A few things I learned recently:
1. I practice “unattachment parenting.”
Boo had been home sick and was finally ready to go back to school yesterday. I had planned to drive to L.A. for the day to pick up a fabric order and run a few errands. Mr. LBB was around in case she got too tired on her first day back and needed to pick her up.
I was about 45 minutes into my drive when I got a phone call:
Mr. LBB: Where are you?
Me: I’m about 45 minutes out, why?
Mr. LBB: I have to drive to Arizona.
Me: When?
Mr. LBB: Now. It’s an emergency and I need to drive some supplies to the guys asap.
Me: Now?! So do I need to turn around?
Mr. LBB: No, I’ll figure it out. Do you think Lisa can watch Boo?
Me: No, she’s out sick.
Mr. LBB: Great.
Me: Just keep calling everyone we know until someone says yes…..
No one on our emergency list was in town or available. Can a 5-year-old be a latch key kid? Brett ended up driving his assistant Bonnie to the school to introduce her to the teachers and show her where to pick Boo up and then confirmed that his dad would pick her up from Bonnie when he was able to leave the hospital. It kind of reminded me of last summer when I had to go in for my first D&C and Mr. LBB was in Washington for 4 weeks: I had Lisa drive me to the hospital, Gicela took Boo, my sister-in-law Carolyn picked me up after surgery was over, then Gicela dropped Boo back off, Carolyn put her to bed, and stayed until I fell asleep. For as OCD as I am, my life sure does have the chaos factor sometimes.
The funny part is that Boo loves chaos. If someone new gets to pick her up from school it’s “the best thing that’s ever happened to her.”
Is consistency important to kids? Maybe, but mine seems to thrive off of inconsistency…..
2. I have no idea what the price of gas is….or anything about gas for that matter.
On my way out of town yesterday I stopped at a gas station to fill up. My credit card didn’t work on the pump so I had to go inside to pay.
Cashier: How much do you want on your card?
Me: Oh gosh….um…..how much is gas?
Cashier: Depends on what grade.
Me: I get the first grade…..the lowest….what’s that called?
Cashier: Regular?
Me: Yes! Regular! How much is that?
Cashier: $3.99 a gallon
Me: WHAT?! That’s insane!
Cashier: So how much do you want?
Me: Um…..errr…..oh gosh……
(note: I get really flustered when I have to do math on the spot.)
Me: How many gallons do you think my tank holds?
Cashier: I have no idea.
Me: Well how much does a regular tank hold?
Cashier: 20 gallons?
Me: I have a Prius. I don’t think it holds that much.
Cashier: (clearly annoyed at this point) How about 10….
Me: 10 sounds reasonable. But I think I have a little left in the tank….
Cashier: (clearly super annoyed) How about 8……
Me: Yes, 8 gallons…so that would be……uhh……
(thinking about what 8 x $3.99 is)
(obviously if I round up to $4.00 the math is easier)
(problem: under pressure I can’t think to round)
Me: Just charge $42.00 to the card.
Cashier: That doesn’t make sense.
(panic attack sets in)
Me: Sorry….$35?
5 minutes later…..
Me (to myself): FREAKING FUDGE! (a nicer version of what I actually said) I have to go back in there??
Me: Um….I need a refund. $35 was too much. Sorry. I’m an idiot.
2 minutes later…..
Me: After all that I forgot to have you ring up my coffee and donut.
1 minute later…..
Me: Can I use your restroom? Can you hold my donut and coffee? I have an issue with taking food into public bathrooms.
I can never show my face at that gas station again.
And, before you label me as “clueless”……I CAN tell you the price of almost every brand of cereal at every grocery story I shop at. I am very in touch with the cereal market…..the gas market, not so much.
3. If you give me a bigger car, I’ll just buy more fabric.
Yep….here’s the Prius filled to the brim yesterday. It’s a good thing I have a reverse cam on the car. Although, I didn’t know it for a while…..I guess I’m just clueless about cars in general:
Me: I love my new car, but I wish it had a backup camera.
