I shared a table with a young girl in the kid’s section of Barnes and Noble yesterday. We started talking after we both witnessed an older woman huff off in annoyance at how talkative Boo was:
Me: Well I was going to say something….but now we’ve got this table, right?
Girl: Ha yes. I’d been waiting for this table.
Me: Well….then you’re welcome….on behalf of my obnoxious kiddo.
Somehow we got on the topic of Little House on the Prairie. I told her how awesome I thought it was that she was spending her money on books. She told me she was kind of a nerd. I told her I wished I’d been a nerd. And then she left….and I sat there wondering what life holds for her….and hoping she stays a nerd.
*****
When I was 16 years old I got a new car. My dad installed a cell phone in it for emergencies. Back in 1992 it was one of those huge phones that was wired directly into the car….bolted to the side of the center console. I didn’t just use it for emergencies though…I made phone calls whenever I wanted. I called my friends from the road….I checked in with my parents…..I called in Chinese takeout. My Dad never said a word about the bill….until about a year later when he called me into his office one day:
Why would you be making a phone call in Waxhaw at 2:30am? Or in Davidson at 1:15 in the morning?
I stammered my way out of that predicament with some amazingly clever excuses like: I had to drive a friend home that night…..and….we were prank calling a friend’s house from the driveway.
The reality was…..I probably didn’t really remember why I was making a phone call from either of those cities. I probably didn’t really remember making a phone call at all…..but the time stamp on the bill said I was there. And so I was there….and insanely intoxicated. (and my dad apparently had a first edition of the parental GPS tracker)
When I think back to high school I really don’t think any amount of knowledge or lecturing would have worked to convince me not to drink. I knew if I got caught I’d be grounded or have my car taken away etc…..but I didn’t care about that. All my friends drank…..and all of the friends I wanted to have drank. Some parents allowed us to drink….saying it was natural for teenagers to experiment. We weren’t experimenting. We were professionals….and we were 16, 17 and 18 years old. We each drank for different reasons ….and we drank ourselves into oblivion….whenever and wherever we could. I had some great friends although I can’t tell you much about them now….long lasting friendships aren’t really cultivated through drinking. I guess that little fact is what went through my head when I was sitting with that young girl at the bookstore table. I wanted to tell her that I wish I’d spent more time reading. I wanted to tell her that I wish I’d spent my money on books…..or movies…..or art supplies. I wish I’d spent more time getting to know people. I wish I’d spent more time volunteering. And mostly I wanted to tell her…..that by the grace of God…. I somehow managed to avoid DUIs, arrests, sexual assault, lethal overdoses and death. And that all probably would have scared her away right?
The rest of the story starts after high school when I discovered that I had the ability to consume enormous amounts of alcohol. I could drink a football team under the table. Yep, if drinking was a sport……then I was the MVP.
When I moved into my college freshman dorm I knew my limits:
I didn’t have any limits.
And for about 14 years, from 1992 until around 2006, I didn’t have any limits. At least I didn’t think I did. And I was sent to alcohol counseling by my university, my sorority forced me to attend an outpatient recovery program, I was put on probation by my foreign exchange program in China (only because my friend was “roofied” when we weren’t supposed to be out drinking….not completely my fault right?). How many chances does a gal get? Usually not as many as I’ve gotten….
c. 1996
*****
You are probably wondering where this is coming from…..well I’ve been in kind of a funk lately. Mr. LBB says it’s because I’ve been neglecting the things I love to do the most:
Me: But I don’t have anything new to write about.
Mr. LBB: Then write about something old….
What a novel concept. And so this is a start. The problem is I don’t know where to start….so I guess I’ll jump around for a while until the pieces start to fall into place. I guess what I’m saying is…fasten your seatbelt…and my friends need not worry….your secrets will always remain anonymous.
I had some good times in there….I’m sure of it….but I don’t really remember all of them. Family and friends remember a lot of it for me:
Remember when…
you almost fell in the pool at your wedding?
you went skinny dipping at my parent’s wedding?
you parked the car in the wrong driveway?
you tried to sleep beside a telephone pole?
They know I’m okay with them talking about it. I forgave myself a long time ago. Heck maybe that’s another issue in itself….I’m quick to forgive….myself….and everyone else. I don’t like baggage. It’s like my pastor says:
I love to sin. God loves to forgive. All is right with the world.
(I probably totally butchered that…)
Some memories come back in bits and pieces and I frantically write them down….usually after a few minutes of horror/trauma. And I have my journals and diaries….except for the ones I burned (in my parent’s backyard….page by page…. in a Christmas cookie tin). I wish I’d kept those. It all seemed so dark at the time….I traded alcohol for a few years of anorexia and bulimia….then the alcohol came back with a vengeance due to overwhelming anxiety and panic attacks. And I was medicated for depression, ADHD, anxiety…..the list goes on and on.
c. yesterday.
my bangs were baggage. i cut them all off.
