My kid is definitely not missing a sensitivity chip. In fact, I think she got a few extra of them….so if anyone needs an extra let me know. The first sign: she cries at the end of every. single. movie……even Hancock. The more emotional the music, the more emotional she gets. Don’t even get me started on how she reacts at the end of Armageddon…..the whole 10 minutes at the end where everyone is reuniting and Harry dies? Wow. She even cries at those touching ESPN stories.
I get it. I cry at them too. Legends of the Fall. Secretariat. Joy Luck Club. Lifetime Movies. Pixar’s UP. Undercover Bosses when the CEOs surprise the workers at the end. And it used to be every Oprah episode.
Yesterday she saw her friend Elle (Lisa’s daughter) at school for the first time in a few days. She ran up to Elle and hugged her tight. She didn’t let go for a long time. It got kind of awkward so Lisa said she peeked around to see if Boo was joking……but Boo was bawling. Boo, struggling through sobs, said: I missed you Elle……and I’m so sorry your fish died.
I’d forgotten that I told her that Elle’s fish Frida died. I just said it in passing…..not thinking it was something she’d remember. It wasn’t our fish. Poor fish….but it was actually Elle’s second fish Frida….Lisa quickly replaced the first one when it died. It wasn’t even the original Frida.
Recently, instead of reading a book at bedtime, Boo and I lay in her bed and she asks questions about when I was growing up. She likes to start at Kindergarten and work her way up grade by grade asking me to tell her something I remember. The problem is…..it usually ends with Boo getting upset:
And then we moved to a new house…..
Can I see your old house?
Well, someone else lives there now.
(crying) But I really, REALLY wanted to see that house…..
And then Grandma cut my hair into a mullet….
(I cried here…..not Boo)
And then Daddy and I got married…..
(crying) But I wanted to marry Daddy…..who will I marry now?!
And Diesel’s getting old so I’ve started to tell her that Diesel won’t be around forever. That opened a can of worms:
When Diesel dies, and we get a new puppy, can we get a white one?
We aren’t getting a new puppy. So we better just pray that Diesel lives for a long, long time.
Do dogs go to heaven?
Doggie heaven is awesome…..and the food is better.
(crying) I don’t want my brother to die…..
(yes, Diesel is her brother for right now. It’s the only answer I have when she asks for another sibling. I’ll just have to deal with the emotional damage from this later.)
The worst is when she thinks that her parents or one of her teachers is disappointed in her. She has this nervous laugh and I can tell she’s trying not to cry. So she’ll turn away and try to recover….but she can’t. And then it’s like a huge avalanche. I guess she’s kind of my little twin……because I do the same thing.
So, I’d love to know:
How do YOU deal with tough topics and your Kiddos?
So my daughter and I do the same thing at night. She was very upset about her Grandma Ghee who died this past winter. She had been sick for a long time – like 8 years – so I tried to explain that it was a good thing. We talked about death and heaven and why she shouldn’t be sad or scared because heaven was a wonderful place and she would get to meet Jesus. We talked for like 20 minutes.
When she finally fell asleep, my husband said, “You can talk about death and heaven, but you can’t tell her that she doesn’t get her disposable camera back?”
And then I remembered, I bought an identical disposable camera because she was distraught at the idea of NEVER getting it back. Like sobbing. Unable to stop. In Costco. So I told her she would get it back.
Terrible mother moment. I better put some money in the therapy jar.
Lost Mom,..1yr ago,..my Daughter.” GiGi went to Heaven,..Lg Family..saddened,..as RN., she “racing downhill “.. my mom, Gone!!..4 yrold Ggdaughter.. ” she is so happy..GGma…is a ” child”..running, She promised! ” pinkie promise”..GGMa..will..watch..all of. us..she promised!!..I, am, happy, she is…soo Happy!!..my GChild!!..had an extra ” Skip”..in Honor..her Ggma!!..” this is Good!”( per 4 Yr old!!
Also..looking..at Stars..summer sky. We lay..on Lawn..with..a Warm..Quilt…waiting.. ” for a Bight Star”…” flaming” though the sky”…( we see often N. W Seattle..) All, Gggrandchildren!…” there you are!!..your promises( pinkie)..true..I, hope, this..Memory..lives..on…!!..
Not my Daughter!!..My mother..left us June 2011, 4 children, 5 G children, 3 G grandchildren..I,miss her!
So sad and funny at the same time. As mother’s we reserve to right to change our mind about things day by day 😉 I’ve replaced things before just so she wouldn’t notice…..I wish someone would replace my things 😉
In regards to Diesel; we have a Lab named Hunny who waited in our back yard daily, by my son’s 4-wheeler (battery operated) for 9 months. During this time we were in Memphis with our son being treated for cancer. I was so afraid when we finally got home that his dog may not remember him. Mainly due to the Chemo/radiation made him smell different, added to being 30lbs lighter and bald. But, as soon as he got home and out of the vehicle she came running to him. He was so happy that she hadn’t forgotten him. Now 6 years later Hunny is 10 years old, blind and deaf. It’s time to let her go to a better place to run with the other happy, healthy doggies in doggy heaven. But, he cries like a baby everytime we bring it up. So, if you figure out away to tell your boo about Diesel; without breaking your heart and hers during the process….Please, please let me know.
