthday and Mr. LBB and I took pizza to her classroom for lunch. Boo gave me her crown to wear…..and I loved hearing all the little kids talk about my head.
It was Boo’s share day too…..and she wanted to bring a book that a sweet reader sent to us called Promises. We bookmarked the page with the mommy in bed with an IV so she could show her class. Boo said it looked just like us….she teared up as we read the story for the first time:
Boo had a great birthday night with just Me, Mr. LBB, her Mimi and Papa and cousin Jordan:
Some of my hair is growing back in places…..so I had to have Mr. LBB shave my head a little because…..I look like a chia pet!
Me: I look like a cancer patient!
Lisa: You are a cancer patient.
Me: Oh yeah……
So I met with Dr. L this afternoon. He just wanted to see me before I go into another round of the Cisplatinum chemo so soon. My blood counts are really good though….just platelets are slowing down a little. So tomorrow is a go! I’ll be there for another 8 hour drip. And they’ll do more blood work. My body seems to be handling it really well. My white blood cells have yet to be under 4,000 despite 15 straight weeks of chemotherapy. My kidneys did great through the first cycle. That’s an answer to prayer. I joke with my family that maybe I’m a part of some secret government research project and they are giving me the placebo. Maybe those big bags are just sugar water! Dr. L is just being really careful because we have to be really aggressive but there’s a fine line…..and if we cross it he’d have to delay chemo for a few weeks and we know my type of cancer takes breaks as an opportunity to rapidly spread.
So…Dr. L dictates while he’s still in the room with patients….which I think is AWESOME. I get to hear EXACTLY what he thinks about what’s going on…….honestly. If he says something out of the ordinary I can ask him about it. The only thing that kind of gets old is hearing:
1st line chemotherapy Methotrexate: ineffective
2nd line chemotherapy EMA-CO: mixed response
3rd line chemotherapy EP-EMA: still to be determined
I asked him “um, how many more lines ARE there?” His response: basically one…..where I’ll get EP-EMA in smaller doses five days in a row. My blood work tomorrow should tell us if the current regimen is doing anything. My gut feeling is that results will be good. My pelvis isn’t hurting as bad…..so maybe the tumors are shrinking! Dr. L says I’m not his typical patient…..I never seem worried, or scared or sad. So he always asks “I know YOU are doing okay, but how is your husband. How is your family?”
****
My aunt Sharon recently sent me a package with some things that were my great grandmother’s…..including the photo below. It’s been sitting on my desk for a week or so and tonight it reminded me of something I wrote in one of my old journals that I’ll share below.
First, I’m so grateful for this photo because I always imagined such a painful picture of my great grandmother…and I love that she looks so joyful and carefree. Second, I’m grateful for this story even though it’s a sad one: My great grandmother Mabel was married when she was only 16 years old and had one child: my grandmother Marjorie (Marge). As Marge was growing up, Mabel would spend most of her time confined to a bed suffering from debilitating headaches. Mabel had many hospital stays and everyone assumes she most likely underwent electroshock therapy. There was no treatment that was able to alleviate these headaches. After prolonged spells, Mabel’s eyes would be black and bruised and her hair would literally fall out in chunks. There was one day when my grandmother Marge was getting a permanent at the salon and tried to call home to Mabel to check in. There was no answer. Marge panicked and quickly had the rods taken out of her freshly rolled hair and nervously rode the bus all the way home. After what was probably the longest bus trip of her life…..Marge hurried into the house to check on her mother, I’m sure expecting the worst. My grandmother Marge could see up to her parent’s bedroom from the base of the steps……and she caught a glimpse of her mother putting away a gun under the bed. It wasn’t to be that day….but my great-grandmother Mabel eventually did end her life. It was the morning after Christmas….and Mabel was supposed to be admitted to the hospital for treatment. She said “I will never go to the hospital again” and she meant it. My great grandfather George found her……she had put her head into the gas oven to asphyxiate herself by carbon monoxide poisoning. I can’t imagine the pain Mabel was in to have to resort to that.