Mr. LBB: It does have a backup camera…..look at your dashboard when you reverse.
Is there anyone else out there that can never figure out how to turn on the lights or the reverse windshield wiper on the first try? Yep, me too.
4.Vampires are real.
I was in the doctor’s office today getting a B-12 shot. No idea what it’s for except that the nurse said the doctor wants me to get them for 4 weeks. I remember Madonna getting B-12 shots on tour. Sweet! The nurse said it will help with energy. If it helps with energy then shouldn’t I just get them all the time for the rest of my life? I mean, who can’t stand to have a little more energy?
Waiting for the nurse I had to do a double take at this huge banner. My first thought was: weird…..they are promoting a vampire movie…..in a doctor’s office. Then I realized it was promoting platelet-rich plasma….whatever that is.
Then I looked over and saw this on the table:
WTF!!! Am I in the right place???
I asked the nurse what was up with the “6 foot tall vampire chick banner” in the waiting room. Her answer? I don’t know what you are referring to.
Then I said: Don’t worry, your secret is safe with me. Are you friends with the Cullens?
Just kidding, I didn’t say that…..but I wanted to……
I hate to get gas. with a passion. I hate even more when I get stuck getting gas and there are people there at the PUMPS SMOKING!!! I want to scream at them… HELLO YOU ARE GOING TO BLOW US UP and well I love myself and don’t want to blow up!!!! I sometimes go to different gas stations until I find one where no one is smoking but for some reason where I am from no one thinks it is dangerous! * sorry end of rant about gas stations and smoking
I want your prius. I LOVE it!
Ummm..yeah, I pulled up at a gas station last month and the guy in front of me was filling up his pick up WITH THE ENGINE RUNNING. I may or may not have freaked out and pulled out of there with my tires squealing while ranting about idiots who are trying to blow up my children.
My dad would pump gas with the engine running all the time until an attendant at a station one day yelled at him to turn his engine off.
Dying. I’m so with you, except for the Vampire Doctors. I can also NEVER locate my hazard lights, which usually need to be located in a somewhat timely manner. My husband and I have this routine where he likes to explain things car-related in a very patient and granular manner and I act annoyed like he’s being condescending, when we both realize the whole time that his explanation is really quite necessary.
I read faster and faster when you post like this. 🙂 B-12 for energy? Are you sure you needed that? LOL
Having to do math on the spot sends me into orbit. I’d NEVER make it as a cashier!
Oh, that was the best random post I’ve read in a while.
Kids are okay no matter what if you teach them to live with change! I have no doubt in my mind that there is no perfect way to raise kids. My 3 are all vastly different from each other, although I raised them vaguely all the same. Change and difficulty and annoyance all build character, and I never hear the words “I’m bored” because my kids know how to play by themselves, play with others, and if they told me they expected me to provide their entertainment at their whim, they probably know I’d laugh and tell them to go read a book.
I get such a sense of relief reading that you aren’t an attachment mom. I can’t explain it. You rock!
Can’t do math on the spot either. I never want to be the scorekeeper during games or count back change to someone. Tooo skeeeery.
LOL! Me too!!
The gas station story is hilarious! I have gone to a different gas station before if the card reader didn’t work at the pump just so I didn’t have to go in and guess at how much gas I needed. Its like been at a carnival and having someone guess your weight, its never right and someone gets offended.
Your randomness makes me happy and brings me such joy. I needed a nice distraction today.
Your life should be a tv show, it would be waaaay more entertaining than anything else on the box! Xx
I’m sitting here with a sore throat – cough and a really bad stuffed up head but you made me laugh – thank you!
No math, no way. I will refuse to play a board game if they make me keep score and in dominoes, if I have to count more than three blocks, I just take 200 points. As for backup cameras, I thought the one in my husband’s car was some bizarre, free-form screen saver for the longest time. Now that my kids know what it is, they love to stand behind the car and make faces into it…yup, we love our technology!