A diary entry from 2001:
I’m just so tired. Looking in the mirror today I noticed that my face is a little thinner. I always tell myself that there is a line I will draw but I think I’m way beyond that. This strict detox program I’m on is nothing but an excuse not to eat. I’m scared to go to the dentist. I’m scared to go to the grocery store for fear I’ll buy everything with no self- control when I get home. My anxiety attacks are at an all time high. Dr. C’s medication is keeping the heart palpitations at a minimum but the flushed cheeks and constant sweating are enough to bring them back again. I have nightmares that my teeth are crumbling into pieces and falling out.
It doesn’t seem so dark now….because I can’t even imagine ever being in that place again. But I guess the question is….how did I get to this good place? When did I get here? How do I teach Boo to stay in a good place as she gets older? How can I help other young girls do the same? I can’t help but wonder if things would have been different if I’d immersed myself in more art….or discovered art journaling earlier….or if digital photography had existed at the time. This might take some time to sort out.
P.S. Barnes and Noble wasn’t actually yesterday….but it took me a few days to actually get the courage to press “publish.”
P.P.S. So just wondering…..has anyone else ever destroyed a diary?
It took great courage to write all that out there for everyone to see. Wow. Glad to hear that you can no longer see yourself going back to those bad habits. Hooray for God!
And just from another perspective- I WAS a nerd in high school AND college. When all the cool kids were partying- I was the one doing extra studying, community service, working my part time job, more studying, sewing, and extra tutoring. I spent my teen and early twenties building a resume. Sure, I graduated as Valedictorian from high school and went on to a college career of dean’s lists, honors, and a great job right out of college. But looking back, wish I had shelved the books a bit more and enjoyed my youth. Not to the level you were talking about- but a whole lot more. I have very few crazy stories, only ones like “Remember the time I pulled several overnighters at the computer lab working on homework?” “Remember doing fluid dynamics homework at 2am the morning of my wedding?”…. I’m going to encourage my children to have a balance of FUN and nerd-iness. … Sure i have a box full of awards and medals in my garage- but never went to a frat party, a college bar, etc. While I’m proud of myself for my accomplishments, I should have rocked a mini-skirt and gone to a club at least a few times before motherhood. 🙂
Right there with ya.
Ditto!
Halleluja…I was hoping someone would leave a comment like yours Leslie. Thank you! I respect you deeply for posting this Ashley but I wish it was not so black and white. In my opinion lots and lots and lots of people who drank when they were young now (and back then) have a fine life (myself and all friends included). No, our life were and are not perfect because that does not exist in my opinion but a ‘normal’ life with ups and downs.
I am sorry to hear your downs were so severe and serious but you for sure seem to have risen above it. You are amazing!
I don’t know what to say other than I am looking forward to more posts. It’s shocking and affirming to find out that everyone has a dark (or at least shadowy) part in their past. I’ve not been there with the drinking, but I have been there with anorexia and other issues. I’m very glad to see that you are remembering, exploring, and rejoicing.
I have never burned a journal and I have been keeping journals since I was 9, about 20 years. I like the sense of accomplishment I get from adding one more to the shelves every few months. I am also fearful of burning the good and the bad. I am afraid of what I’d lose even if they are things I should let go of.
Thank you for sharing your thoughts. It’s so good to know that everyone makes mistakes and no ones life is all roses and sunshine!
Oh yeah, and I lived in Waxhaw for a year or so growing up!
I’m glad you’re finding something to write about. Yes, I burned my diaries. They were full of rebellious thoughts and nothing in them brought about any happiness when reading them again, so my husband burned them for me in the backyard on a cold, gray winter’s day years ago. I watched from the window. I don’t regret burning them. I do regret some of the thoughts they contained. But God is good and His forgiveness is mine.
Wow, reading your post just made me feel so incredibly normal!! Unfortunately, even all these years later, I’ve not been able to forgive myself for the horror shows of my youthful years. I am still haunted by the stupid things I did when drinking in my youth. Many times when I meet new people or read about them (or read their blog!) I feel even bigger regret for the mistakes of my past because I think that there’s no way that these people went through what I went through or made the stupid mistakes that I made. I imagine they had these picture perfect lives full of happy fun-loving memories that didn’t involve throwing up in their bedroom closet to avoid detection by parents (is that TMI??) . Thank you for once again sharing your amazing (normal) life with us!!
I feel the same way, I couldn’t have said it any better. I’m fairly certain there are more of us than we know. I do find myself searching for those stories that will make me feel “normal”. Thank you all for being so cleansingly (pretty sure that’s not a word but you get the message) honest. Hard to find it these days.