Sylvia Plath had electroshock therapy, she tried to take her life in 1953 with sleeping pills and she eventually put her head into an oven too. There are many parallels so I’ve always had this fascination with Sylvia Plath…..thinking maybe I’d learn more about Mable that way. I’ve read every single one of SP’s unabridged journals and I’ve filled my own journals with snippets here and there. I’m sure Sylvia never imagined in a million years that I’d be reading her journals and requoting them in my own. Here’s a page from one of my journals (not dated, but around 2003):
It says:
Write about your own experience. By that experience someone else may be a bit richer some day. Read widely of others’ experiences in thought and action – stretch to others even thought it hurts and strains and would be more comfortable to snuggle back into the comforting cotton-wool of blissful ignorance. Hurl yourself at goals above your head and bear the lacerations that come when you slip and make a fool of yourself. Try always as long as you have breath in your body to take the hard way, the Spartan way – and work, work, work to build yourself into a rich continually evolving entity.
– Sylvia Plath
I love that I can read SP’s experience…..it’s the next best alternative to being able to read about my great grandmother’s. I think I can relate a little about the chunks of hair falling out too. It’s also why I document my own experience….for my daughter and her daughter……or for anyone else who might want to read it some day. Think about journaling….or even recording stories onto CD…..you might make someone else a bit richer some day.
Phew, that was a tangent……but I just wanted to check in today! I have a long day tomorrow at chemo….and hopefully the wifi is working well 🙂 Maybe they’ll let me take my IV outside in the sun for a while.
XOXO,
Ash
Oh, P.S. Choose Joy!
I love the photo of your Great Grandmother-i don’t think i’ve ever seen a photo from that era with someone smiling! (or maybe i don’t get round much!) Such a sad ending to her life-to be in that much pain must have been hideous for her.
I love the quote from your journal and hope it is ok that i have taken a copy of it as it applies to me today.
Good luck for tomorrow! I hope they let you out in the sun.
Choosing Joy all the way over here in Australia. xx
You have certainly made my day richer and I will spread that richness! Thank you for sharing. Bless you!
I agree with Jessica.. my day has just been made richer. Thank you for sharing this. I can’t say enough how inspiring you are!! Good luck tomorrow!
It’s funny… I just blogged about some days I’m just going around doing my thing, living, and I catch my reflection in the shiny microwave door and think Crap. I have cancer. I forgot. I’ll be thinking about you tomorrow, I hope it goes smoothly and I pray your blood results show positive results! xo!
Lisa,
I know what you mean. I would go shopping and wonder every once in a while, why are people looking at me. Then I would realize that I forgot to wear my beanie/hat. Oh well, My hubbie and kids didn’t mind, why should I.
Or the mornings when I hear my husband running the brush thru his hair and one side of my brain would think “Darn it, I forgot to brush my hair” and the other side of my brain would say “duh! You don’t have any”
What a ride we are on! Have a great day!
I am so happy you share your journey with us. Thinking of you and wishing you all the best.
Mine too. I love journaling and writing poetry. I pray someone’s else’s life is richer by my ramblings. I feel God has called me to write and share my experiences as well. I know He called you to be an inspiration to so many people. Thank you. Choose Joy!
I agree…I look forward to your posts every day, and you definitely have enriched my life in ways I didn’t expect eden I found your crafting blog. You are in my prayers daily! I choose joy!
I really enjoyed this post, as sad as your great-grandmother’s fate was. thank you for sharing, it’s made my life richer today. sending you strength for tomorrow, I’ll have my Choose Joy necklace on.
you make me want to journal….not for me as much as for my kids. love you. loved reading this post today. -xo
What a wonderful read. Good luck tomorrow.
My gut feeling is the same as yours – good news is a comin my friend! I ‘feel’ it for you! Good luck tomorrow & know He is always there with you! xoxo
Loved reading your post today and the picture of your great grandmother is awesome. Usually it seems in all those old photos people are never smiling and look depressed, so hard to imagine she took her own life and so sad.
Praying your chemo day goes well and your blood results are good.
I do not remember how I found your blog but I am thankful I did. You and your blog have been a blessing. I too am on this “C” ride in life and even though it is not nice to say, it is nice to find someone else going through this. I hope this finds you with your feet up, snuggled in a blanket and letting those dripping bags of fluid find those nasty cells and kill them. Hang in there! All those that stop in to visit (your blog) are thinking about you and praying for you in their own way. Have a blessed day!
Thank you for sharing Sylvias wonderful words of wisdom. By that passage alone I can see where you get your wisdom and wonderful way of words. Bless you and continue to choose joy. Always in my prayers,
Tammi
I have a grandma named Mabel too–I talk to her everyday. She is as mean as sin..but man, she makes me laugh. Good luck tomorrow.
Dear Ashley,
I think you are amazing!!! I’ve only been reading your blog now for about a month. I love your kids clothes, your crafty ideas , your writing and mostly your energy and attitude! You inspire me to Choose Joy everyday! My little girl , who’s 6, thinks you are a very pretty bald lady..I have to agree- you do wear it well!
I pray for you and that your body responds to the current treatments. I may have missed reading somewhere in your blog but, are you eating lots of alkaline foods? Cancer has a hard time growing in an alkaline body. Maybe someone can make you a spinach and kale donut? Hey it might be yummy 🙂
Sleep well…lynda
What a stunning picture. I love that she is smiling. I am sorry to hear of the suicide. I know they really don’t think of the pain they leave behind for those of us that have to deal with their decision.
Best of luck with your results tomorrow.
What an awesome share with the book and Boo. Amazing how much children really do understand.
Hugs and giggles.
Debbie B
I pray this current regimen is doing what it needs to for you!
That picture of your great grandmother is just beautiful – I love how relaxed and happy she looks. The similarities between her and Sylvia Plath are remarkable and it’s great that you can get a glimpse into her life through Sylvia.
“Hurl yourself at goals above your head and bear the lacerations that come when you slip and make a fool of yourself. Try always as long as you have breath in your body to take the hard way, the Spartan way – and work, work, work to build yourself into a rich continually evolving entity.”
^ I especially love that quote. It’s exactly what I’m doing right now. Thank you again for a wonderful post.
thank you so much Ashley for sharing. I could hardly wait to read about your appt and I too have only postive thoughts for you….you are doing great!!
thanks to you….everyday I choose JOY and spread the word…
have a JOYFUL day ((HUGS))
Ash,
i think about you everyday. your bravery and strength are truly amazing. i try everyday to choose joy. i pray that this round works and you get good blood results. i pray god can place his healing hands over you and clear this cancer once and for all. you are an inspiration to many. i found your blog by a tutorial you did. i dont rvrn remrmber which one but im sure i still havent gotten around to trying it. lol. i love everything about your blog. the tutorials, the pictures, the crafty ideas, the good stuff, the bad, the super funny, but most of all i just love hearing about how brave you are and the all around amazingness that is you. hugs and prayers for you, sienna, and mr lbb. xoxo
I’m glad there are books out there for kids covering every topic imaginable. Looks like Sienna had a great birthday day. 😉 That picture of your great-grandmother = Wow! You could never tell by that picture how much she suffered. Continuing in prayers for you, the Mr. and Boo.
The photo/story of Mabel is incredible! To have held that pose/smile for the 4 mins or so that it took to expose the film… amazing. I’ve never seen a pose or smile from that era. It’s remarkable. Sylvia Plath’s words are inspiring – the excerpt that you culled from her page. I have it on my sticky now! I read “The Bell Jar” years ago, but I am sure her unabridged diaries but would be totally worthwhile. (I also want to get my hands on Frida Kahlo’s unabridged diaries) Wouldn’t it be fun if we could draw our own hairlines in daily? You crack me up! Keep on jokin’! Your smile is infectious. xoxox, V
Love this post! Inspiration runs throughout your bloodline! Stay strong and thank you for sharing!
((hugs))
Beautiful picture! Thank you for the inspiration as always. Continuing to keep you in our prayers.
Such a cool story! Although very sad, it’s really cool you know that much ab your great grandmother. And what a beautiful lady!!
Whew! So sad…despair and hopelessness are certainly thieves of time and unfortunately, lives! So sad to read this. At least you know where your desire to journal comes from, like there was any doubt.
I pray for you daily, but will be praying double duty tomorrow…my prayer is always that your organs are protected and that this chemo does what it is meant to do and nothing else…expecting a good report!
Love ya girlie,
Beth
Wow, you sure do journal. It will be great stuff for your daughter to read!
I love reading your blog. I know I say that in almost every comment but you truly are amazing. I realize the “little” things I get stressed over I shouldn’t and I try not to because of you. That is awesome you know so much about your great grandmother also. Such a treasure. I wish I had a journal to look back at. 🙂
Sending Love and Prayers really loved this blog this morning, I know you will bless all you come in contact with today 🙂 Hope it isn’t to long of a day and that you will not feel to bad after chemo. You are my hero!
