I went on my first real date when I was 15 years old. I had such a crush on this boy. I’d met him on a church ski trip. I remember there was this really pretty dark haired girl on the trip too….and I could tell this boy liked her. As we all put on our ski gear at the slopes she pulled out a 70’s brown snow jacket with matching pants. (which you can buy on eBay now as cool vintage for $64.99). Amazingly you could hear an audible gasp from group as she put it on. I guess it wasn’t trendy:
And at precisely that moment….as I put on my brand new aqua and purple ski jacket….I became interesting to this boy. We were both great skiers so we broke off from the rest of the group and tore the whole mountain apart. At the end of the trip he asked for my phone number. And I gave it to him…fully aware that he hadn’t picked me for my amazing personality….but because of my ski jacket.
Soon after that, the boy called me and asked if I wanted to go out on a date. He came over, met my parents, we went to dinner, walked around the shopping center where the restaurant was. Then we got in his jeep to go home. He didn’t head home though…he drove his jeep to a secluded cul-de-sac. He leaned over and kissed me and then he jumped in the back seat. I remember feeling nauseous and wondering where this was going to go. I’d only kissed a few boys up until that point….mostly playing truth or dare at the beach with friends. I climbed in the back seat with him and we made out some more. Things started to go too far and I asked him to take me home. I made up some elaborate excuse about having to wake up early to go visit my horse. He seemed annoyed….but he did take me home. He drove up to the house but didn’t get out. He just dropped me off….and he never called me again. And instead of feeling great that I’d gotten myself out of that car with my virginity intact…I felt embarrassed…and ashamed…and awkward. And that was the first little chip…chip… chip… away at me being the good girl.
Fast forward 2 years and a friend who happened to be a boy would say to me:
I’m just telling you this because we are friends…but all of our guy friends know that if it’s late, and you are drinking….they can probably make out with you.
And I’d laugh at him and tell him I wasn’t going to make out with him, but deep down it made me shrink inside of myself a little more. And then I’d drink myself into oblivion and tell everyone to f@#$ off.
I think that’s the same night my BFF made out with another friend’s boyfriend…and that friend confronted my BFF and I piped up and said “well he’s not that great of a boyfriend because I’ve hooked up with him too.” And I thought her broken heart was blown way out of proportion because, well, I really didn’t feel much of anything at that moment. And my response was probably something like “oh cry me an f@#$% river” because that’s what I remember saying to another friend in college. And by that time there had been so much chip… chip… chipping away….there was barely any of me left.*
*I know I’ve overused the word “and” in this post….but it seemed appropriate because it’s all a run on blur.
The alcohol didn’t just enter my life overnight. The first time I drank I didn’t feel so gangly and awkward and tall. The next time I was a little more outgoing and talkative and brave. A dozen times after that I was the life of the party: Oh my god, you were so hilarious last night. Or you are so fun when you drink.
And then it turns into a vicious cycle because I had to drink more because the fear would creep in:
What if people don’t like the real me?
I wanted to be liked….and popular…which I thought meant I had to hide things and keep secrets and say things I didn’t mean. Drinking was like a putty to those little chips…filling in those empty voids. But eventually there’s nothing left to chip away at and you need a whole lot of putty….because you’ve left pieces of yourself all over the place.
*******
But all of this is strangely aligned because the night my guy friend told me I was the “go-to-gal-for-hooking-up-with-our-friends” I happened to be in the exact same place where I’d skied with that boy and the brown-70’s-snow-suit-girl 2 years earlier. And later that night my BFF and I ended up driving off the side of the mountain in my Landcruiser. Luckily we only ended up a few feet over the edge but the wheels spun wildly digging the car deeper into the snow as I tried to get up back onto the road. We were drunk, without winter coats, and only about a gallon of gas in the tank.
