With the recent fire nearby my friends were packing up belonging from their ranch in case the wind direction changed and I began to think about what I would take if I had to leave in a hurry. I’d probably grab my photo albums first….and my journals…..Boo’s blankie. But then the thought crossed my mind: wouldn’t it be nice to have nothing to haul around? There so much clutter, and baggage and things that I think I can’t part with. It makes me feel so heavy sometimes.
Every year….on about the same day (mid year in July)…Mr. LBB and I go to dinner to hold a “STATE OF THE FAMILY” meeting. It’s our chance to discuss how we are living….what could we be doing better….what changes we should make. And we daydream about selling all our possessions and traveling the world, or disconnecting from it all for a while and living out of an airstream, spending a year in a different country etc. And we reduce our lives to the very bare minimum of essentials…..and it makes things seem amazingly simple. We really don’t need much to be happy.
You know what my kid wants? Me. She doesn’t care what my job is or how many friends I have. She doesn’t care what clothes I wear or what part of town we live in. One of Boo’s favorite things that we do is to lay in her bed at night and I tell her random memories from when I was a child. I tell her about dinner time. I tell her about my friends in school. I tell her about my dad letting me roller skate in his photography warehouse. I tell her about the crafts I made out of paper clips and index cards. I tell her about the time my mom caught a baby duck. I tell her about the time I was mean to a girl named Melanie and I still regret it to this day. I tell her about the Challenger exploding. I tell her about when I got 3rd place in the science fair. I tell her how my grandmother took in foster kids. I tell her how I always had the worst school photos but that they are so funny to look at how. And she hangs onto every. single. word.
*****
I’ll never forget when Boo was about 2 years old and we had just moved into our newly renovated house. We had just installed brand new carpet in all of the rooms. I put bleach in the top of the toilet in her room and left her for about 3 minutes to play. In that three minutes, she managed to flush the toilet…..so that all the bleach was transferred from the tank to the bowl. She found a cup and emptied the bowl one cup at a time onto her brand new carpet leaving a huge orange pool. When I discovered what she’d done I went ballistic…I angrily snatched the cup, screamed for about 5 minutes straight about how she’d ruined the carpet. And she just smiled at me the whole time with adoration and love and gibberish….and it made me so mad that her little innocent mind didn’t comprehend what she had done and I grabbed both of her little hands to yank her close…..probably hard enough to crush her little fingers….and only at that moment did I realize that her sleeves were damp and her little fingers were blistering with bleach. And she just continued to smile at me with pure love and I burst into tears and pulled her close as I ran her into the tub to tend to her. I kissed her little face and smelled closely to make sure she hadn’t tried to drink any of the bleach….and I realized how much worse it could have been. And I’ve never thought twice about that carpet since that one moment. It reminds me that the carpet can be replaced, my precious child cannot.
This video would have been taken about the same time….I watch it and tear up at her spirit. I can learn so much from my child….that wonder, and curiosity….and the naivety about the past and future. Her gasp and excitement at the phone ringing…..I find myself groaning when the phone rings most times. I rarely answer it….I like to be unreachable for most of the day.
Watching that video makes me a little sad…..I always thought for sure that we would have another sibling or siblings for Boo by this time. She asked for a sister last night.
Boo: I know Mommy can have a baby. She has eggs.
Mr. LBB: But she’s missing the house for the eggs.
Boo: Why’d they take her house?
Mr. LBB: So she could stay alive and stay with us.
Boo: Well then I’m glad they took her house.I’m guessing “house” is Mr. LBB’s code word for uterus.…..