I feel for you Ashley and Michelle. Last October we had to put down our black lab Jazmin, she was 13 and we knew she was starting to fail but she took a sudden turn for the worse and we were unprepared for her to go. Of course the worse was explaining to our then 2 1/2yr old son that his best friend wasn’t coming back. It was rough and we spent many days and nights crying with him and reassuring him that now that she’s in heaven she’s no longer sick or in pain but he still hurt. He would feel better when we told him story’s of silly times they had and showed him pictures. We also took her tags and made him a necklace that he wears/snuggles/kisses when he misses her, but his biggest comfort is talking to her. For months, he would ask to go out side before bed and would stare at the stars talking to her. He would tell her all about his day and how everyone was doing and how he loves her and misses her. Over time he’s gotten better with accepting that she’s gone and whenever he has a ‘relapse’ we talk to Jazmin and in mins he’s feeling better and happy again!….good luck! My heart goes out to you and your familys.
PS don’t let them watch all dogs go to heaven! It will confuse them so much because the dogs come back!! Learned that the hard way! And had my son asking “how long till Jazzy comes home?”
oh my, now i am crying. I haven’t had to explain these tough things to my 2 year old, yet. But we have 3 dogs that she loves dearly and 2 of them are getting up there. She will probably be Boo’s age when our oldest dog passes. I can’t imagine how tough it is for you all. Sending good thoughts everyone’s way!
My cat of 18 years died on my daughter’s first day of Kindergarden… it was a HORRIBLE day… started fine with kinder and the new teacher/school et. al., but she then had to go get her first cavity fillings, and then after we came back from the dentist, we had to go say goodbye to my poor cat who they had on IV *just* so we could say goodbye before they put her down… needless to say, I think I had a HARDER time telling Megan that her kitty was dying than saying goodbye to my cat of 18 years! BROKE.MY.HEART. That was in August of 2010, and she would spontaneously burst into sobs for months on end only to say she missed Crystal (the kitty)… and yes, all the stories about what she was eating in heaven and how she was playing with G-Gma and her brother were definitely helpful… we tried to turn those tears into laughter whenever we could and then on her 6th birthday (about 9 months later), we asked if she wanted to use her birthday money for toys or a new kitten… she chose kitten of course… she still talks about Crystal as a family member, but her new kitten is her BFF and it has helped a TON. As an aside, I let her stay with Crystal as long as she wanted in the vet hospital, but I took her home and went alone for the euthanization. Good luck ladies, it is sad, but kids are more resilient than we are and the more calm we are about the situation – the more assurance they will feel.
I think the saddest thing about pets is that we can’t explain things to them 🙁
Oh my gosh, now I’M CRYING my eyes out after reading this. I am also about 100 weeks pregnant and hormonal as all get out, but this story is so touching and sweet.
Also!!.cartoon..” Pound Puppies”..I have been with GDaughter, age 5,..my “take”..horrible!!..Dog catcher..takes dogs..to..Jail!..I, RN., worked Jail..I, think..this ” cartoon” Sick!..Think back,..all, the ” junk ” we watched!..1. Tom and Jerry!..beat, Nails, Hammers, etc..I recall, GBabes, hate!..Wizard ofOz, Threel Little Pigs, Red riding Hood..they have never seem ” Bambi”..I, will stop!!..Thx for reading!..
My Daughter DCed TV ( for summer..Daughter( masters Teaching, her Spouse..Teacher ..forbid!!!..”Dance Moms”..” Toddler’s..winning ” re make up, Tans, etc”…
Pound puppies! That just brought back memories 🙂
What a precious girl… I remember the first time we watched Tangled… when Eugene bites the dust I looked at Kennan and she appeared a bit upset. She looked at me & patted my hand & said bravely “Don’t be sad, Mommy.” While trying to hold back her tears. She did this the first 3 or 4 times she saw it, then she was cool. We talk about death a lot because we don’t seem to be able to keep fish alive. We lost one of our gerbils last week, though, and when I told her we should give it a kiss goodbye in case she didn’t make it to morning, she lost it. It was so sad. I promptly lost it as well, and she recovered waaaaay faster than me. Way. Faster. She recently made a wish on a dandelion that our dog Cowboy would die… I think she wants a different dog… though at other times she’s been very upset at the idea. I approach death with her as a happy thing, since who (or whatever) it is gets to go be with Jesus… such a big concept to convey!
Oh, and Legends of the Fall?! Please! I still can’t even THINK about that movie without locking myself in the bathroom for a good sob. You’d have to be a statue not to! 🙂
You sound like me…”the Notebook”. Movie..Steel Magnolia’s..Terms of Endurment..Box..of tissue!!..
