Archives for 2012

….for some awesome horticulture shots in this post. And donuts. And Tostitos. And bee pollen. Etc.

I could hang out in the waiting room of Dr. L’s office all day. The average age is about 70 years and I meet kindred spirits. As soon as I sat down this morning a sweet woman says to her friends: look how this one just sprouted up. I laughed and told her:

Me: Yep, I never stopped growing….I’m like a giraffe. If you need anything up high just let me know.
Woman: I can sense when people are friendly…..I knew you would be.
Me: I’m in a extra good mood today now that I got a seat by you.
Woman: Can I see the color of your hair under that cap?
Me (laughing): I don’t have any hair under my cap. (I show her my head….and the entire room looks.)
Woman: Oh it looks so nice. It must have been hard though.
Me: Not really, and I found out I had some secrets under my hair….a birthmark and a scar.
Woman: Oh! That’s so fun…..and mysterious! It’s a secret you’ve been keeping your whole life!
Me: Maybe I’ll get a tattoo on my head before the hair grows back. That would rock.
Woman: Oh no dear…..no tattoos, please.

I got my Neulasta shot. I walked right in and said “shoot me in the stomach”……no hesitation. It really wasn’t a big deal last time……so I figured I’d be really brave. Awww….the Neulasta shot is a cute little shot…..pretty, blue and looks like it would want to say “I want to be a big shot, but I’m just a wee little shot.”

My father-in-law called this morning and said that he had seen my HCG numbers. They went up last week to 78…..and stayed the same this week. Do. Not. Like. My scan next Tuesday will hopefully hold the secret. Maybe there’s not enough vascular activity where the tumor is growing back in my pelvis (don’t I sound like a doctor? that came from my father-in-law)…..not enough blood supply to bring the toxic chemotherapy to the cancer cells. Dear tumor: just STAY away from my bladder and colon okay? I’m really squeamish about catheter type thingys…..I’ll faint even thinking about it any longer.

VERY IMPORTANT: Before my scan next week I need to buy a new bra. I don’t have to take it off for my CT scans…..and in the last scan I wore my favorite bra with the wire all wonky. It was a push-up…..so my boobs looked all wonky in the 3-D image too. As we were talking to the radiologist all I could think was how embarrassed I was……wonky bra, wonky boobs…..cancer? what cancer? He probably thinks I can’t afford a new bra. In the scan you could see the wire loud and clear all twisted and crazy looking. I actually wear my clothes and my boots in the machine…..it must be super powerful….which means I’m getting nucleared even more. It’s never a good sign when the technicians lock huge vault-like doors behind them and pull the shades to go push a button. Just great.

On my way home from the doctor my friend Megan texted me to remind me about the Farmer’s Market on Wednesdays…..so I stopped by. I only had $17 in cash….so I had to budget.

I bought some local bee pollen….that took $10:

When I got back from the farmer’s market I stole some oranges from my neighbors house. I actually sent her a text first. Her reply was “take them all! all I eat is double stuff Oreos.”  Her dogs thought I was stealing though.

Lisa’s first day back from vacation…..and I make her drink her first glass of freshly squeezed juice. I don’t think she liked it that much. She said it bordered on workplace harassment. Then she complained that she felt like she was going to have to poop at work. Oh please, be GLAD you can poop Lisa! I’m praying for poop!  Reminds me of a Google search recently that brought someone randomly to my blog: girls who poop at work. I hope they found what they were looking for. Lisa, was that YOUR Google search?

Don’t worry….I haven’t gone on nutritional overload…..I had a donut for breakfast. My friends Todd and Jodi brought some by.  Jodi was still in her pjs.

I only slept for a few hours last night. The Decadron made me nocturnal. I made steamed broccoli at midnight and got some work done. I’m hoping maybe I’ll be able to nap. First, I’ll eat some Tostitos dipped in sour cream in bed…..and most likely completely reverse the juicing effects. Sorry Brett if I leave any crumbs.

Here I am at chemo today…..trying not to laugh as the nurse took my picture with my phone. My bra strap is showing…darn.  I like my chair location….it’s right under one of the cool vents….and close to the bathroom. I told the nurses about Lil Blue Boo today…..and that I wrote about them. Maybe they’ll stop by.

See that huge bag at my feet? I take it every time I go to chemotherapy. It weighs about 50 pounds….seriously. I can’t stand to be without my stuff: laptop, iPad, iPhone, journal, pens, extension cord, chargers, cheddar Goldfish, Target fruit snacks, water, sometimes a Vitamin Water, lip balm, my chemo schedule, a blanket, my sweatshirt, and so on.

I had way too much energy today. I think it was the crazy juice concoction I made. I was totally on my own today because Brett had to leave to go out of town super early. Boo and Brett have their own special routine in the morning and Boo let me know:

Boo: Make SURE you mix the bananas good. Daddy does a good job mixing my cereal. And sometimes he lets me watch Goldrush. Its about finding gold. I think he already made my lunch though. And we can’t be late for prayer circle. I’ll tell Miss Leslie you don’t have any hair anymore when we get there.

Me: I’m feeling the pressure!

I took Boo to school and everyone in the office was sooo sweet and excited about my shaved head. Someone had forwarded around the link to the “how to shave your head” movie we made. Even Boo’s teacher had seen it.