I keep a running list in my head of small vs big stuff. Infertility falls on that big stuff list for me:
But I also know that God has plans for my family that I don’t completely understand yet. I know that I’ve have been blessed with the gift of Boo. I know that I’ve been blessed with my wonderful husband and a roof over our heads. And I’ve been blessed with life. And I’ve been blessed by all of you….I could never have imagined years ago that anyone besides my closest friends and family would read my little corner of the Internet. And I think what I want you to know today is that my life isn’t perfect. Some days I don’t leave the house. I wear the same thing almost everyday. I’m in an awkward hair stage. My face broke out this morning. I lose my cool. I worry about the mortgage. But I want to send it back to you….you reading this post right now….I want you to know that YOU are amazing. YOU are so talented. YOU are perfect the way you are. I won’t say you are so put together because I don’t think there’s anything so great about that….I’ve started to take pride in not being so put together…it keeps the expectations low when I’m out in public. Keep expectations low and life turns out to be a lot less stressful. And it’s mostly small stuff we worry about right? Until the big stuff comes along. And if we can’t choose joy in the midst of small stuff, how can we ever expect to choose joy with the big stuff?
Oh, and we are just starting to enter into the world of surrogacy to see if that’s the right route for us. Yep that’s when someone else carries your baby for you. We’ve found a doctor that specializes in rare cases like Choriocarcinoma. And only God knows where we’ll go from there. It’s just one day at a time. And don’t worry….I’ll share with you as I know.
****
Last night a friend emailed me to say that she’d attended Rick Warren’s first weekend back at Saddleback since the death of his son…and that I needed to check it out….that Rick talks about his wife Kay showing him her Choose Joy necklace on that terrible day. I opened up the iPad to watch but it was in the live streaming loop and my OCD prevents me from watching a program unless I can start it from 0:00:00….but I saw her wearing my necklace and I was a little overwhelmed. I shut the iPad and waited until after church today to watch it. Then I let Boo watch Kay’s message. You should have seen Boo’s face light up: Choose Joy! Yes. Wow. Thank you Rick and Kay Warren for sharing your story with the world.
Here’s the link to the video. It’s a raw, painful, hopeful, inspiring thing to watch. Rick starts talking about Choose Joy to introduce Kay at 18:57.
And it’s funny how life aligns itself because I was just recently sitting on the pool edge re-reading the last section of Rick Warren’s The Purpose Drive Life. And Boo would ask me to read to her as she swam. And so I found myself translating The Purpose Driven Life into the 6-year-old’s version:
Well….it says here that only you can be you. God designed you so that there would be no one else like you in the entire world. Oh…and listen to why it takes God 100 years to make an oak….
Boo: Oh look at the veins in your legs.
Me: It means they are still working.
Boo: Ohhh….so if you can’t see your veins, you are probably not living?
Me: Yep, the body is wonderfully complex. You get an A+ on this lesson.
When I first finished The Purpose Driven Life earlier this year….I had this big moment….where I realized that I needed to be more vulnerable. I pulled out all those old journals and diaries piled up high in my cabinets and wondered where to start. I know some people don’t like it….a comment last week said that I was unprofessional for writing about sensitive issues. I didn’t know how to really react to that until I looked up the definition of unprofessional:
God loves to use weak people.-Rick Warren
And I’m always learning lessons along the way:
Nothing in my life will ever be exactly as I expected. No timing will ever be just right.
Sometimes the joy in life can be hard to find.
But I can find the good….anything good….and praise it.
I choose joy.
We can have joy even in our troubles because we know that these troubles produce endurance. And endurance produces character, and character produces hope. And this hope will not disappoint us, because God has poured his love to fill our hearts. Romans 5:3-5
Dear God,
I think some of us might have enough endurance now.
But if you don’t think so….then I guess bring it on?
You’re in charge.
Much love,
Ashley
I guess it’s your “unprofessionalism” that keeps me coming back here. I like to read the blogs of people who are real and admit they aren’t perfect because who is? It lets me know there is a real person behind it, not a robot. Keep on sharing your heart.
I.am.bawling. I just lost my inlaws to a horric tragedy but whats worse is my husband lost his parents and my children lost their grandparents. I am an imperfect worrier. I worry about everything big and small, I get lost in the everyday and forget sometimes to find the little moments with my lil friends (kiddos). This whole week has been the second worst week of my life but I NEEDED this blog. I needed the hope to move forward, to be strong for my loved ones….to be better.
“Nothing in my life will ever be exactly as I expected. No timing will ever be just right.
Sometimes the joy in life can be hard to find.
But I can find the good….anything good….and praise it.
I choose joy.”
Thank you because in this I found the good and I am praising you for it.
*horrid (not perfect but had to fix this)
MP I’m so sorry about your in-laws. One thing I do know is that your children will learn from watching you in this experience. They are blessed to have you. Praying for your family.
Love the idea of a “state of the family” meeting! You are inspiring! And I want to be a surrogate mother…just throwing that out there 🙂
Oh no….now my mind is spinning 😉
I’ve followed your blog for years, but rarely (maybe never) comment. But it totally resonated with me when you talked about Boo asking for a sister. We have also struggled with infertility (completely different reasons, completely different experiences, but a slight understanding from a slightly similar struggle). We have 4 year old twins and are in the process of adopting from Uganda. But, like most adoption, there have been surprises along the way (like a slow down that has doubled our wait time). Daily I overhear the kids say thing like “I can’t wait until our brothers or sisters come to live with us,” or “I dreamed about my new brother and sister last night.” I feel like I can handle my emotions and deal with the waiting myself, but hearing them express the desire and struggle with waiting kills me. All that to say, I’m praying for you as you work through the options and discern what God has for your family. And I’m praying especially for you as you talk to Boo and help her walk alongside you through the wait.
LOVE! LOVE! LOVE this post!
I LOVE Unprofessional Ashley! Professional Ashley sometimes makes me feel inadequate, but U.A.? She makes me feel like we are all in this together.
Thanks for the sweet reminders to enjoy all aspects of life. This was a week of potty training around our house and I will admit most of my niceness and patience went out the door as I was cleaning up an accident for the millionth time and I let frustration take over. I needed to hear these reminders. Thank you for sharing!
You are a joy and a blessing, encouragement when I’m not expecting it, a ray of sunshine some days, a laugh on others. You let God use you to reach out to His other children who read your posts. You share what’s on your mind, and by doing so can bring strength and a reminder to trust Him in all things.
It’s so easy to see how God’s love flows through you to others.
Have a wonderful week, Ashley! You are loved.
There will always be people in this world who dislike themselves enough to comment negatively on things that other people believe, or choose to talk about. It’s those people that I like to pray for most, because they are the ones that cannot live a wonderful peaceful life.. they spend too much time being envious of others so they never make the decision to overcome those things and experience life for themselves. Envy and Jealousy are two of the worst emotions I feel a person can have. You, Ashley, are a true blessing to this world. No one should ever post negative comments on your pages. Or anyone else’s, afterall the old adage is true, “if you cannot say something nice, then don’t say anything at all.” Thumper taught us that lesson years ago when Disney released Bambi. Thank you, Thumper. God Bless.
I started reading your blog when I came across it a year or so ago. What drew me to it was the Cancer Chronicles. At that time, my mother had been battling ovarian stage IV cancer and was in her fourth year.
Sadly, this past Christmas, my mother lost her 5 year battle. Over that time though, from when I first started reading, I became engaged in the other facets of your life. You have made me laugh, you have made me cry, you have made me think and you have made me reflect on my own life. Sometimes your posts are raw and you show a side of yourself that many people, people like me, would never have the guts to admit about themselves. I respect you for that. I like that you are real about yourself and not all fluff and show. I believe that many people can identify with you and help themselves feel better about certain situations of their lives. I know you have with me,
I think by far, this post has been my favorite. I love the ‘choose joy”, because that is what my mother did. She knew in her heart that her time on this earth was short, but she told us all, my brother, sister, father and I , when she was first diagnosed with cancer, that we are to continue to live, be happy, enjoy each other and not sit around and dwell on the fact that she has cancer. She chose joy. She lived joy. In that five years, she got to see my brother get married, my sister get married, the birth of her great granddaughter, my granddaughter, we went on vacations together and last summer we all went on a family cruise. Even on her death bed, she said to me ( I am the eldest child) “Make sure you have Christmas morning brunch for everyone, I have everything laid out at home and written down for you to follow’. She passed 5 days before Christmas. I am so glad she chose joy as even up to the end, we were able laugh, cry and be together as a whole family one last time.
The small stuff vs the big stuff – it is all in how you make it… even some of the big stuff can be a bit easier if you don’t let it consume you. Like you said, Nothing in my life will ever be as expected and the timing will not be right….I believe it is all in how you handle the situation. My dad said to a friend after my mom was told she had cancer ” I must play the cards I was dealt” . He did and he took such great care of my mother and was with her and devoted to her until the end. He is now devoted to us kids and tries to fill in where mom used to be in our lives. Sometimes it is funny how hard he tries and says…what would mom do…
sorry I ambushed your comment section, but I just wanted you to know how you touch the lives of others with your candidness and honesty. You are a professional on life experience as we all are and I thank you for sharing yours.
Just love your writing!
I’m 62 years old and I am so “taken” by your post. It seems like it’s been too long in coming, but I have finally started having many of the same ideas on life as you just spoke of. I don’t know why I finally just had the strength to let some things go, but I sure feel so much better having done so.
I love these raw, honest posts that expose your true heart. It’s so refreshing to see such honesty in the bloggy world!
I, too, am struggling with infertility. I don’t even have one baby yet, and some days it breaks my heart so much that it just takes the breath right out of my chest. But, I know that God has a plan for me (Jeremiah 29:11) that includes hope and a future. We are currently looking into adoption. I am excited for the future!
Lovely post. I needed a reminder of the small vs big things today.
Shannon
Thanks so much for your post – I really needed to hear what you had to say today. I have been going through a rough patch, and while I am said about your struggles, it is nice to know that I am not alone. I read your blog and you always seem so on top of things that I feel like a failure. It is nice to know that we are all in this together. Thanks!
I will always be amazed by you because you can make me laugh and cry at the same time.
I so needed to read this today. I’ve really been letting the small stuff get to me. Small, petty stuff. It was nice to read I’m amazing and talented and perfect when I’m feeling exactly the opposite. Thank you for that.
I don’t often comment on things but, I read your blog regularly. This post spoke to me. It reached out and touched my soul. This week marks the anniversary of my fiance being killed in Afghanistan. I have been struggling just knowing that it was coming up and now that it is here I feel myself falling apart. I have been thinking a lot the past few weeks about what is important in life and what really matters. I have come to realize that it’s not the stuff that matters. When I sat and thought about what I would trade for just one more moment with Brad before he died I realized that I would give it all. Nothing matters in this life but the people you share it with and the love that you share with them. The rest is just details. Brad used to always say that life was too short to be unhappy and from the first time I read your post about choosing joy I realized that is where it is at. No matter what situation you find yourself in you have the ability to choose joy because it could always be worse. I was reminded of that as I read this post today that as much as my heart is breaking right now I can choose to be happy and to be grateful that I had the opportunity to have him in my life for the time that I did.
You have been an inspiration to me this past year. Thank you for being so open and honest and raw. Thank you for sharing your life with all of it’s struggles and victories. It is an inspiration to so many people.
Thank you Amanda. This brought tears to my eyes. The week before my dad passed away he called and asked if I could pull together a few gifts that he could give to the Korean girls that would be caddying for him in the tournament he was playing in. I told him I was so busy and it was too last minute for me to come up with anything. My dad’s friend told me how proud my dad was giving them some items my sister had made….and he even pulled up my sister’s website and mine walking them through all of it. I think back to that and I’m so ashamed that I didn’t go out of my way to make something for him. It wasn’t the “stuff” that was important….it was letting him have something he could share because he was proud of his daughters. I’ve never shared that before….but I think about it all the time….that whatever I was doing at that moment couldn’t have been more important than doing something for my dad because I don’t even remember why I was busy. I know it’s hindsight….but it helps me remember to be present every day. Thank you for sharing your story. God bless your fiance’s sacrifice and yours. Much love to you.
I can’t tell you how much I needed this post. I am in a place right now where I am questioning my parenting abilities. Your words really touched me, and for that, I thank you.
My miracle baby was born this past September after 8 years of secondary infertility and 5 miscarriages. After a rocky high-risk pregnancy and a delivery at 35 weeks, we were so thrilled to get a take-home baby with no NICU time. I started sobbing as they wheeled me out with her in my arms. It felt like a fairy tale ending to a really difficult chapter in our lives. She started having reflux when she was 2 weeks old. It progressively got worse and worse despite medication. When she was about 6 weeks old, I suddenly woke up in the middle of the night, panicked that I needed to check on her. She was blue and not breathing. I recussitated her. From that point forward the reflux was so bad that we had to hold her upright at all times. She had surgery when she was three months old to fix it. It is a pretty involved procedure and she wound up in the PICU after. There was another family there with an almost identical story. Only they didn’t find their baby in time, and when they did they didn’t know CPR. They were discussing organ donation. I went and threw up. We have a second chance with our baby. I am savoring every second of it both for me and for the other child’s mother. Choose joy has been my mantra these past two years. It’s been something to hang onto. We are seriously swamped with medical bills, but a choose joy necklace is at the top of my “wants” list when we have some discretionary income.
BTW, I never planned to have my kiddos 8 years apart. I wanted at least 4 kids and I wanted them close together. I have to say, having a tween and a toddler is pretty awesome. My big kid is a tremendous help (like having an on-call mothers helper!) and the baby adores her.
Thank you so much for this post. Like many others I was laughing and crying. I have been following you since you were diagnosed with Chorio Carcinoma (my daughter told me about you as I had that cancer when I was 21). We were blessed with our daughter, a miracle child. She was born after a miscarriage and in between a molar pregnancy and the Chorio. She will be 50 next month. We have three beautiful granddaughters.
Our daughter wanted a brother or sister so badly and I used to get so depressed about not being able to have another child. We looked into adopting, but we were really struggling with finances after all the medical bills and could never qualify. I am from a family of 12 children (the oldest girl) and had always wanted a big family. My sister told me in later years that she would have been happy to carry a child for me if it had been possible in those days.
Wishing you the best and know you will continue to choose joy no matter what happens. I wear your bracelet, never take it off!
xoxo
Beautifully written! It Blessed my heart. Thank you.
As always, you hit the nail on the head, Ashley. Thank you for your honesty. Thank you for sharing and helping us all to grow together.
Good luck to you and God bless you and your family as you explore new options in fertility!
I stumbled across your blog several months ago….and never miss it!! It amuses me that someone would say you are unprofessional on your own blog!! I hope you stay unprofessional!!
I love that you share your “realness” with us. I love that you express your faith in God, political thoughts, opinions, hopes, dreams, shortcomings, regrets, and successes…..things most adults fail at doing. You make me laugh and cry….many times in the same post!! I always feel like you are sitting right here at my kitchen table, talking with me. You inspire me…..because you show you are human…just like all of us.
I’m up in the Bay Area and worried about your family during the recent fires. I would check my email frequently to make sure you were posting and okay!!
Please never stop blogging…..and don’t change a thing!!! You are in my prayers.
Thanks needed this today!
Love ya!
thanks for that message…..was awesome like everything that you write….it’s so great to know that you are “human” like the rest of us 🙂
i wear my choose joy necklace daily……..if i need a quick reminder i just have to glance down quickly and there it is……if no one else chooses joy i just know that i do and plan to continue down that path
Oh Ashley,
I’m so thankful for your post, for the bleach story, for the joy in choosing joy, for the rawness that comes across my computer screen every time I read your posts through email. I didn’t know Jesus until I was in college, and I was always trying to be perfect, always trying to be the expert, but I couldn’t be. When He found me I realized I was so ridiculously imperfect, but then I read through the Bible and I realized every single person God used was not an expert… heck most were true screw ups like me, like us. I love that knowing that the broken and untrained show God’s glory best. Your words today were pretty much evidence that He uses us in our brokenness to help others if we are willing to be truthful about it and willing to show it to others and to be true to who he made us.
By the way… you invented the glue stick in mold method – thus even if you are not an expert you are definitely a creative genius!
As an adult I realize what pride resides in your progeny — be it 1 or 10. How that swims over time and is reborn with grandchildren and so forth. My deepest regret was never giving my grandparents the love and adoration they deserved in the final days of their lives. The disregard I had for their suffering and what it would have meant to be by their side. But in reading your blog, I have tried for weeks to find joy, choose joy and be joyous. It can be so hard. It can almost be daunting. To always find the light, peace and beauty in small and large instances. I am trying. Maybe it’s time to order a bracelet or necklace and keep that by me all day.
Ashley, Thank You and may God bless you and keep you.
You always seem to write posts when I need them most. When I need to be reminded of something the most. I often get upset at my son for small stuff (spilling because he’s not paying attention, etc.) and it’s just so not worth it.
Thank you.
Also, I agree with others. You’re “unprofessionalism” is why I continue to read your blog.
You have once again spoken to the depths of my heart that ache from the struggles you speak of above. You have reminded me in the midst of this restless morning to embrace the BIG things with open and accepting arms and to let the small things be just that, “small”. Thank You for always being so Honest and “Unprofessional”. You truly are an inspiration that helps me remember to Choose Joy.
Thank You for sharing your heart and your life.
I have had the many of the journey’s you speak of, at times one becomes learns by trial and error or fire as some may put it. Thank you for sharing your stories with us, I have the bracelets too that I ordered to give to people that I come across that I think need to Choose Joy! Many Blessings
I needed to read this post today. Thank you for sharing your thoughts and for the scripture reference.
OH, how I love the “bleach” story!!! Now when I see that rug, I will know the whole story
and love you even more for telling us the rug doesn’t matter, but Boo does!!!
The Lord has given you an awesome gift to pull us back to reality, humility and to love each other deeply! I praise the Lord your words of life. He has touched your heart! My love forever, mom
I skim through so many blog posts in a day. But sometimes I come across a post and have to stop and read EVERY WORD. This is one of those posts.
Thanks for sharing this with us today. God bless you and your family.
I needed to read this today. My daughter is 2.5 years old, and she´s been home because her daycare woman is sick. Some things have gotten broken, laundry unfolded, furniture colored, but in the Grand scheme of things None of it matters. Thank you for helping me to put it in perspective. Your Timing was perfect 🙂
I’m going through a hard time right now and your words and experiences couldn’t have been more purposeful for me. Thank you for this posts. It’s one I’ll be re-reading.
Thank you Cousin Ashley…love this post. The passage that you included really spoke to me:
We can have joy even in our troubles because we know that these troubles produce endurance. And endurance produces character, and character produces hope. And this hope will not disappoint us, because God has poured his love to fill our hearts. Romans 5:3-5
Thank you for being perfectly imperfect professionally unprofessional!
Love you,
Cousin Vicki
Whenever I feel like my life is too much or that I can’t make anything right (clinically depressed neurotic here) I stop by your little slice of the net for inspiration. Anyone who believes that you are “unprofessional” for writing about sensitive issues in a blog is about as educated as a gnat considering the whole purpose of blogging is for people to open up forums for subjects that they feel like discussing. It gives a person the ability to get their word out to the universe without being subject to an organizations’ restrictions. If you want to spout vitriol and curse words and tell everyone they are a pile of dirt you have every right to do so whether it is “professional” or not. A blog isn’t a job, it is a passion that some people pay their bills with.
Everyone who has told you how wonderful and talented and “put-together” you are is correct. I doubt you are all of those things all of the time, but you have such profound moments of it that they overshadow your less-than-put-together moments. This post especially has come to my attention at a time when my hubby and I are fighting over a lot of the “small stuff” since moving into our first home. Neither of us wants to fight, but we are both bothered by the small stuff beyond reason. I think I am going to print and display your lists in the house to keep us on the level with what is really important.
Oh, and by the way…I am the least put-together person on the planet, went to work (government ) on Remembrance day and accidentally left work 1 hour early on another day because I believed the fax machine’s time after daylight savings and it took me 45 minutes before I noticed my error. I end up with lots of amusing (read embarrassing) anecdotes for conversation, but in the end you want to be a put-together person with the ability to let loose (which i think you are) as opposed to being un-put-together.