We tried repeatedly to dig out the tires and then crawl back into the car close to hypothermia. The snow melted on our clothes with the car heat and then we were soaked. We’d take turns getting out to dig out the tailpipe so we wouldn’t die of carbon monoxide poisoning but we knew the gas wouldn’t last much longer and we’d probably freeze to death. As my fuel warning light came on, I slammed my door for the last time to conserve heat and it wouldn’t close: the car mat had come off of its hooks and was wedged between the door. I reached down to pull it back in and I felt the little half inch spikes on the bottom. Traction. I yelled to my friend to pull all the car mats out and we put them under each wheel. She drove and I pushed the mats underneath the tires. At first the spinning just shot the mats out like one of those baseball pitching machines….but eventually they started to get traction and the Landcruiser made its way inch by inch up towards the road. Of course… at the time…. I gave myself all the credit for that brilliant idea…but now I’m sure it was divine intervention.
And I can blame it all on that 70’s brown ski jacket, right?
So I’d love to know….what was your first “chip”?
My chips did not start till I went to college. I really liked this guy that I worked with, and at times would try to be something I was not. That was the last time I let anything cause a chip. I am just me. No more no less. Just me, and I really like me.
I was 16 and on a school trip. My BFF was going through a very difficult time at home. Her behavior was becoming “odd” according to the the standards of the current mean girl pack. She even said OUT LOUD that she didn’t care if she didn’t have a pair of Britania Jeans!!! OMG! We had been best friends for 8 years. We both had a difficult home life and understood what the other one was going through. On the way back from the trip, she sat in the back of the bus and cried. I looked the other way. I have done some unkind things in my life, but that left a black hole on my heart.
Thank you for sharing this journey. You should be charging for therapy! Your posts have inspired me to do a little house/head cleaning myself. And this time when I shake out the dark corners of my memories, I won’t burn everything I come across. God’s Peace be with you Ashley
Yes please don’t burn everything 🙂 I know I have a few black holes on my heart from things I did. Thanks for sharing Kelly.
The boyfriend that I had a huge, huge crush on and decided my not wanting to be petted or sex was a point against me… I was 18, but wanted more time. Sigh. Huge chunk of my “good girl-ness” came off. I did not drink as a result, or used drugs, but did other things that were self-destructive and still make me sad. It so was not worth it. Thank you for sharing your story with us, Ashley. Thinking of you this week as you deal with “the turtle.”
oh ashley…you are speaking to my soul with these posts. i really dont remember my first chip, i was verbally & physically abused so it started young. i moved to a new state and there a boy took to mooing as i would walk by; this began a lifelong cycle of hating myself. i discovered drinking made me fun & people thought i was hot. thus, i drank my calories, lost weight and became the life of the party.
i have many, many black holes too. i am thankful for my Jesus and His forgiveness…but the evil within me comes spewing out at my 3 young children and i hate myself all over again.
The first chips were from my mother. No one would ever guess – all my friends wished she were their mother – so funny and understanding and fun. But she had a way of cutting me to the bone with her words when it was just the two of us – it would make me physically nauseous – that left big ol’ chips that made me much more vulnerable to more chipping from boys. Silly, stupid, unthinking, teenage boys. How is it they had so much power over us silly, stupid, unthinking teenage girls? Why did we care *so much* what they thought?
I was 17 and this really nice boy liked me. A lot. He wasn’t cool. At all. I didn’t want him to like me. I wanted to be better than that. I decided that if I did something really horrible, he’d hate me and all would be better. I slept with a guy I barely new in the stairway of a dorm on a school trip. I hate even thinking about that day. I told the geeky boy and sure enough, he hated me. Unfortunately, at this point I didn’t hate him. Eventually though, he didn’t hate me so much and I didn’t hate myself so much. I just embraced that I really liked this geeky kid and he like me. We’ve been married for 13 years and have two kids.
Jessie…I love your love story. It’s precious because of the way it turned out. Thanks for sharing.
I think I was always chipped. Recently I read my primary school reports. I always thought no-one liked me. Too tall, ‘funny’ accent (from my Scots) parents, far too clever. When I read the first recovery post you wrote I went: alcohol -tick, eating disorder- tick, different- tick, anxiety- tick, even nearly died and emergency surgery- tick. Lots of differences too, of course.