I’ve always known I liked you! We have so much in common. I have severe anxiety (hello, medication) and I have burned many a diary. I’m always embarrassed to read what I wrote about myself years later. I can’t stand it, in fact. It’s awesome to read more about your personal life. It’s nice to know that so many creative people have the same problems, honestly. It makes me feel not so alone.
For 2 years I have read your blog and thought you were perfect….now I know your not and love you even more!!!!
Exactly!!!
As if I needed another reason to love you! This is what you need to be doing – this writing from the heart of your life. Just think of the gift this will be for Boo one day. You are brave. You are amazing. You are perfect exactly as you are, or have been at any time during your life. God says you are enough. This, my beloved Little One, is our Human Experience.
Sending you all my love on the wings of a desert sparrow,
Deborah
Never burned a journal, I have them all here… but I’m kinda glad nobody can read them (they are all in Swiss German, lol). I did some really stupid stuff in my late teens… don’t we all??? I have high hopes for at least one of my kids… you know, the one that spends hours in her room reading and seems wise beyond her years. The other one… lord help me!!
You have come a long way! I too want my kids to be innocent for as long as possible! I never wrote a diary. I should have. I was in the bars at 18 with a fake ID. I drank wine coolers in water bottles and took vodka and orange juice to class with me in college, I drank myself sick twice. I even passed out in the bathroom of a bar! Yikes! Luckily I woke up. I make sure I know what my son is doing at all times. He is only a year younger than I was when I lost my virginity. I do not want him to do what I did! I have a feeling my daughter is going to give us hell! My husband was a high school drop out who got his GED and did some college before joining the air force. But he was ALWAYS in trouble! He stole his sister’s car, he stole road closed signs and stop signs, YIKES! Luckily no one was hurt when he did that. He knew all of the cops which is not good! I am hoping my daughter will not be like that! But she has MAJOR attitude. I do tell my children about my dad who was a druggie, and my step father who was an alcoholic that used to beat us, he slashed my mom’s tires and we got to ride home in a cop car, and he broke our windows in our home and almost killed my cat. It was all very scary. I do not want my kids to do drugs so I tell them all of the bad stuff that happened to my dad and myself. My dad had been to prison, lived in a sleeping bag with a gun guarding his crops in the mountains. When I was three I knew how to cut and sniff lines of cocaine. So sad 🙁 He now lives in hawaii on a beach homeless, or sometimes has a tent. I no longer speak to him and haven’t for 12years. I ran away with a 21 year old when I was 14. I went through counseling for all my life until I was 18. I think I am the person I am today because of what I went through. I guess I wasn’t a very good kid. I did go to school all the time and had mostly straight As though so I did something right. I never really thought of all I did wrong but I never got introuble doing it. I am so grateful my kids have two parents who are still married. My husband adopted my son when he was 11 but we have been together since he was 2. We have a great marriage and I am so lucky to have found him. My kids get to see what a real family is like. I make my kids watch documentaries on less fortunate children and try to teach them that they are very lucky with the things they have and get to do. It is amazing what people go through and can survive. I hope Boo learns all you want her too! She is very luckily to have you and Mr. LBB as her parents.
I once passed out in a bathroom during a Nickleback concert. My boyfriend and best friend didn’t even come looking for me. I to this day have a scar on my chin from where I hit the railing in the bathroom. OMG!
It is a running joke with my high school friends about how much of high school I don’t remember. I shredded journals and actually prayed for God to remove my memory of my high school years. He did and now I don’t really remember but bits and pieces of it. I spent college trying to “re-find” myself and making LOTS of bad choices along the way. I agree we are who we are because of our past and God uses us that way. Their are young women out there that we can reach out to and say IT DOES NOT HAVE TO BE THIS WAY……Ashely, I’ve had you on my heart for a while now and have been praying for you without really knowing why I felt called to pray for you….. I will continue to do so. Your honesty is a blessing to those of us who are your readers.
I destroyed a few diarys in my time, one of which I wish I still had. I had anxiety and depression in college and saw our on campus psychiatry department. They told me to start journaling, and as an art major, those journals were amazing. But once out of the darkness, I burned the pages, one by one and felt much better in the process. How 17-18 years later, I’d give anything to have those journals, to re read those truths and misinterpreted versions of what I thought of myself at the time.
Thanks for your post. It must have been tough to write. And I agree with mr boo. I get wierd when I’m not doing what I love as well. When I lose my creative me I get in a funk. I just clawed out of one, and have a great quilt to show for it, but it was almost two years in the making, it’s been quite a funk.
Keep writing. Write a book. You have the words. And your truths!
Speak it sister.