Excuse spelling errors…!!..great Topic,”Ashley” “good Sat. Night…Hiccup, runny nose,..tears..( spouse went to bed..Early!)..” Boo..Hoo.!!..Sniff, Snuff!..Cry Fest!! ” I, proclaim ..this Sat,.third , Sat..this Yr..July 14, 2012, “cryfest day”..in honor…Ashley, We love you Girlfriend!!..We will, let the tears…stream..” tomorrow, a Great day!..”
I say something funny about it and get her laughing – no matter how inappropriate – it breaks the moment and then we can talk about it without the overwhelming emotion. The only time I didn’t do this was when her Grandfather died – they were inseperable. 10 years later, it came up and she said that it made it worse that I didn’t use the same approach so I guess it works for MY daughter. I am sure that this approach is not for everyone.
When our fish died (my husband maintains that I killed it with too warm water, but it was a tropical fish!) and we found him, I told my daughter it was just sleeping. So she made me feed it. Then I told her it was on vacation in Fiji. I know, lying to your child is awful but Im just not ready for the death talk! I try to avoid the hard truths for as long as possible because innocence is so precious and so fleeting. And that is why she still thinks bumble bees are her friends.
How did i deal with tough topics with the kids? Duh: denial and redirection (just as every good parent does).
Okay, kidding.
For us it usually winds up somewhere right smack in between these two verses:
“And we know that in all things, God works for the good of those who love Him, who are called according to His purpose” (Romans 8:28).
“So just as the heavens are higher than the earth, so My ways are higher than your ways and my thoughts higher than your thoughts” (Isaiah 55:9).
Oh you poor thing. I just want to tell you that my Boo is 19, I still struggle telling her hard things. Those pretty hazel eyes fill up with tears and her lip quivers and I can’t do it. I’ve replace many fish, guinea pigs- (do you have any idea how hard it is to find and identical guinea pig), cats, cell phones, you name it, I’ve replaced it.
Anyway, it’s still hard. I hate sad endings, and so does my girl.
When my kids were small we would go to Dairy Queen, get ice cream and discuss the current “difficult topic”. My theory being, everything is better with ice cream…lol. At a recent family function with all my grown up babies somehow DQ came up, one of my darling children quipped “Oh, never let mom take you to DQ for ice cream!” which was followed by the sound of all my grown children laughing hysterically.
…..Oh well, we try.
This made me laugh!!
This made me laugh too.
Hilarious!!! With my mom it was a bag of M&Ms 😛
I tend to be brutally honest. I don’t intentionally add the brutally, but I am the type to rarely tell a lie, not even to save someone’s feelings. I think, in general, children adapt to a parent’s style of truth telling. My kids are not harden to the world, they still become emotional. I am also the parent that uses all of the anatomically correct terms for body parts, too. It is just easier for me.
My kids actually rate a movie’s “good”-ness by how much I cry. Some top-rated crying flicks: My Girl, Up, Life is Beautiful, Schindler’s List, The Boy in the Striped Pajamas, It’s a Wonderful Life, Million Dollar Baby, Stand and Deliver, Dead Poets Society, The Notebook, The Pianist, Saving Private Ryan, WALL-E, and E.T. I have no idea how to make death seem easier or to reassure them. I’m still a little freaked out about the fact that my mom can’t live forever myself…
I”ll add “Old Yeller”, “Where the Red Fern Grows”, “Hachi: A Dog’s Tale” (okay – confession time – I haven’t even seen Hachi yet, but I just know I’m going to ball, so I keep putting it off), Steel Magnolias, “Terms of Endearment”, “Titanic”, “The Notebook”, “Marley & Me”, “A Walk to Remember”, “Forrest Gump”. Gosh, I’m was already crying because of the post about Boo crying, and now I’m crying more just thinking of all these movies I saw that made me cry. I’m a mess………..
“bawl”…….I just hate it when I make typos I can’t correct.
I was/am the same way. If I thought a teacher was “mad” at me, bawl my eyes out. Sad movies,tv,songs…disaster. I think it’s best to comfort her and say that it’s normal to feel sad or upset, but that there are a lot of things to be happy about too. And maybe ask her why she is upset and see how she described it or if she can. I think when she gets older it’ll be easier to teach her what “deserves” a strong reaction vs. what is something she should move past. Finally as an adult I can see when I’m overreacting, but it took awhile.
I don’t have children so I can’t help too much in that category but I remember being traumatized by Land Before Time. I was 4…well I was 1 month shy of 4. My parents took me to the theater thinking it’d be a good family movie to see and it would be my first movie in the big theater. In the beginning when mom and baby get separated by the earthquake…I fell apart. My parents had to leave the theater with me and we didn’t watch it again for years. I remember my mom having to assure me that there were never going to be earthquakes to separate us (my state doesn’t really have earthquakes and when we do we don’t feel them). As I got older it got better but not by much. We went through Bambi, Homeward Bound, Lassie…I still cry at any animal movie. I’m better with humans dying and being separated than with animals…there must be something wrong with me. LOL
Anyway, when my Grandma died I was still young. I was about 12 and we were close (at least that’s my take on the whole thing). What helped me most ended up being my cousin. We both had wanted to say good bye but not by ourselves. He didn’t want to touch her and I knew I was incapable of speaking. So we both went in, he did the talking and I did that hand holding. We both got through it together without tears. I think having a “partner” around helped me most. Anytime something got tough on me I could turn to my cousin or my mom or a friend and know that they could help me even if it was something as simple as saying “Krystina says hi grandma” when I couldn’t talk. It’s about finding your team and figuring out strengths and weaknesses…at least for me it is.