People found me more ‘relaxed’ when I drank. Then I would spend the next couple of days remembering my lost evening and dying of shame., and the next time I saw those people, apologising.
I’ve battled with various self-destructive tendencies for much of my adult life. I was never actually abused by family but I felt I was invisible. Later I worked for years with ‘broken’ people- and I appreciated their honesty. I ONLY RELATE TO THE CHIPPED…
Wow… Sure makes you think! Where to start. Like someone else said…I’ve always felt chipped. Going on 54 years of feeling chipped (could there really be anything left to chip away at?). I think I have always tried to be someone that someone else will like… I’ve never felt like anyone really liked or cared about me (ewww hate that sound of a pity party). Actually… I’m not even sure I know who the REAL me is or what I’m like because I’ve always tried to be something I think I’m not. So… How do you figure all that out?
I like to think I stayed on the straight and narrow and true to myself. But it made for a pretty lonley teenage-hood until I was about 18 and became more comfortable being me. Felt more comfortable going out and having fun and feeling comfortable to saying no to drinking and drugs. My brother was a heavy drinker from the was 16 so i did not want to do it all.
The question I have, as a parent, is could your parents have done anything differently to curb that behavior? I mean do you think you were given to much freedom? Or wasnt given enough freedom so you acted out. I need to figure this out before my sons become older. lol
I had the exact same question — as a parent, how will you help guide Boo thru these land mines so that she grows up secure and healthy?
Me too!!! I think Ashley’s parents were pretty amazing in a lot of ways, but the chips still happened, and a lot of destructive behavior resulted. Being a parent is not easy!
Wow… I am so honored to be able to read everyone’s stories. Really makes me think!
My first chip was in high school. My family didn’t have a lot of money, and I wore a lot of hand-me-down clothes. I was riding the school bus home wearing my wal-mart jeans and winnie the pooh t-shirt, being loud and trying to be funny so people would ignore my clothes. I made a snarky comment about a boy a few seats up from me who had really terrible B/O. The look on his face when he turned around and saw it was me who commented…oh it makes my heart hurt to this day. I cared so much about what people thought about me, that I was funny and entertaining, but I didn’t care about this poor boy’s needs. Maybe he couldn’t afford deodorant! I worked so hard to be liked in high school and college. When I met my now-husband in 2001, he started to help me see that I was okay as just plain ol’ me. I didn’t have to try to be the life of the party. That felt good and it has helped me to build a healthy self-esteem since then.
Ummmm did we live the same life? Seriously, everything you said up there (except the whole getting stuck in the snow part) I was nodding my head along going mmmmhhhhhhm, preach, I feel you girl….been there.
I truly appreciate you opening up, I always thought of you as an angel 🙂
Oh, so many chips. One I remember vividly was a situation I had gotten myself into where I was at this older guys apartment making out. I barely knew him but he was so cute, older, and I thought way, way cool. So he started doing more than kissing me and I resisted. His comment was “oh, what? Are you just a little girl? It’s okay over the shirt but not under the shirt? You must just be a little tease.” Well, of course I didn’t want to be THAT! I wanted to get out of there so badly but I felt such crazy pressure to be “cool” that I went along with this loser. Chip, chip, chip. Ugh. I still feel nauseous about that night. Sadly this was also who I would lose my virginity to several weeks later in much less than ideal circumstances.
I wonder now if this guy has daughters and if he’s ever thought about the way he treated girls back then. It has definitely impacted the way I raise my sons.
Started in high school for me. There was about 3 years where I found myself drinking too much & getting too much attention from the boys because of it. Never had that steady boyfriend I so desired & the boys thought they could have their way with me & ignore me the next day. I was so painfully shy (still am) & the alcohol gave me the liquid courage I needed to come out of my shell a bit. It wasn’t’ until I started dating my husband & he shared with me what the boys from our school really thought about me . I was embarrassed, ashamed, & heart broken of the reputation I set up for my self. At that moment I decided to be true to myself, show the world the kind, caring, respectable person I knew I was. I am grateful my husband saw beyond the broken mess I was at that time and fell in love with me for who I am. I still regret so much, still feel awkward around the people I grew up with, wondering if they still see me as I was way back then. I’ve been with my husband for 22 years, married for 15, and we have 3 awesome kids. I hope that’s what people see now.Thanks for sharing your stories, for giving us a space share back. Feels good to put some of those feelings out there to free them into a place where we won’t feel judged.