Yes, I’ve thrown away a diary, and I regret it. I realized later I was trying to throw away a part of myself.
Great post. Thank you.
How brave you are Ashley!! Kudos! I have never really kept a journal or a diary. No evidence! Ha! I have thought about it several times, but just never done it. So glad you lived through those years to be here and encourage others with your honesty and open heart. Be blessed!
Thank You..especially!..for your Honesty!!..I, so enjoy!..your Talent, Boo’s adventures (GBabe, age 8, We are making a Fruit Salad..for MaMa(my Daughter)..we, found Watermelon, Cantalopes..where are the “Honeymoons?”..Have 3,GBabes..Daughter 2,6,8…forMom’s Day..my Son, spouse gave me”NaNaCard..TWINS”However,..Ashley, you are “awesome”(overused!)..for “BREAKING DOWN”..the “BLOG DOORS”..Great!!..for you!! I, am , early retired.RN,..I, was “the RN,” that worked Prison’s, Jails, Psychiatric supervisor..of a Children’sUnit..Hospice for Peds! “I, loved..it all!!” RN Jobs..No one! was “waiting in line” to be hired! You!…are , a “strong” Successful woman..I, hope “more Blogs” with a large “Fanbase” Follow your Leadership!”Your spouse.. Was correct..!!”
ive always loved reading your blog, especially when you put it all out there. you are so down to earth and relatable. i believe we all have our dark moments in our lives. one thing, i wish i could learn your ease of forgiveness…this is def an area i struggle with.
you are such a light and i can only pray to be half as good a parent as you have proved time & again that you are. many blessings to your family dear ashley.
Just thank you Ashley. Those dark corners sure have the ability to creep back even if in different forms if we let them Hugs
Me Too. Just… me too.
I never destroyed a diary, never was one to write out my feelings and emotions…then I’d have to face them. However, I did destroy my college grades. I’d found them in an unopened envelope in the basement box of “college stuff”. Unopened because I was well aware what those grades were. I tore them up so my children would never find them, never think it was acceptable to do so poorly. I had to face those grades 20 years after the fact….Thank you for sharing your dark, after the fact corners. You have been a great help and encouragement with your openness in so many areas….You will likely help many more with your generous heart. Thank you….
We had bought my Mom a grandmother’s journal and immediately after she passed away Oct 10th of last year my daughter found it and she had filled out a lot of it. The preacher read it at her funeral. So happy to have it. Save those journals, it’s nice for your kids to know the real you when they’re older. Or at least have a little of your memories because although Mom told a lot of stories, I heard them so much I half listened and now I wish I could ask her something or hear them again.
And thank you for your honesty and in wanting to help young girls not to fall into some of the same situations. I think your testimony can be a blessing to a lot of people. And your happy life now is proof that they can do the same.
My parents had a pretty great way of making all 4 kids not think twice about rebelling through alcohol, bit you may not be able to do it. We drank with them. Not to get drunk, but mini glasses at Christmas and starting around 6 th grade we could have some wine with dinner if they were, or brandy, g&t etc. as a result drinking wasn’t restricted, but we learned how to manage alcohol and respect it. My parents talked about drinking, sex etc from an early age. Spoiled it all for us.
On the other hand check out… http://Www.hyperboleandahalf.com. Great cartoon about depression and lots of laughs to get you out of the blues.
This backfired on me. My parents allowed us to drink occasionally with them. But they also gave me a lot of freedom and I took advantage of it and had parties when they were gone and got into their alcohol/etc stash all the time.
Oh good Lord, not only did I burn my diaries, I had a bonfire on the beach under a full moon to do it. I was 19, had just had my second nervous breakdown (undiagnosed bipolar) and wanted a fresh start from the heartache and drama of growing up….Not just one, but three diaries were torched that night…..
No regrets….I have a teenage daughter of my own now, and it doesn’t take much to be reminded of the pain that was written in those pages. I don’t need the physical reminders, thank you very much.
Best lesson of my sassy , classy grandmother – Never leave it in writing, my dear. Your heart is your own, let them wonder on the mystery of you…..
I, am ..! Really confused!!..you, were.so Brave to tell your Srory!..Many commented!!..All Positive, in my opinion!!..however,..all comments erased!!.. To add”More to your Story!”..I love it all!..I, hope!..you, Ashley, read, our Heartfelt!!..comments..before proceeding onwards..with no where to respond!..We!..are your Fans!!..We..are your friends..even though never meeting You!!..I, am just asking..do you read ..”you Fanmail!”..I, am! Concerned!..you took a Hugh Leap!..Foward..to “Shed Light..on past Demons!” I, as well as Thousands..of “Followers”..waiting for June 27, 2013! Ashley, you are a Great Teacher, Artist, Spouse, Mother, Daughter, Sister, Friend!..Always!