Don’t invite me to a funeral though. My family has figured out that I’m bad at funerals. To keep from crying I start cracking jokes. It’s not the best thing to do at a funeral (although some people appreciate it). I just get awkward and apparently family clown is where I step in during those times.
I do the same thing…..I crack jokes….and then worry that people think I’m insensitive. But I think you are right…..it lightens the mood and people appreciate it 🙂
Isn’t it hard? I want to change the subject when it gets hard, but I don’t. I tell the truth, I say I don’t know if I don’t know, and I stop talking when they stop asking questions. My girls are 10 and 12 and we are all sensitive. We cry at movies, Marley and me was the worst!! So, far we have tackled discrimination, cancer, death, adoption, abandonment, and most recently puberty! I think children are resilient and I don’t want to confuse tenderness for fragility. They can handle it all if it is presented with love, openess, humor, and ice cream for sure!!
I love this blog and I very much enjoy the posts. In an era of negativity, arguments, and judgments, I think this might be one of the most positive places to be.
I have no doubt that however you ladies are handling the hard stuff, it’s the right way for your family!
I like you a lot!
There is a wonderful book by Cynthia Rylant called Dog Heaven. (there’s also one for cats) Simple words and colorful illustrations.
My kiddos really haven’t hit any tough moments like that yet…unless you count Daddy having to work this morning instead of making pancakes. Mama doesn’t make good pancakes…it wasn’t fun.
I plan old suck at dealing with death and sickness. I just don’t know how to deal. I never know what to say or do. Then I feel massive amounts of guilt afterwards. I need to work on that.
She sounds like my daughter. I have no help here. We just cried a lot together. 😉
Those r the exact same movies I cry at! Omg when I was 14 I went on my first date to see Stepmom… Worst first date movie ever… Waaaa ha haaaa
Oh Ashley, Us moms with girls are all in the same boat aren’t we?
My dear daughter, who is 5 is emotional too. I just hold her and tell her it’s gonna be okay very lovingly and understanding, compassion is what makes us moms isn’t it?
Your doing a great job, Ashley….Boo is a very blessed young lady as is Mr. LBB.
We cry a lot here too, I have 2 little girls and when one sees the other cry she cries and before I know it they are hugging each other sobbing. And when they hurt each other do the same thing too. I cry during a lot of movies too, Love Actually is one of them, and Disney Movie.
Do you watch the Disney Channel? They do this thing where they play this pretty music and have little sayings and show pictures of all the shows and it’s really sweet and loving. Yesterday the one ended with “Your Future is Bright.” Well those make me cry EVERY.SINLGE.TIME.
Usually we try to be as straight forward, loving,understanding and open to all questions as we can be. There is usually a lot of hugging, sometimes crying, and lots of kisses. McKenna is the one that will ask things that are hard to answer, you know the thinkers….. those are the ones where I pulled her into my lap and tell her what I can. I always end with “No matter where I am or where your are, I will Love you forever.” Your doing a great job!
I really wish that my kids had any sort of guilty feeling at all. I did as a child and it kept me out of a lot of trouble! I worried about disappointing anyone and never wanted to have my Dad be upset with me. So, no parties, no wild behavior, no nothing! My boys, well they will more than make up for it I think….. and they are only 4 and 2. If you have any tips about how to make them more empathetic, concerned about others, or a guilty gut feeling let me know. I need to get to work on this!
Get a fish, then kill it…okay, maybe I’m the wrong one to ask.
When dealing with tough discussions I tell my six and eight year old the truth as simply as I can in order for them to understand. I made a promise to my kids that I will never lie to them after a disappointment from someone they adore. I have a fear if they catch me lying even if it’s in their best interest that they will think I’m a liar.
Unfortunately our family has dealt with sickness and death far too much in the past few years that my kids have a full understanding of what it means. Which brings me to my daughters remark which brought tears to my eyes a year ago after my grandfathers passing. While eating dinner my daughter told me she missed him way too much and asked me if she yelled really loud for him would he come down from Heaven to see her. 🙁 Prior to this convo i had explained he was very sick and his body couldn’t handle it anymore so he left us to go to Heaven with Jesus and is watching over us now but we will never see him on Earth.
My sister passed away earlier this year. She has four children. They lost their father a year prior to losing her so this topic is something that is an everyday challenge for my husband and I and my sister’s best friend who is living with and caring for the children. These children have been coping surprisingly well given the circumstances. They all cope differently though. The oldest, Dee(15), left the home immediately after her passing. It took us 8 hours to find him. He struggled for weeks. Then he threw himself into researching the type of cancer she had and grinding us for every detail of her illness. We told him all we knew. We handed over her journals and copies of emails she had exchanged regarding her cancer. Understanding her illness and what she was experiencing helped him to cope. Aurora, the ten year old, is very calm until we try to change something. She wants every routine the same. She wants her moms things in the same place, the car parked just so. We let her control some things. Others we are struggling through. Miles is 5 and he is like Boo, a sensitive little soul. He also asks the most difficult questions. “Can we visit mommy in heaven? Is heaven real? Is God real? Why did he take mommy? Was she scared? Does it hurt to die?. Will I die while I am sleeping, too?” These questions shatter my heart each time.he asks but we answer the best we can. We console him when he cries even over the tiniest things and we reassure him that he is loved and that mommy loved him very very much and she will always be in his heart. Mia is 3 and the most easy going. For her nothing has changed and my sister is not gone. She sings with her, and plays dolls, and goes down the slide and goes swimming. Sometimes I almost believe that Mia can see her. At first it worried me but the grief counselors say it is perfectly normal. Now when we have our tea parties I smile at the though that my sister is enjoying a cup of make believe tea along with me.
I think no matter what type of personality a child has though, the most important and greatest thing you can do for them is love them.through difficult times. And reinforce that whatever emotions.they are feeling are okay. There arent “wrong” emotions when it comes to grief.
Well said, I will say a prayer for your nieces and nephews and extended family… what a touching and affirming story of love and God’s grace! I recently saw some info on a local non-profit that provides a place for children who have lost family… you might consider checking your area for a similar type of non-profit?
Thank-you. My nieces and nephews are actually going to a grief program targeted towards children who have lost a parent. I have to say that it has helped immensely. Especially the older two. My sister fought a hard battle with cancer. She held on longer than we ever expected. She can finally rest now and I know she is in a good place. But you cannot expect a child to understand what she was enduring. So it is a blessing to have people helping us to help them cope.
So heartbreaking Adriana. They are so blessed to have you! Boo was like Mia when my dad passed away. I do think they have a connection that adults don’t. Thanks so much for sharing.
It’s amazing how different kids can be. Sometimes I wish my 13 yr old would shed some tears. He has never been a crier…even as a baby. Then we have our 8 yr old daughter. She’s not per se a crier, but more emotional. But at the same time, she is a mother hen. In Kindergarten she would help all the boys with their mittens, and was the last to go out. At a birthday party at a climbing gym, I saw a boy thrust his shoe at C. She bent down, tied it, and he walked away. She told me she ties everyone’s shoes! Even when I am upset, she will stroke my hair and say “It’s going to be ok honey.” Awww.
My kids also LOVE to hear our childhood stories.
I hope our fish Ruby sticks around a while. When I feed her at night she actually looks happy to see me.She does a little dance.
PS I have been swishing peroxide. Thanks for the tip.
When I was little, back when Dinosaurs roamed the earth, I cried really hard at the movie Pollyanna. So much so that my mother acted like she wasnt with me. Then I took my daughter to see Fox and the Hound. She was 5, I had to leave the theater before people started throwing popcorn at us because she was crying so hard. So when my granddaughter was 6 we rented Ol Yeller because she wanted to see the movie that I remembered the most when I was little. I told her to be prepared, it was very sad and I didnt know if it would be too hard on her. Does anyone remember that in one scene in that movie the boy sits on the bank of a pond or river and starts singing right out of the blue?????? Well, I didnt remember that either but from that point on, my granddaughter could NOT STOP LAUGHING. Apparently she inherited our humor more than our sentimentality!
Maybe you can make it easier on your child if you cry really hard before they can. And in public so they are embaressed. It must make them so mortified that they forget their own pain? Ha, probably not a well thought out long term policy.
Ahhh hilarious. So my oldest is the same way. Lily is 4.5 and a ball of raw emotion 110% of the time. Best story? We watched hubby/daddy compete in a trithalon on Father’s day. Wonderful. I hauled all 3 kids… 4, 3 and 1 out there to surprise him on Sunday morning! He told us not to come – knowing it would be a lot of work. It WAS a lot of work, but of course we were coming. So we get camped out and see him ride in on his bike. We yelled and clapped – saw him take off on his run. I decided it was time to take everyone back to the car for a potty break instead of the hideious portta potties. I turn around and Lily has tears and tears just streaming down. “Lily, did you get hurt? what’s wrong?” Lily “I’m just so happy. I ‘m so proud of my daddy. He rides his bike so good.” ———- Sweet, yes. Endearing, yes. Totally over the top and hilarious? Yes. My response is usually “do you need a hug?” That’s about as good as I can come up with because I am not and was not an emotional kiddo whatsoever! LOL — I have a video on my FB but I don’t know how to share it here :o)
I take my children to funerals. There is no escaping death, so why hide it or avoid talking about it? No, we don’t crash every funeral in town. I’m just talking about when someone we know passes away, we will take the kids along to pay our respects. Kids also need the opportunity to say “goodbye.”
Whether we lose someone we love, liked or just knew; or whether it was something we held dear such as an heirloom or favorite toy – loss happens. And I try to tackle it head on and just get through it. Grief is a normal, natural process and too many of us try to avoid it – I think because it is uncomfortable and sometimes because we just want things to get back to normal. But, trying to avoid it or ignore it only delays it. And I think it may be what causes psychological issues later on. We simply have to take the time to acknowledge and grieve a loss.
We lost a puppy a few years ago. Vanilla was only six months old and we ALL loved that dog. There was just something really special about her. My kids were very young then and I made an effort to focus on the positive. We had a little “funeral” for Vanilla and when my six year old sobbed “But, she was a baby!” it just broke our hearts. Even my big, strong husband couldn’t help shedding a few tears. But we focused on the positive: Vanilla was part of our family; we got to enjoy her company while she was here; she was a happy puppy; and in time, we will think of her and smile again. And now, several years later, we still talk about her and laugh at her antics. Everyone we know, whether human or animal, somehow enriches our lives.
When loss happens, it’s like getting a horrible wound. It bleeds, it hurts and it needs attention. If we don’t attend to it, say we try to ignore it or avoid dealing with it, then infection sets in and causes complications. But, when we tend to the wound, we find that over time it will heal. When we think, talk or write about who/what we’ve lost, even though it is painful, we are “tending to the wound.”
The most important thing in any kind of situation is to keep the lines of communication open. Don’t avoid talking about it. Don’t ignore it. Don’t brush it aside. Acknowledge your children’s feelings and help them process their thoughts. I believe that’s what I’m here for – not to protect them from everything, but to be a buffer between them and the worst of it until they can deal with it on their own. In that way I am teaching my children how to deal with whatever life may throw at them.
Anyway, I hope I didn’t drone on too much. :-} I’ve enjoyed reading your blog. I appreciate your honest observations and positive outlook. Hope you have a super day!
My first funeral was when I was about 6 I think. It gave me closure which I am thankful for now.
What an adorable post – your girl is really precious!
My mother raised us NOT to show ANY emotion. When her father died, I was 16 and cried. She warned me not to cry at the funeral. Her youngest sister cried – my mother told me she was mortified.
Since then, I cry at anything and everything, I laugh out loud anywhere, if I get mad I let people know, even strangers. I taught my children, all boys, it’s OK to show emotions – but don’t harm anyone if you’re mad. They in turn have shown their kids it’s OK.
I’m sure Boo is going to grow up to be the most wonderful, compassionate, loving daughter. You are very lucky. Preparing her for sad events that will happen – it’s all part of life – it’s just real hard on both parents and kids.
“And then Daddy and I got married…..
(crying) But I wanted to marry Daddy…..who will I marry now?!”
That’s golden. Remember that statement for her rehearsal dinner! (Or her future wedding toast.)
SOO much like my daughter at that age…. whatever youi do, if you have yardwork, Don’t chop down that aweful ugly funky cypress bush thing in the front… my daugher wouldn’t forgive me for killing the tree for DAYS… even when I explained that it was making room for her great grandmother’s lavendar bush…. GGs bush is great, but ‘she had another place all picked out for the tree and (I) you didn’t have to KILL it!’ Then a couple weeks later when I figured she had fully recovered I was trying to save our orange tree from certain death b/c the root stock was taking over and producing really unpalatable pomelos (REALLY, no matter HOW MUCH SUGAR)… it was like I had sacrificed her cat….. I was in the dark dungeons of my daughter’s prison for a LONG time. It’s a hard time to manage, but the best advice I can give you is to enjoy it and tread lightly… she is maturing up a very complex ladder of social and emotional maturity that will start to blossom into fewer crying episodes and more mature behavior… in a way, I’d love to take my hypersensitive little 5-6 year old back, but I can say that my now budding 7 year old is so much fun and it is so amazing to see her handle her emotions better and conquer her social fears…. she’s blossoming!!! Congrats, momma, you are growing a very special lil flower… just remember that there is no shame in having quiet time in her room to let her adjust herself emotionally and when she carries on and ON and ONNNNN, there is no shame in walking in, clapping your hands really loud (this was the ONLY way she could tell I was THERE) and telling her that it was time to settle down and she has 3 more minutes to pull herself together. I hope this helps in some way. Some people will probably say I’m mean aweful or cruel for sending my kids to thier room when they having crying spells, but they honestly walk in themselves most of the time and like the privacy to figure out how to self-settle (and frankly, no one wants to be INSIDE a pity party all day long). Works for us! Best luck to you and Boo! It will pass, seemingly quickly.
I try to be as honest, yet comforting as I can. I usually set somewhere that we can snuggle a bit & allow them to ask questions if I haven’t explained so they understand. I also try to give a example from something we have as a real life example. It is obvious she is loved and we all have our versions or even names for things aka “kitty” in lieu of fine china. I just couldn’t deal with the technical name being swift out loud at an wrong time or place. 🙂
How do you deal with these things?? Just be so grateful you have such a compassionate kiddo! What a blessing and something that I hope my 2 year old will be.
I cried at CARS! CARS! My husband knows I am ridiculous! Don’t even get me started on how terrible I looked coming out of the first NARNIA. Looked liked I’d been punched in the face I had been sobbing so bad—Jesus references AND animals! Too much! My poor kid will probably never get to see Ol Yeller, Bambi or Fox and the Hound unless someone else shows him!
Death of people and animals is hard for all of us, but I love the book “Heaven” by Randy Alcorn for grown ups and “Heaven for Kids” for little people. It has questions and answers that all point back to scripture. It is a very reasuring look at what Heaven will look like, what we will DO in heaven, and who will be there with us. The way is is written too, is very easy to read. There are questions with answers so if a specific topic comes up you can just turn to that part.
i’m not a momma at this point in my life but i have several kiddos who are very important to me and that i make a huge effort to be a part of the lives of. one kiddo in particular is now 17 and lives in a different city about 3 hours away from me. however, i have known her her entire life and she use to cry for me and call me mama when she was little. i lived with her and her parents and older brother for a few years when she was still very young (from age 5 – 8) before moving out as they moved out of town. from time to time ever those three years she and her brother would spend the night in my room (either because i was watching them while the parents were out of town or just for fun). one time in particular we were all tucked in for bed (me in mine and them in their sleeping bags on the floor) but my girl just wouldn’t fall asleep. she wanted to talk. problem was, i was having a very hard time staying awake. finally at one point i told her she had to be quiet and go to sleep that we had things to do the next day and we couldn’t sleep in. i was then informed “but i just can’t sleep right now” so of course i asked why not. “beacuse i just don’t understand who so many people in the world don’t believe in jesus.”
wow.
i was caught very off guard by this because of how young she was to be so concerned about the spiritual wellfare of everyone on the planet, not because it was a faith based issue as both of us were raised in church and are devoted to our faith.
in response i told her was a really big thing to be so concerned about and that it was great that she cared and did she want to take a minute and pray about it. she did so we did. and then i told her it was a worry that wasn’t going to go away overnight but that is wasn’t good for us to keep ourselves awake with worry either. she took it pretty well and finally fell asleep.
i’ve always remembered that conversation with my girl.
for the most part i try not to shy away from answering the hard questions when a child asks them. the hard part isn’t knowing what to say but making sure to give the child some sort of a legit answer without stepping on their parent’s toes. luckily my friends are very trusting and usually are okay with how i handle such things. if i feel i can’t answer the question without possibly crossing a parental line i simply inform the child that they need to talk to their parents about it, but this is very rare. and i always make sure to tell the parents everything about our conversation, especially very young children as they tend to repeat what was said with out giving full context and it is likely to be misunderstood by the parents.
i don’t know why there is a smilely face icon in the middle of a parenthetical statement but it was suppose to read (age 5-8).
I love that. Kids can say the most powerful things sometimes!
Oh boy that’s a tough one… I have a 5 yr old daughter. I always struggle giving tough news to her. It breaks my heart when she is sad. But I try really hard to just be honest with her. And be willing to answer difficult questions as they will be sure to follow.
Oh, this i a tough one. I wrote about this actually recently on Babble after Father’s Day. My husband died two years ago from cancer. Now that my little man is four, he grasps the reality of his Dad’s death a little more each week, each month each year.
It is always a tough topic – and I hate having these conversations because they are heartbreaking each time. A quick and simple question can turn into what will happen when I die, to what happens when our dog Charlie dies. And when he dies, how will he take his room to heaven? And when he gets older he doesn’t want to lose his stuffed puppy. Every new comment, realization and question results in a new bout of sobbing and more tears.
My approach is to always listen, be honest in my answers and tell them it hurts me, too. And of course lots of hugs and kisses.
Ice cream or other comfort foods don’t hurt either.
Oh my goodness Kathleen. I’m so sorry. I know they are as heartbreaking for you as they are for him. I agree about telling them that we are hurt too. It shows them that we are feeling the same way even though we might not vocalize it.
Can i just say how much I LOVE that your daughter wants to KNOW all about you, and SOAK you in…..how special is that!!!!
I love your posts..
I’m very emotional and cry over everything.. (movies,songs in the car,etc).
My daughter likes to ask about my childhood occasionally but isn’t quite as emotional as me. ‘
Had to laugh about marrying daddy.. My daughter has gotten upset cause she can’t marry her daddy. I tried telling I already married him and she declared that wasn’t fair cause she wanted to marry him.But then she goes to Prek and is upset cause there isn’t enough boys in her Prek class (aka more girl’s than boys) cause she can’t marry one cause the other girl’s taken them. Tell her she can marry one from the other prek classes but she doesn’t want that 😉 AWW the life a four old (SHE IS NOW 5)
I have NO answers… We couldn’t get past the first ten minutes of Madagascar: Escape 2 Africa. As soon as the baby lion was “cat napped” the tears and hysteria started… Far TOOOOO intense for my daughter…. we turned it off and I’m not sure if we will even revisit it in a few years….. :/
When I was 9, I went with my mom and picked out a teeny tiny lahsa opso puppy. I named her peaches and she has been by my side my whole life. This past May, she passed. I am now 25. I have a 3yr old daughter who doesn’t quite understand that Peaches isn’t here anymore. She believes that she’s outside playing somewhere with her friends. I cry almost daily about it because Ava insists on walking out onto the porch and calling for her every single night. I just cant make her understand what’s happened to her 🙁 and her favorite movie is Marley&Me….I’ve tried explaining that Peaches is gone like Marley and she just says “No Mama, her is outside playing!” 🙁 She understands that her papa is an angel watching over her, but she can’t grip that our puppy is gone. The hard stuff is tough with little ones!
And now im crying like a baby and I didn’t even answer your question…. lol
Weird that you should bring this up now Ash. A couple of weeks ago we lost one of our dogs while we were on vacation. She took off from the pet sitter’s house. They looked for more than a day. Like cars on the streets, four wheelers in the yards, and even the police looked during the night (they live in a small town…I do not think most police offer this service). The next afternoon a boy called the sitter’s number, from a poster she had made, notifying her that he had just seen a dog get hit by a car and that it was not good. We were not home. We were not going to be home for another week and a half. The sitter called me and between sobs broke the news to me. I’m thinking…how do I tell the kids? And then the big one, how do I tell my husband (who pretty much adored this dog)? So my friend, the sitter, and I talk for a bit and then she hands me the real stumper, “What do you want me to do with her?” Um…hmmm…I’m going to have to get back to you on that. I mean, what do you do? As a child, my cat ran away. My parents gave away my dog while I was at a sleepover (because I didn’t walk him enough). And my bird died while I was in college, so my Mom took care of it. I mean we’re not talking a flushable fish now, are we? Crazy enough the first thing that came into my head was “Ewww. In a week and a half she’s going to stink”, but that’s not the kind of thing you say when breaking bad news to someone. In a “fix it” type of mood, I grab my husband and ask him to come outside to talk to me. I break the news and instantly spring the what should we do with her question. Not. So. Smart. He starts to almost hyperventilate, and then calms himself down and starts running through things he wants to do with the yard, therefore eliminating burial spots. Finally I call my friend back and describe the location the best I can. Her husband built a box and they buried her that day. Her kids even made a cross since they needed some closure after the search they had been part of. So we tell the kids…two days later. I started to think my husband was going to keep acting like nothing had happened, so I cornered him and we told the kids together. As straight forward as possible. No fluff. My DS broke into sobs. My DD looked at us for a minute or two and then loudly said ” HA! Maggie’s dead! At least we have another dog”… She could use a bit of your DD’s empathy. In actuality she didn’t really understand. And it took days of her asking questions before she got it. Now, I find them periodically at the grave (which ironically was not where I described, but a better location altogether). I think we’ll make a flower wreath and go say “Good Bye” one day this week. Some form of closure is good.
I am usually the matter-of-fact, no nonsense type, but when my 15 year old cat had to be put down, I did the unthinkable, I lied! My kids were 2, 4, and 6 at the time and we had just lost my grandfather who they were all very close to. I decided that I was not going to burden them further with the loss of “meow-meow.” When they realized she didn’t come in one night (it took two nights) they asked if they could look around the neighborhood for her. We walked around to no avail, obviously! Then they wanted to hang up posters. So there I was, hanging posters crying to myself, you know, I had that cat longer than I had them so it was very emotional to me.
Now they are 7, 9, and 11 and have had to deal with the death of a dear uncle and the family dog. I didn’t sugar coat these, just told them. First was the dog, who me and my hubby decided had had enough. We didn’t tell the kids, but we took what we knew were the last pictures of them with him and then took him away to the vet. Later that day we told them, straight out, TJ died. There was a wail of “TJ, noooooooo” which broke my heart. Then there is the whole issue of the vet killing the dog, what a concept for little brains. We got through that and most recently had to deal with the death of their uncle. My middle (my older two are boys, little is a girlie, girl) asked if he was still at home. I told him no. He asked if he was back in the hospital. I told him no. He asked if he was in heaven. I told him yes. Then the tears came and in came older and younger and we sat in the middle of the kitchen floor and had a good cry. I must say, it sucked. But I think it sucked more when I lied. I felt justified because of their ages and because Great Grandpa had just died, but looking back, I should have told them.
My girlie to this day, when she is tired and emotional and knows she doesn’t really have a reason to cry but feels like crying will tell me that she misses Great Grandpa. “Ummmm, honey, you were 1, you don’t even remember him” is what I want to say, but I just hug her and let her cry and try to teach her that she doesn’t have to have an excuse to cry.
We’re girls, we cry!