Doing math on the spot gives me a mini panic attack! And I’m also clueless about the gas market! My husband is so acutely aware of the slightest change in gas prices, and everyone is always outraged about it, but I honestly pay no attention whatsoever. Now with grocery shopping, I’M acutely aware of price changes and my husband isn’t.
I had a good laugh ! 😀 and by the way how do you reverse windshield wipers? and why it needs to be done?))))))))))))
Ok. I need your daily dose of funny! I think stand up was your true calling!
By the way, chemo can ruin your intestines. In my case, 2 years after chemo and zero energy and 10 weeks of oral B-12 supplements later it was discovered that chemo caused me to develop antiparietal antibody (causing my body to not be able to absorb oral forms of B12). Google it. Basically that means monthly B12 shots the rest of my life. Thank you chemo.
I’ll be back again tomorrow for my next dose of giggles!
All I can say is…TO FUNNY! Got funny stares as I laughed out loud while reading on the train (EL to those that live in Chiago).
For some reason people always ask me how many gallons of gas my car holds. Random people, too! I have no clue. They always walk away annoyed and thinking I’m crazy:)……………I also up until this week could never remember which side my gas tank is on. I always have to ask my hubby or my 7 year old. They know:) my daughter, not so much. Thank goodness for pinterest! There is a little arrow on your gas gauge that points to which side your tank is on. Really? Am I that clueless? I guess so:)………………….surely, you’re not the first patient to ask about the vampire poster. It’s a little weird.
I so need to check out and see if there is an arrow on my gauge. That would be so cool if there were.
lol! I can so relate!
And whats up with the vampire face lift before/after. It didn’t look like a good after picture whatever they did to her. :/
I only recently found your blog, yes I know it’s really sad and pathetic but I’m here now and I love it. You are amazing and just make me laugh so much. I LOVE LOVE LOVE your outlook on life.
I can’t even draw a stick figure so your craftiness makes my head spin….I’m in awe.
Cheers to the wonderful you.
Ha ha the gas story had me giggling. I’m ashamed to admit that until I moved 6 months ago I had never even pumped my own gas. Ummm yes my husband always makes sure my tank is full and I’ve only been driving for 16 years 🙂
I don’t do the gas either, that is what my husband is for!
Thanks for making me LOL
Ha ha! You crack me up! Once in college, While I was nannying, I called my husband(boyfriend at the time) to ask “what year of gas” I should put in the family’s car! I was raised by a single mom and octane was not something that we typically talked about! And I also just had to help my mom with a power point presentation on the Vampire Facial, which I learned a lot about! 😉
I.Totally.Get.You. Math under pressure = me breaking out in a cold sweat.
You are awesome.
Maybe Boo will be in to watching gas prices and she can keep you informed. My kid started noticing them when she was about 12 and ever since kept me posted on where the best deals are at. The other day when I went to fill up she scolded me for not paying in cash (5 cent/gallon discount). Kids are very hand. Oh, and make sure she practices those multiplication tables so she can help you with the math part. 😉
(I can’t do math without fingers to count)
I don’t know what my gas tank holds either. Twelve gallons maybe? I never bother to pay attention to how much gas is. Does it really matter? I mean if you’re driving somewhere you have to put gas in your car regardless of the price right? I always put $30 in whenever I’m at the pump. It has to be an even $30. If I go over by one cent I get really flustered.
On the spot math gets me flustered too. I run a cash register every day at work and I’m pretty good at simple math. But every once in awhile you get some douche who wants to tell you how to count the change back, or make things confusing by switching bills and change around when I’m already doing the math for the original amount he gave me. It makes me panicky.