Ashley, it IS okay to teach Sienna by experience. You shouldn’t feel you need to hide your past from her. You are one of her role models, but you are not the only person who is going to influence her behaviour in the future. She will need to learn what sort of person she would like to be and seek those values in those around her. xoxo
Perfectly said!!
In, honor..of my Mother…passed 2 years..at this Hour! Mom, how remiss you!xo
Said, in Life..not remiss you..we MISS YOU!
I haven’t burned my diaries but would hate to read them. I have moments of shame at the oddest times. Sometimes I wake up frightened and remind myself I have three beautiful children and though I never felt loved enough, I am loved. One of the hangovers for me is that I struggle to accept people who have not suffered (that I know of obviously), smug ‘normal people’. who I always perceive as judging me. We make our own Hell.
From one flawed human to another, bless you, Ashley.
Wow ! What a great example of second chances. If someone as well adjusted and serene as you my dear can have such a checkered past (no judgement), well there is hope for everyone. I am in awe right now. I would have never thought. I can’t really relate to the alcohol because I just can’t tolerate it. In my youth, I have been very saddened by that fact, that I could not partake in all the “fun” with my friends and I was ALWAYS the designated driver. Now, I am kind of glad. I was always scared of authorities, official or not, which has prevented me from doing a lot of things. Oh well, we are how we are and who we are. I think we all must embrace everything we lived through and find the strength it gave us. What does not kill you makes you stronger. That is what I tell my students all the time. Your forgiveness is extraordinary and such a great example for us all. Thank you so much for sharing this part of your life, heck, everything you share with your readers. You are an incredible inspiration (I think I’ve said that on EVERY comment I posted on your blog :). And by the way, kudos to your father. I don’t think my father would have been so understanding… Yours obviously did something right for you to turn out such a compassionate and selfless human being. A little slip along the way is no biggie !
Thanks for sharing your story. Good questions about how do you get there and guide your daughter….it is not easy. As the youngest of six, I learned a lot from my siblings. I learned what I did not want to do. There was plenty of drinking going on….and alcoholism in the widespread family….but I never wanted to lose control. That has stayed with me…maybe I’m just a control freak. But guiding my 4 teens through these years – it is hard. I’ve thought a lot about the past and the present. I believe the teen years are about letting kids go out and experience life and deal with the consequences of their decisions. However, I’m about keeping them alive, too. I don’t advocate underage drinking or host drinking. I don’t think that’s responsible. Yet there are parents out there allowing it. When your kids are sleeping over somewhere….they are probably sneaking alcohol. Now that we have pushed out 3.2 beer…..they are pouring vodka in their gatorade or water bottles. My kids know my rules. It doesn’t mean they didn’t break them. The Steubenville case was horrifying to watch and read about. It’s tough. I have a daughter who would fit the nerd status. She loves books, high achiever, etc. She also has the challenges of anxiety and that has been a journey itself – like peeling the layers of an onion – there is always a new challenge to be discovered. One of the only things I am confident about in my parenting is the family dinners and discussions we have around the table. I think some of the best lessons are learned there. Thanks for sharing your dark corner. I have pondered the question of how to parent our kids – how to raise a confident child, how to raise a successful student, etc. but I don’t think there are easy answers.
WOW. You are back. I was wondering if we were ever going to see you again. I loved your candid heart felt Cancer Chronicles because it was heartfelt and human. I love when you share the DIY but it feels like fillers to the real version of your voice. I’m glad you are back.
Can’t wait to read more.
I think you’ve really hit on something here, Ashley. You are so brave to open yourself up like this and I look forward to reading more! I think life is about ‘balance’. I was a “good girl” who never drank—but I too have many regrets. I kept myself from experiencing life because I had zero confidence. I burned journals (or at least threw them out–poor memory) because I was embarrassed to read them years later. My regret is that I didn’t see myself as worthy of friendships, that I didn’t spend more time on school work, that I let others define me. I guess over drinking is another way to keep your true self from growing. I appreciate you sharing all this with us. I assumed you were always an A student with your life right on track. You are even more amazing to me now!
You basically described my life from the time I was 13-14 until I got pregnant with my daughter at 16. I had her 19 days before my 17th birthday. And unfortunately a few years after I had her were rocky too and I hate admitting that but it is what it is. Everyone has a past. Some better than others. I try to share my story as much as possible (without every single detail) to my children and anyone who asks. I did a LOT of dumb things. I could have probably killed others or died at some points in my life. Thanks for sharing your story. You can help your daughter (and others) by being completely honest with her. Giving her some space, but not too much. I always try to remind myself that my kids will mess up. I will be there to help them BUT I cannot make their choices for them and I can’t stop them from growing up and living life.
I think I love you even more right now … honesty has that affect on me!
Isn’t is awesome and amazing when we let God use our past to help others!?! This took guts to be so open and vulnerable. God will surely bless you for your obedience.
I’ve never destroyed a diary in book form… but I did destroy some paintings I did at Uni which were like my diary at the time. I suddenly felt they were too personal and “open” and I’ve never been very good at being open. Shutting down and bottling all my feelings up is my default reaction to the bad feelings. Fire wasn’t involved, just a lot of hacking at the canvas and ripping it all up to go in the bin.
Thank you for sharing.
I have a diary to destroy and it’s probably a good thing since I didn’t have a typical childhood. It wasn’t until I was an older teenager that I was able to accept the things I had gone through were not my fault. It was only then that I could move forward and grow. Glad to see you’ve grown.
I’m so glad you posted this! It really resonated with me. You’ve actually encouraged me to start journaling and I really find it to be therapeutic. Anyways…I can really relate to this article. My teens weren’t filled with drinking, I waited until my freshman year of college to really let loose. I drank WAY too much and was asked to leave school. I came home and went to community college where I continued to drink. I made so many poor choices…putting school on the back burner, driving when I shouldn’t have been, lying to my parents. About one or two years into the stint, I had my first panic attack. It really changed me. I continued to drink in the hopes that it would go away. I had moments where I really thought my drinking was normal for a 18-22 year old. Then I had moments that I really thought I had a problem. Luckily, I sought out therapy and still drink in moderation…I still have those nights with friends where I might overindulge. My panic attacks and anxiety have almost completely diminished with exercise, therapy, journaling and living a healthier lifestyle. I look back at my early twenties and still cringe at the thought of some of the things I did. You aren’t alone! …and it’s great to know that I’m not either. Thank you for sharing! 🙂
Love your honesty Ashley (and actually truth be told I have a total girl/artsy crush on you!). I was and still am a nerd although I longed not to be. Now as a 40 year old married mother of three, of course I love that I’m nerdy. My question is this. How do I keep my DD (and DSes) nerds? WHat would have helped you?
I have some very dark journals from before I got married. I still have them, but they’re hidden in a box in the back of the closet. I can’t bare the thought of anyone else ever reading them, but at the same time, my great grandma destroyed my grandma’s last diary from right before she died of cancer when my mom was 14 because she thought it was too depressing. Obviously, I never got the chance to meet my grandma and it would’ve been nice to get to know her a little bit better by having the final chapter of her life on paper. All the rest of her diaries were saved, from middle school to several months before she died, and I’m reading through them now.
Its always darkest before the dawn…
Keep on being awesome, you inspire me!
Your story just makes us love you more. Before reading this newest post, I knew you were talented, artistic, ooh so generous, caring, principled, tough and many other adjectives. Now with this part of your story you have added more to your “human” part…still sharing by telling us the rough parts, still teaching by showing that we can overcome some of our problems and it may take years.
Thank you Ashley. I can’t tell you how much you inspire this Grandma in all you do.
Wow! I had no idea, but we all of our own kind of dark past I suppose. I destroyed all my journals from my childhood and teen years when I was 19. I wish I hadn’t. It would be so interesting to read back through them now.
That took crazy courage to post. I think this world is screaming for crazy courage. All of us have vulnerabilities, insecurities, and anxieties that make us feel inadequate. The more we are honest with ourselves and others…the easier it is to keep on keeping on in this home away from home. Regarding writing inspiration, I’ve always found that ideas tend to find me when I perseverate less on the writing itself and focus more on living and loving. The best insights hit me upside the head when I’m looking the other direction.
I love you girl. You are perfect just as you are. God has a path for all of us to take and some seem to turn out more “dark” than others. But He will always use your path to help others of you allow it….and you have. Stand up tall and remember that. I never drank, well, really ever…but I’ve done a lot of other horrible things that I wish I haven’t done…but He turns beauty to ashes. Always. Big hugs. Thanks for all you do!
Ashley,
I can’t even begin to tell you how this post relates to me!
Even though we have never met I think I love you even more xo Keep being awesome! God Bless 😉
I kid you not Ashley this is me to a T but I just used different things to cope. It puts a smile on my face to see you “publishing” it because I have done some blog post as well like this before but never pushed the post button…let me know if it helps then maybe I will actually post those don’t want anyone to know about me stages in my life…
Wow! I never would have guessed you had a “dark side”. That’s why your light shines so brightly now! (((hugs)))
I started a diary in 7th grade to deal with my father’s alcoholism. I have never stopped writing and now with two kids on the autism spectrum, it is one of my saving graces. Thank you so much for your vulnerability. Knowing your past, and knowing where you are now, so inspiring, such an example of God’s grace and love.
Thank you for this post. I have followed your blog since before you got cancer. You and your family were on my prayer list a lot. I have MS. I have a deep faith and sometimes that is the only thing that gets me upright. I have burned a journal, stopped keeping one and written one in a kind of code. I have some ugly dark memories that I would never want to hurt anyone. That said, God knows my heart. I struggle with depression made worse by my MS. What I keep coming back to is God’s love for me. I love to create and I love to share how to create with other women. For me, when I am in a good place I can see the abundance in my life and the blessings God has given me. I want to help other women find joy and faith. Those dark corners that my mind wanders off to, leave me feeling stuck and joyless. This post has been a little reminder (more of a snowball in the head really) that I can move out of that dark corner. I have 2 beautiful daughters that have become amazing women. My son is the surprise of my life and he is becoming the kind of man his father is. Smart, very funny and incredibly kind. I helped shape these people and because of or in spite of me, the world is a better place because they are here. My world is better today because of you. Your dark corner reminded me to get out of mine. Sometimes we don’t recognize that we are enough. Today, and this minute is enough. We live in the present moment when we create and I believe that is exactly what shows us God. Thank you for reminding me of all of that. God’s Peace Ashley.
this post was wonderful. i so relate. i have not burned anything but i sure don’t really want to read it and relive it. we had a god box at a meeting and used to burn the contents every year at the annual conference. that was AWESOME! a visual let go let god! thanks for your website and posts. as for your funk…this too shall pass! 🙂
I destroyed all my journals from middle school and high school. They were full of repetitive, depressed, self-loathing thoughts. I didn’t need them in my life any more, and I was terrified that my parents would find them and be hurt by them. I’ve had anxiety all my life but I started having panic attacks a little over a year ago. I have a hard time forgiving myself for being incapacitated by my panic. I tell myself that it is like having athsma, and sometimes there will be a big flare up.
First off, I want to say that I am thankful that the past is in the past! Amen sister, you know what I mean. Remember this, you are who you are today because of those past experiences and you are a logical thinking adult now, not an impulsive, narcissistic teenager. I am so thankful that we don’t stay there in life!
I myself have done many stupid things, the ones I wish I could change sometimes are the things I had said. I had foot in the mouth syndrome, I never learned the social graces that most people have been taught.
If I drank,, I was the life of the party, I was giggling under the table at 3/4 of a beer or when I had had 2beers, I was talking backwards and laughing at my own jokes, in my own mind. So I looked like a crazy happy drunk who said incredibly stupid things!
Needless to say, that experiment only went on 3 times. I have Irish, American Indian in me and decided long ago that I can t handle the fire water and its not too pretty to be sloshed and the whole hangover thing was really ugly. My grandfather was a drunk and my dad was terrified that I would go down that path. I kind of steered clear of the whole alcohol thing, I couldn’t handle it.
I love your blog, I am humbled by your honesty, and I think you are pretty awesomely talented. I am an artist and I learn some cool things from you and get inspiration from your creativity.
One thing I see shining through is your love of God and your family. That in itself is Da Bomb! HA!
Keep on keeping on and don’t look back and let that diminish who you’ve become. I think, from what I’ve seen and what you’ve written, that you’re a terrific mom and wife.
I am an optimist and a realist, its just, I have seen enough of the ugly side of life that I try really hard to not look back too closely. Doing so makes you doubt yourself and the decisions we make sometimes. I don’t need help here and I don’t want to hold on to things that make me sad or miserable.
Life throws enough curve balls at my head, I definitely don’t want my past reminding me of the ugly stuff, I just keep on moving forward.
I have a great husband (never thought I’d be married), and kids (never wanted any!). I never finished college, I work hard at my job, and am thankful for the people I meet and make my life better. I try to do things that help, make my world and those that I love and cherish a better place. It’s all I can do if only this one moment. It may not matter to most, but it matters to me.
God Bless and thank you for who you are what you bring.
Thanks for sharing Ashley! I forwarded this to my youngest (19, art major, takes after her Mama a bit too much…) As the unofficial chug team president of my college sorority 30 years ago, I think you and I could have quite a bit to talk about if we lived in the same state. I’m pretty sure God has, and will continue to use your past stories to help women; young girls to 50-something’s…
So proud of you for opening up and writing from your heart again. I’ve missed that Ashely that I fell in love with over here at LBB. I SO wish that we lived closer, I would love to squeeze your neck and hang out with a fellow introvert who can sometimes pose as a happy extrovert. {although I really am happy too}
God is so so good– and so beautifully gracious.
Hugs from Indiana!
Inspiring. I believe that everybody is broken – the details are different, but we’re all broken. It’s our job and our journey to experience it and sort it out and heal. Much love to you.
Ashley, some years ago my confirmation bible made it back to my hands after 40 years. I remember that day as it was Easter Sunday and I was in the 5th grade. Noone told me what to wear so I was fully dressed in my Easter Dress. The Christian Church did the full emersion dunk. I wore my little underwear under my gown so when I went to dress afterwards my undies were wet under my dress. I think I may have wanted out of there so bad I left it. Someone called my mom and dad many years later and it made it back to my hands. I got a journal from a storage auction and I began to read it, it was written by a young lady that was in a mental institution and had diagrams , doodles and may tales of thoughts of suicide. I don’t know how many times I have wanted to through it away. The most private thoughts but I just get chills when I try to rid of it. I wonder about her, is she still living.. does she have a mother, is anyone caring for her. It sits on a stack of books in my basement. I too, had a most embarrassing high school, college, 1st marriage. Many immature movements. I did not make any good decisions until I was about 40 years old. I don’t know why I did what I did.. I appreciate this honest blog. Love Tisha
I could write a novel on this topic and on a response. But I think I can say quite simply – This is the life I am emerging from. I’m slowly coming out of the dark corners. Discovering art journaling was my start. Now I make my best attempts to Choose Joy. After being a workaholic mother, I am finally bonding with my seven year old. After a terrible (and I mean TERRIBLE) pregnancy, I feel so close to my four week old son. Thank you. Thank you for being you. All of you.
I destroyed a diary not too long ago… I found one from 10 years ago thinking I’d be taken on a trip down memory lane and smile at my youthful memories. Instead, I found an insecure young woman who was desperate for… something. Happiness? Security? I’m not 100% sure, but as I turned the pages, I felt myself smiling less and cringing at the memories of how I had been feeling. Who I was shaped me to be who I am, but who I am doesn’t need to be reminded of desperately trying to be happy as a young woman trying to make it on my own. I burned the dairy, page-by-page and I thanked my lucky stars for the choices I have made to bring me to the place I am today. Thank you for sharing your story!
I can’t post my name on this one. I’ve never ruined a diary, that I know of, but I don’t remember a lot from back then.
In college my doctors were finally able to diagnose me with clinical depression. They have figured I have been depressed since 1st grade. I went through the majority of elem. without friends. I started devouring books in 8th grade when my parents separated. I was always known as the good girl, the nerd, tattle-tale, etc. In high school I finally found some friends. They were all on the honor roll, smarter than me. But in our small school because they were good looking they were all invited to the parties, and I was by default. I drank, I had a high tolerance, so I never seemed quite as drunk, or I faked it when I was staying sober-ish. But I still don’t remember much because of the depression. I was self-destructive, I’d say things just to make people mad at me, I was a horrible child (my mom brought home a date once and I asked him if my outfit screamed “f@$% me”). I hated myself and I wanted everyone else to hate me. I smoked pot. In college I was roofied but got away and walked home (3 apt. buildings down) before passing out under a chair. I was raped while being passed out from too much beer and pot. I dated a guy who wasn’t good for me, brainwashing me, molesting me, and blackmailing me. Finally I got help. I got on antidepressants. And I’m forever going to be on them. I’ve tried getting off of them, but it just won’t happen, it’s something I’ve come to terms with.
So, I was a nerd. I got excellent grades, did well in college. But that doesn’t mean my youth was any better. I hate looking back on it. I can’t remember most of it. And I have yet to forgive myself. All of my writings (creative writing major, so I have tons of it) from then is stored away, not being looked at because I’m scared. I won’t look at pictures from then either. I’m still a nerd. I still love to read. But I can’t seem to write anymore.
I just thought I’d share that with you, Ashley. That way you know being a nerd may not have changed anything. It may have made it worse.
I love your honest writing,
we all have a story.
That someone like you who is admired and inspires so many people has a story like so many others with dark patches. We are not worthless in our dark patches though and we can become something. It’s a vunerable place though. #end ramble
Barnicles
I wish we could be real-life-friends. And Im not a weirdo.
Ive read your blog for a vurrrrrry long time and Ive always felt like I connected with you…
today, now, more than ever I feel that connection.
I could write for days and days about why I feel this connection…
but I wont.
Ha 🙂
Just saying, I think youre rad.
Thank you for hitting publish. Your daughter will appreciate you more for being a real person that has lived and learned…at least that is what I’m hoping for in my daughter :).
I still have all of my personal journals from my teens through early adulthood and into my thirties…I often wonder what will happen to them. I wouldn’t want anyone to read them. It’s all so personal and private, a way of working through the complications of growing up.
PS I have that same crumbling teeth nightmare on a recurring basis. Hate it. Must have to do with anxiety. You are the only other person I’ve encountered who has that dream. For some reason, I find it reassuring that someone else has it.