I felt okay after chemo so I went to school to pick Boo up early. She didn’t want to leave. Go figure. Not feeling so hot now….but I have nothing to do this evening so that’s okay. I have a log from the last “CO” chemo treatment on how I felt….it helps me plan.  The nurse told me that Vincristine (one of the drugs I had today) can cause major constipation……so I’ll be contemplating that. I’m just hoping I don’t have to blog about poop again for a while. Dr. L thought the Vincrinstine might be what was causing my jaw pain, that it was a nerve-related thing……but the nurse thought it might be the Neulasta…..maybe it’s both.

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Since my mom left yesterday I was feeling guilty about not juicing….so this morning I took everything out of the fridge that looked like it might have some juice in it: cucumber, kale, young Thai coconut, carrots, apples, lemons and even a few sad looking blueberries. If it’s not organic, I just peel the skin off. This is the juicer I use. I got it from Costco. It’s kind a pain to clean….but if you just clean it right when you finish juicing and then put the machine right back together it’s not a big deal:

I made a huge batch so I could force Gicela to try it today (insert evil laugh). I just cut the carrots, apples (put them straight in with the skin on after they’ve been washed) and add them to the juicer with the kale….I think it helps to get the kale juiced better. With all the different colors it starts to look a little pea-soupish. I cut up lemons and add them with their skin on. The lemon adds tartness to the juice and masks a lot of the vegetable flavors. If I add oranges or grapefruit I cut the rind off…..their rind tastes icky when juiced.

Once all the juice is finished I like to add some crushed ice (because I like it super cold) and the coconut pulp….and I use a hand blender to whip it all up. You can add banana or avocado at this stage because those can’t be juiced.

It isn’t that bad! Gicela even liked it.

I’ve got chemo tomorrow…..so I thought I’d go to Home Depot this afternoon and stock up on some spray paint. That makes sense right? I went by myself….nothing on my head….totally bald. I walked around for about an hour….I like to do that….just browsing the aisles and thinking of potential projects. It was the ultimate social experiment. I hit up the garden center…..Mr. LBB wants some ferns for under our pergola. I couldn’t find any…….so I kind of aimlessly walked around in the shady plant section. A woman smiled at me and said “you have a VERY nicely shaped head.” I told her excitedly that I had just shaved it. Only a few moments earlier she had berated a man for stealing a shopping cart. You should have seen the look on the poor guy’s face when he saw that it was my cart….he looked like he had stolen a cart from a cancer patient! He sheepishly returned it to me.  I was so embarrassed and I told him it was no big deal. It wasn’t……if someone steals my cart I usually find another. It’s good exercise.

It’s not really fair, but I started to mentally ticking off which categories people fell into as I walked around the store. It ended up being all over the place:

Okay….so I came close to crying in Home Depot too. I was in the checkout line and a sweet elderly man looked at me, turned around, and then looked back at me again. He said softly “have you been sick, sweetie?” I told him yes, but I was going to be okay….he took my hand and said “well I wish only the best for you.” I barely made it out of the store intact.

I don’t think I acted any differently than I ever do in the store. I know I was paying more attention to interactions. I was on a mission NOT to look sick: standing up straight, walking briskly, smiling and talking with energy etc.  But I was definitely treated differently. It doesn’t bother me at all…..we are all human. It’s just something I’m aware of now…..and I’m thankfully aware. I’ll never look at anyone bald or wearing a scarf the same again. It’s what my mother said as well.

The crazy part about the whole thing is……I fell into the category “totally wants to say something but doesn’t get the courage” at lunch. There was a bald lady sitting near us and I wanted to know what her story was and I didn’t have the guts to ask. Maybe she wouldn’t have wanted me to ask. Ironically, I was a bald woman worried about talking to another bald woman.

Last night was my mom’s last night here. She babysat and Mr. LBB and I went out to dinner with our friends Ben and Staci who were in town visiting. It was awesome…..I haven’t been out in months. I wore a wool beanie….and I got SO hot….so I took it off at dinner.  We had to laugh because half the restaurant was bald…..seriously. We were the youngest people by about 30 years.

Update: Someone asked me which category I wished people fell into. I like when people are inquisitive and compassionate because I’m very inquisitive and like hearing what their story is.  I also like when I’m treated completely normal….so probably somewhere in between! I can’t speak for anyone else though. Maybe some of you could let me know what you think…..especially if you’ve been there!  I know I’m a total fail on things like this sometimes….I get social anxiety and want to do the right thing but then become a crazy person. So I’d be the overly friendly and awkward!

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So…my mom left today….and we already miss her. Who is going to force me to drink green juice and test my PH daily?

My friend Kristina sent me some personalized M&Ms! CHOOSE JOY, NURSES BEWARE, and DEMAND RECOUNT. A few weeks back my HCG numbers didn’t budge….even after starting the aggressive chemotherapy and I told everyone that I had demanded a recount at the doctor’s office. I didn’t believe the number. Turns out the doctor didn’t either and switched labs for my weekly test. I’m learning more and more to speak up when I think something is wrong.

Chemo isn’t until around lunchtime tomorrow…..it won’t be a long day!  Hopefully I’ll get something creative done in the morning.