Sometimes people do that cash switching to swindle you. Just tell them, Sorry I already punched in your (whatever amount they gave you) and I can’t change it now. If you need change we’ll do it after this transaction. That way you won’t have anxiety. The “general” public can really suck! 🙂
bahahaha.. funniest post yet. can we be best friends??
we are so much alike. i read your posts all the time to my husband and say… see, I’m not the only one! thanks for not making me feel alone. 🙂
I can never find how to pop the gas door when I drive a new car. I have had attendants help me before. Embarrassing! Love this post! What the heck is up with the vampires? I was cracking up when you mentioned the Cullens, you should’ve said it 🙂 Ahaha. By the way, I work with children and have had to take some home on occasions when their parents were caught up at work or in traffic. They always loved it and thought it was so exciting.
OMGosh Ashley! I laughed so hard that I was crying. You made a my day and then some!! Thank you 🙂
I have the exact same problem at the gas station if I MUST go inside and tell them how much gas I want. They should come up with a better plan! They should take into consideration that some of us gals are afflicted by OCD and function best in situations that we control or at least familiar in. I vote that they keep those gas pumps working!!!!! I try to get my husband to keep gas in my car…it’s just much easier that way! 😀
Great post…. Being originally from Oregon, I sat in my car for over 5 minutes before I realized I had to pump my own gas. I miss the gas attendant!
Love the whole LLB parenting…. and Boo loving the little vaca in her day.
(fyi-you can put me at the end of your list of emergency #s…. lol…… seriously 14 years as a pediatric triage nurse….wait don’t want to give you the white coat scare!)
Harvest Health has someone come in every Wednesday to give B-12 shots (during the lunch few hours).
Lastly… I went to Michael’s today! Full anxiety attack later from all that STUFF! I got my resin, catalyst, and molds to make paper weights with our vacations beach finds. Thanks for the inspiration! wish me luck!
Hi Jane…can you post how to make paper weights out of the beach finds. I have tubs of shells and rocks from years past and I just don’t know what to do with them….Thanks!
I am going to attempt to make them. Go to LLB tutorial on resin paperweight-March 9, 2012-that is my plan! After I get them made I will post another note for you!
She makes it all look so clean and easy. Good luck!
You are too funny!! As far as B12 shots are concerned, that is when your red blood count (platelets) is too low. Mine went so low in a matter of a year that I’m on shots every 3 weeks for the rest of my life. No matter, easy fix. And yes it gives you a lot of energy, especially the day I do it.
Red blood cells and platelets are not the same thing. And B-12 is a vitamin.
I guess filling up is a whole different experience here in the UK! Filling your own car is the norm (just read the comment by the lady from Oregan), but we also pay AFTER filling up, so you know exactly how much!
That said I seldom fill our car up (got out of the habit when I was first pregnant, and my husband always made sure he did it and then I just hated either leaving kids in the car while I went in to pay, or unpacking all of them to take them with me). When I do I pull in to the petrol station I have to sing “Pass the Duchy on the Left Hand Side” to remember “Diesel” and to fill up on the left. My husband laughs.
Vitamin B12 can’t be manufactured by the body and must be obtained by eating certain foods. Vegans usually need supplements of B12 as it is only(?) available from animal foods. It’s probably an issue for you if your gut is damaged and unable to absorb the B12 from your food. Before they sorted out the active ingredient you had to eat lots of raw liver every day… Another thing to be grateful for.
I ALWAYS get nervous when I have to figure out how much gas to put in the tank when I can’t just pump the regular way. Your experience made me laugh out loud holy cow! So funny. AND JEALOUS of all that fabric!!!!!!!!!!! I don’t know if I’ll everrrr make it back to LA, but if I do, hitting up that fabric district is a MUST!
I am the same way about food and drinks in the bathroom. It totally grosses me out. If I HAVE to take something in, it has to be zipped in my pocketbook and then I usually never eat it. Let’s not even talk about shoes in bathrooms! Ugh! I would freak if the bottom of my shoe touched me after being in the bathroom. Hope you have a great day and I am sooo happy you are doing better. I am still praying for you.