What an awesome picture of your great grandmother. And I am so grateful that although medical science doesn’t have all the answers, we know so much better how to help people now so they don’t have to suffer the way she did. I am praying your treatment will continue to work and you have an “easy” day of treatment ahead. Blessings to you sweet Ashley!
I’m firing good thoughts and tumor shrinking rays across the country at you. Good luck today.
What a gorgeous picture of your great grandmother! Fun to see the style from That time.
Good luck at chemo today!!! You ARE amazing and your doctor sounds great too. Interesting that he deliberates while you’re in the room which route to take and about the chemos you’ve already done. You have a great support system girl!!!
I think its great to have a history, I read a lot about this in that book HeLa…she just wanted to know her mother. I want to be sure my children know me too. Thanks for sharing such a great sensitive story.
Love this entry! I’ve never seen a photo taken at the turn of the century (the last one at least) of someone who is smiling. I love it. Thank you for sharing!
Ashley, my grandmother and Aunt had major depression. My aunt did ty to kill herself and had a gun powder stain on her face. I have memories of visiting her in the old state hospital. She did have electric shock at 16 and my family said she was never the same.
I have a journal that I bought in a box of stuff from a young girl in a mental institute.. I can’t throw it away because sometimes I wonder where she is and how she is doing and what this journal would mean to her mother.. Weird I know. It is so weird to see how the mentally ill were “warehoused” back in what they called the “insane asylums” and for myself it is kind of scary since I have been treated for depression. You can bet I try and stay right on top of that. Thanks for sharing..
Thank you for sharing your story – the way you share your stories are so vivid and wonderful. Praying for you today that all results and procedures go well. Thank you for being an inspirition of positive energy and attitude!
Dear Ashley,
I’ve been reading your blog for a while and just wanted to share the Dutch meaning of your Grandmothers name. Í am pretty sure se has Dutch roots. “Heilig” means holy, sacred en divine. I am convidend some of that name still rubs of on her grand children!
Lots of Love from Holland!
A friend of mine sent me a link to this post. She said Boo – and you – remind her of me.
We lost my mother to cancer 24 years ago and it brings me so much … comfort? Understanding? I’m not sure wha the right word is, but reading your experience is helping me to understand what my Mom may have gone through. I appreciate this unique insight and I send you peace and strength to kick cancer in the face and enjoy long, lovely years with Boo and Mr. LBB.
You have made my day richer too. Thank you for sharing the story of your great grandmother, and for the SP quote. Good luck to you in this next round of chemo, and Happy Birthday Boo!
What a great blog entry, Ashley. You give me a new sense of comfort in many ways, for which I have come to admire you for. I wish you a great treatment day and that is a successful one! In my thoughts and prayers.
SAM
all of us are small shots, and those big shots too. they are small shots who keep shooting! you are a BIG SHOT!
love you …
Wow….. I loved this read! You have already made my life richer! I hope todays chemo goes well today!
Everyone always thinks about the physical journey of dealing with cancer, but its a blessing that you are able to write about the spiritual journey of it. By standing in your own light, you truly encourage others to stand in their own light and to choose joy!
What a lovely post. I absolutely love that photo of Mabel. The first thing that struck me was her beautiful smile. That is so rare for photos of that era.
Praying for you today and that you hear good news about your levels.
I see now where you get your lovely disposition. You inherited it! Your great grandmother chose joy while facing adversity. I am so thankful for your willingness to share your experience with us. Your honesty and transparency is like a breath of fresh air. Please know that I am on the east coast lifting you up in prayer and through your teaching, I too am choosing joy.
Seriously? As I sit and cry over a bagel at Panera while I read your amazing words and words you are passing on from others I can only say this: THANK YOU!! Thank you for Choosing Joy and inspiring me!!
I love the photo of your great-grandmother, I see similarities in your smiles. I too have debilitating headaches (chronic migraines). I understand that pain and feeling a desperate need to escape.
Thank you for sharing such intimate details and so much positivity. I really love the quote from Silvia Plath. Wishing you an easy day tomorrow (as much as possible).
Choose Joy!
Very touching and inspiring for reaching higher Joy and present happiness. That picture of your greatmother has something very “modern” in it, very “unconventionnal” with her nit sitting in that impressive chair, frank wide smile, very deep.
I type my reply before I read the others as I don’t want to accidentally copy. I like your doctor, also wonder how your family is doing as I know I’m sad just reading- but at the same time smile often at your stories and just shake my head at your incredible attitude – that’s a good shake too. I’m so happy your blood results were stable and did not rise. I’m always hoping and praying they have gone down and will continue to do so. Ashley, you do make me choose joy and I have told so many people of your website so they can also choose joy. A friend looked at it the other day and said Ashley is so beautiful even without hair. She hasn’t even read your blog yet cause she’s going to know just how incredibly beautiful you are inside and out!
I already said this on facebook, but…You aren’t a cancer patient sweet Ashley, you are a PERSON with cancer. ;). (Sorry, after 27 years of living with a chronic and ultimately fatal disease with no cure, rhetoric is really important to me!) no matter how your health declines, you are always, always a person first and foremost, and not a patient. 🙂
Ashley,
I just found you the other day when I posted your felted play noodles and you have captivated me. You are one of most amazing people I have ever met on the internet or in real life. I am writing to tell you that you made me go to the dentist today because a tooth has been bothering me and I would have let it go a while longer because I have an extreme fear of dentists. I kept my mind on you today and told my dentist about your incredible spirit. You are on my pray list and I think about you and your lovely family daily. Happy Birthday to your darling daughter and know that God is with you and yours.
Hi Ashley:
When I was going through chemo last summer, my platelets tanked badly. A naturopath friend told me to try papaya leaf extract, which is known to raise platelet levels in people with dengue fever. I did. Tastes like crap! So I drank lots of papaya nectar – put my miralax in it. Weeks when I was particularly vigilant, counts climbed! Try it! You want those bugger up so you will not have any delays!
Praying for you,
Kate
Thank you …
Thanks for the share. I know it sounds incredibly odd but maybe it will give you a chuckle….I have a turquoise and green vintage lamp that is tall and slender that I named Sylvia. It’s beautiful and awkward at the same time. Maybe one day I’ll sit down and analyze why I named it in the store before it was even mine but I sure love it. It serves as a visual reminder of many of her passages like the one you posted.
May you find a curiosity to chase during your marathon chemo treatment. Know you have thousands of unknown voices and hearts in your corner.
There’s a power release when you journal. Not an ego-power trip but more of an “empowering” that happens when you get your heart to take a pen in hand and tell of its experiences. The power to be joyful. The power to give yourself permissions that you never thought possible. The power to enjoy even the smallest of details. I love your journaling and I know Boo will definitely appreciate it one day. Thank you, Ashley. (and thank you, too, Lisa – there’s the added pleasure of hearing your words that I truly admire)
Thank you for choosing joy! Thank you for sharing your story. God is using you in a pretty amazing way. I am praying for you and your sweet family.
Thank you so much for sharing so openly with us. Praying you will have a good day tomorrow.
I pray for a great day tomorrow…
Thanks for sharing your story, Now I know where you get all your strength and determination. Glad Boo had a great birthday. The crown was fabulous! XO
amazing post – so much to think about. journals are wonderful – thanks for the encouragement to end my 8 year ‘break’ : /
Laughed. Cried. Thought. Thought some more. You are living out God’s purpose for your life beautiful girl and I, for one, am richer and better for the experience and I thank you. Yours, In Him – Andrea
thank you for taking the time to share your story. gives me enough to fill entire journals about my feelings! hope your treatment days passes quickly.
What a great picture – I love old pics.
I got my “Choose Joy” Bracelets today – thank you. I was diagnosed with Lupus three years ago. Reading your blog has really help me to remember to stay positive even when I am having a horrible day.
Hope your blood work shows good results tomorrow.
Clair
Ashley, every time I read your blog, I am astounded by your talent and your strength and your ability to ground me and uplift me at the same time. My life is richer indeed every time I stop by for a virtual visit. I’m pulling for you to overcome cancer, though I’m not sure why — you are so dang strong that you can probably do it single-handedly! 😉 Thanks for sharing your life so candidly with all of us out here in blogland.
you are crazy-inspiring Ashley! this post makes me want to get back into journaling. if not for me but for my daughter, to tell of all the joy she brings me. i love the picture of your great grandmother. usually when you see these pictures from this time period the people are never smiling. i love that your ggm is not only smiling, but siting on the arm rest of the chair!!!! … as always… thanks for sharing:)
Xoxoxoxoxo
Wow! I thought my grandmother was the only one. I rarely share this with anyone but feel it really relates to what you posted. My grandmother was ill most of my mother’s life. She was sick all of the time and my grandfather and many doctors were convinced she was faking because they could not see her pain. They even committed her to a mental hospital with all of the terrible treatments you mentioned when they weren’t able to figure out what was wrong with her in the 1950’s. I’m now convinced that she had at least some of what I have. My mother has described some of my grandma’s ailments and they absolutely mimic mine. Since it has taken most of my life but especially the past 10 years of rigorous testing for anyone to figure out what’s wrong with me, I can only imagine how baffling her health would have been in the 50’s. I also don’t think her symptoms physically surfaced like mine have making it that much more difficult to diagnose. My mother says my grandma was a very funny lovable lady. My grandma chose to end her life in 1967. She just couldn’t take it any more. RIP Esther Guise Raab, a beautiful woman born before her time that held investment meetings with other housewives and had a wonderful, playful and dry sense of humor. While I never got to meet her my mother has always said I was like her. At first I don’t think that was exactly meant as a compliment because unfortunately through my early childhood I was always sick and my mother’s tapes of her childhood made her think I was a hypochondriac. She was a loving mother and we were close but every time I got sick she got weird. Now, thanks to my awesome doctor, rheumatologist and neurologist who believed I had something terribly wrong (along with the eventual surfacing of my joints swelling up with 60,000+ white blood cell counts, countless times of me going from fine to not being able to move having to crawl to the car and being hooked up to morphine at the hospital that didn’t help with the pain, numerous super high white cell counts in spinal taps, my spine being “lit up like a Christmas tree” in MRI’s and too many other symptoms to list) they have determined that I have severe autoimmune disease including MS and rare inflammatory arthritis along with gland issues and hypothyroidism. I’m currently being tested for lymph node cancer. My mother now understands (and now has health issues herself) and we are closer than ever-best friends that are there for each other. I have already had to get many of the treatments you receive for cancer (chemo was also recommended for me even before they suspected the lymph node issues) and I absolutely relate to everything you are going through. I have visited your site often for the past few years because I love your spirit and recently I visit just about every day because you share many of the feelings and experiences that you do. My seven year old Julia’s birthday is also on 2/7 (FYI… that’s also Laura Ingalls Wilder’s birthday-I remember you mentioning that you also had the entire Little House series 🙂 ) She’s my last child and a vibrant active beautiful girl with a heart of gold. She’s so accepting of what I go through and she thinks it’s all normal because that’s all she’s ever known. She looks very similar to Sienna except she has dark brown curly hair that’s gotten so long it now goes past her rear end. She, my husband and my other wonderful children keep me going and keep me strong. I am doing much better now due to the countless treatments and regimens I’ve had to endure. Some days are worse than others but I stay strong and persevere. I, like you, don’t allow my disease to get in my way and I do the things I want to do whenever I can. Many of the things I do are for other people because that’s what makes me feel good. Thanks for helping to make every day a good day no matter what. Your positive attitude rubs off on others more than you think. Take care and God bless. I’m sorry for the extreeeemmmmeeeellly long comment…this post just really hit home with me.
“For God so loved the world that He gave His only begotten Son, that whoever believes in Him should not perish but have everlasting life.”
-John 3:16
my son’s Theo 5th birthday was also on the 7th 🙂 now I will always know how old Boo is when I visit your blog, as I have a birthday twin here in Germany 🙂 hugs to you!
I was touched by the quote of Sylvia Plath, had to post on my FB. Thanks for sharing. I wrote about the first few years of my children’s lives and have been thinking of trying to write about my life as a child and young adult up until I had my lovely kids. I am such a bad speller that I wonder if they would laugh.
Woow que historia de la mama de la abuela, y la de Sylvia, es impactante, y muy interesante, pero nada para seguir como ejemplo.
Muy bella Mabel.
Feliz cumpleaños Sienna, y Mr. LLB.
Hi Ashley,
Did you know that your grandmother’s name ‘Heilig’ means “Holy” in Dutch? It made me smile!
XOXOX, Ellemijn