For me it was my mother that started it. She was sick (here kidneys had failed) and she told me it was my fault. That if I hadn’t been born she would be healthy. She told me I was stupid, and worthless. And I believed her. I didn’t drink (I was too young!) but I took to eating junk food, because it made me feel better. Of course that made me fat; which gave other kids an excuse to make fun of me. Chip Chip Chip. what they couldn’t know was that what they said was just a reiteration of what my mom told me everyday. My mom died when I was thirteen and I’m 30 now, but I still struggle with weight issues and it has taken a long time to see that God made me in his image and that to him I have worth. I have a wonderful husband, but sometimes those places that were chipped still hurt.
Thank you for sharing your stories. I hate that we were hurt, but it’s good to know that there are others who have had similar experiences.
I cannot remember the very first chip…I’m convinced it was prior to age 7 years, because I was suddenly chubby and was already sneaking food. One huge chip happened when I was at my aunt’s house and my cousins had a new swing. I wanted to try it out with them, but my aunt told me that I looked like I was too heavy for the recommended weight and if I wanted to go and get on the scale to see, I could and if I passed I could ride it. Ouch. How does someone who is 8 years old handle such an event? Probably eat more, sneak more food…I did. Then my uncles were whispering and cutting up about me and my weight when I was about 10. Ouch. Ouch. Ouch. I retreated inside myself and hid there. Middle school years are very hard to remember. I can’t believe I have blocked them out. However, I do have one major memory of me eating an entire package of peanut butter/chocolate eggs and feeling physically sick and emotionally appalled at myself. I’ve been successful at losing weight at times in my life, and then it comes back. I am now 42 years old and still am struggling every day to not eat my feelings. It’s such a challenge to be addicted to food…something you need to survive. It’s frightening sometimes how food can put me in a better mood and make me forget my troubles. Do I eat to put a barrier between myself and others? The extra weight has made me doubt that I am worthy of being with any that I think is better than me. Therefore, I have always picked relationships with people who I think are not better than me, perhaps selling myself short and finding the true relationships I desire. I know I have settled for less than what I wanted. I have allowed toxic relationships but have learned to live with them. I am chipped away every time I am insulted by those who I allow to insult me, without speaking back or breaking off the relationship. I also chip away at myself again, each time I run the replay through my mind and allow myself to believe such insults. I am a work in progress.
My face burns with shame over many of the memories I have. How I acted, how I treated people, all of it. And that’s not including the things I’ve completely blacked out.
I remind myself that I’m pretty happy with where I am in my life today. The decisions we make form us into who we are. They create a chain of reactions in our lives that create the world that surrounds us as individuals. If I had made better decisions, would I be where I am? Would it be better? Worse? I try not to dwell on the past too much because it hurts. My 20 year high school reunion was last weekend, and there is nothing that could have inspired me to go, because the past needs to stay in the past. But my present? That’s pretty damn fine, and if it took suffering through my past to get here, well, so be it.
Wow…wonderful and thoughtful post..made me think and remember… In high school, my best friend had a lot of family problems. Back then, I did not understand what she was going through. All I understood was that I wanted to be her best friend and was willing to do anything for her friendship. Because of that, I did many things that I regret…..I have always been one of those people who tries to “save” others and it isn’t always a good thing!!
I have always been shy and had low self esteem. Middle school was awful for me. I remember I was dumped by my group of “friends” and they would write me nasty notes. I was also bullied by some of my classmates. I remember this one girl was teasing me and she had just gotten a perm that didn’t turn out at all. All of a sudden I retaliated (which never happened) and said something to the effect of “Well at least my hair isn’t fried.” One of the popular girls walked by as I said this and was laughing at what I said. Even though the girl with the perm was being mean to me I have never forgotten the look on her face when I said that. I felt sick and ashamed that I had lashed out at her. (even though some people may think she deserved it; two wrongs don’t make a right) I have made some big mistakes in my life and I am still ashamed. Thank you Ashley for sharing some of your past with us. You are such an inspiration and role model!
Mine came with college. My parents were EXTREMELY overprotective. I had a 10 pm curfew up till I left for college, even when I visited home.
I went wild. If I was tired and needed to go back to campus I would convince myself to suck it up because when you’re home you can’t do this.
My roommate was a partier and for the first time I felt “included”. So I drank, did drugs and was happy and loved on the outside. But for every person that loved who I was on the outside, I hated myself on the inside. I transferred schools after a year and decided to change myself. After a year of working on me, I met my future husband and changed my ways. Eventually, I changed his ways too. I think God wanted me to go through the journey myself so that when I met my husband I was in a better place, ready to support him through his journey.
It started in high school -but probably before that. I was always shy and awkward. Starting a new High school junior year gave me new start but problems follow you don’t they? Wherever you go there you are… I had my first drink in high school as a junior and WOW! I was so fun, and funny, and relaxed and a part of everything …. So much of your story rings true for me Ashley- thank you for sharing. I finally got my life together but not before I made a ton of mistakes and dangerous choices. It has been 18 years since I quit drinking I thank God everyday that I quit before I did something unforgivable.
oh my gosh! I’m much older, but same chips, same time of life. Even if you dig out the putty the chips still stay. It wasn’t the water… it was the same where I grew up. Even worse? Some of those awful boys (who didn’t even know anything about me) brought it up to my older brother LAST YEAR! I’ve had a very respectful, highly responsible career, and am now a strong Christian. Doesn’t matter, he told me, and chip, chip, chip. I’m with ya, sister.
this posts are so much more interesting than the ones about dresses. sorry. but Brava to you for writing them. I just stopped hating myself about two years ago. i hadnt realized it had stopped. I am now 66. All you commenters, be brave, take risks, then be Proud.
I don’t know when the chips began. I had loving parents but they had their struggles…money, drinking (Dad), job losses, and stress because of those things. Naturally, their stress became mine. I recall many fights, many nights spent with Mom at a friend’s house because of those fights, so many worries that a child just shouldn’t have. I had such low self confidence for most of my life….until fairly recently actually (I am 40). I thank the good Lord I didn’t use alcohol or drugs and I didn’t have enough confidence to even have a boy interested in me so I didn’t fall into promiscuity. I wasn’t bullied or overly teased but I guess just the stress of my parents projected onto me was enough to damage me for a long while. It is the love of Jesus which gave me confidence and purpose. He makes me who I am today and I am so grateful! Because of the role my parents had in all of this, though I don’t blame them because I know they did the best they could with their circumstances, I also wonder what you think your parents could have done differently. I realize this is probably hard to answer because you wouldn’t want to make your mom feel like she failed you. I hope to figure out a better way for our 4 kids! God bless you, Ashley for sharing your emotions and life experiences! I am remembering you in my prayers tonight.
8th grade, a boy in 6th had a crush on me….and the leader of the mean girl group had a crush on him. I he was friends with my 6th grade sister so to me he was a friend. Well……. The mean girl picked on me relentlessly for most of 8th. There was a large group of kids involved she spread a lot rumors about me that were not true…… It sucked but after that I had little tolerance for anyone that was mean. I didn’t talk to many people in my grade after that, only those who mattered. And I defended those who didn’t have a voice, or the courage to stand up for themselves. Around 10th people came around, I think some realized that I wasn’t really someone that could be messed with. I was never violent or rude, but I did/do have a talent to nicely tell the mean people in the world to knock it off or where to shove it :). About 2 years after we graduated the girl who picked on me contacted me and apologized. So I guess my chip is people who cannot be nice, drives me crazy……