Hugs
I had to google “vampire facelift” after this. I mean really, WTF? Turns out Dr. Paul Nassif, you know from RHOBH is certified to perform them!
That was brilliant and so funny! I love the Vampire Face Lift! WHAT????
I’m LOL with the vampire facelift!… And I’m with you Ashley, I don’t ever take food into the restroom -not even drinks.
LOL Ashley, you always make my day! Your a hoot! 🙂
Have a joyful day.
Patty 🙂 xo
Your first point has nothing to do with (un)attachment parenting, esp. regarding a school age child. Now, if you were looking for someone to pick up an infant from daycare….All this means is that you have a lot of people who love you and are willing to help but are unable to help out the one time you need it. That’s totally different. I practice attachment parenting, and I never have anyone that can pick up my kids either–not because I don’t want them to, or they don’t want to, but they just can’t. However, you have written about several other aspects of your parenting that are unattachment 🙂 (Have you read what the 7 B’s are?!)
Boo is like my daughter. Thrives on chaos. Haha. I panicked when in an emergency I had to have my younger sister care for her one day. My daughter proclaimed that it was her best day ever.
I laughed so hard at your story about the gas station. At least you know how to pump gas though. I have always gone to a full service station or been with my husband and only just learned to pump my own gas last week. I was in santa Monica with my niece and realized I was nearly on empty. I called my husband panicking “there is no gas in the car and I don’t think this station pumps gas for you” he laughed and said “so pump your own gas” I admitted that I don’t know how. He was shocked. I was shocked that we’ve been married for five years and he just found this out. He had to walk me through it over the phone. Haha
I, can pump gas!..the extent..of car..”upkeep”..I, was a ” Travel RN.”..yrs ago…this Stoty..Real..I, at the time!..Was driving from Dallas..to, Western Washington…Home..I, had worked weeks, ” Baylor..Pediatric..Head Trama..Birth ..to age Three..”..I, had purchased..a Large Van..to carry, all my ” Home Needs!”..All..Good!!..on the way Home, “Boondocks, Wyoming”.Oil.. Light,..Flashing!!..Urgent!!.Red Lights, Van Motor,..wheezing,( Asthma?)…First thought!..” Naw!”…this, ” bright Blond!!” limped!..into..”Truckerville”..bought..Oil!!..( felt, so smug)..I, am woman..watch me Roar!”..whoops?..where do you put Oil??! I am a great, ICU, RN..!!..So, gave my new Van!..” a Sprinkle..allover..Motor..Oil!!..”wrong!”..Thank,God, at a “truck Stop!”..watched..in Horror!..as I, burned Engine.,,smoke, small flames!!..First, ” truckers,..put out,Flames, Smoke…then they ..rolled..Laughter.retort, postvThank you!..” This, better, never..”be a Dumb Blond Joke”..” girls, never sprinkle oil..there..is!!..a OIL TANK!
Excuse..spelling errors!!..Think!..still..in Trama!..Like, Boo, thinking..all the ” Bad Stuff”..wow, I could have Burned up!!, Noone, could identify Me!..” woman..burned..bye Whom!..Today..I,might be on “Nancy Grace”..,!, my, poor Family!..I, do think!..the “truckers…you..will never believe..this Dumb Blond!!..
OMG, I had to stop reading 3 or 4 times at work because I was crying I was laughing so hard!! I love reading your blog! You make me laugh so hard and I love your honesty about every situation.
Haha, oh my word! I hate getting gas…I hate having to decide if it’s pay inside or at the pump. The other day I was told (in front of a huge line of people) “I almost didn’t let you pump because you’re pulled forward too far. That’s a definite sign of a drive-off.” Obviously I didn’t drive off if I’m standing here paying! Math on the spot/under pressure sucks too. At least you got some fabric out of it (: