In everything I’ve ever done….I’ve always been on the extreme end of it: horses, alcohol, work, Swiss Cake Rolls, iced coffee, writing, art, cleaning, Candy Crush. (I’ve spent money on Candy Crush….don’t share that.) I’ve never been able to function any other way: Excess. Extreme. Lack of sleep. 90 mph.
Why does a box of Swiss Cake Rolls only cost $1.79? How is that possible?
I realized something yesterday… I’ve spent approximately 52.2875% of my life running from God…. and because I do everything to the extreme….. you can guarantee I was running to the nth degree.
First… some trivia:
How many pages of a composition book can you fill up before the ink in a brand new Pilot G-2 pen runs out?
Answer: 57 pages.
How do I know that? Because I wrote FIFTY SEVEN PAGES of notes in my journal yesterday. I can’t feel my right arm. If writing is an exercise….. I think my bicep just got a little bigger. It’s not that I had a stroke of brilliance….. it’s because I sat for the last two days in a leadership conference….glued to every word. The funny thing is I signed up for the conference mostly on a whim because, well, I just like to learn about stuff. I crave observation. I crave information. I’m curious to the extreme.
I win!!! (what?! it wasn’t a competition?!)
And so yep….I sat for 2 days in a summit listening to great leaders. And I don’t even think any description I could give would do it justice….just know that I hung onto every single word. Heck, I wrote every single word….57 pages worth to be exact. Somehow I ended up at the Willow Creek Global Leadership Summit…. me…..a girl in her flip flops….who obsesses over things like typewriters and donuts and Little House on the Prairie. And guess what….one of the speakers was wearing flip flops. It was 14 of the most inspirational, life changing hours I’ve ever sat through. Go check out all the speakers…. and follow each and every one.
****
A friend called me the other day and after some chit chat said: you know….I really called because I wanted to ask you something….how are you so sure there’s a God?
Wait, what?! Why would anyone want to know that from me? I don’t talk about God. I’m not qualified to answer these questions.
And I tried to put something into words but I’m sure it sounded something like the synopsis of Ben Hur mixed in with the movie White Noise sprinkled with some generic “thin place” references and an exorcism. And then I said: maybe because I’ve done everything imaginable to try and leave God in my dust. I’ve told him I don’t care. I’ve told him I don’t have time. I’ve told him good riddance. But…
….he never once left.
And if I try any harder to ignore him I think I might have to be institutionalized.
I really did try to leave God in my dust. God has thick skin though….or maybe he doesn’t have any skin. Invisible skin? Oh whatever….the fact is he’s over stuff before stuff even happens. That’s a great model to follow. God is so darn smart. And think of how much stuff happens in ALL OF TIME.
At a very young age I was immersed in Christianity. Seriously…..24/7. Fast forward to middle school….at that age I decided I wanted nothing to do with God. Nothing really significant happened…. except my brother and sister started going to a private Christian school and I remained at a private secular school. Maybe it was part of some secret experiment to see how different siblings would turn out in different educational environments. Soon after that I began trying to convince my very religious family that God was a myth. The weird thing is…. I didn’t believe that. Maybe it was boredom. Maybe it was some influence at school. I’ve got a ton of theories…..but I think it was just easier to deny him than to have to face him. My mom would talk about God at home and I’d experience what I thought were surely internal seizures triggered by scripture. She’d say God Bless You to perfect strangers and I’d turn beet red, die of embarrassment, and walk 4,000 yards ahead of her.
In high school I announced my conversion to Buddhism. One of my teachers was a Buddhist…..I wanted to be like him. Teacher is cool….I want to be cool….ergo I will become a Buddhist. Then, in college I went even further…. I would drink myself into oblivion and wake up next to people I’d never seen before. I vowed: I will be the LAST girl at every party….surely then God will leave me alone! And I took classes on reincarnation and Eastern religions and watched the movie Little Buddha 432 times. God: I’m here.
What the heck?! Why is he still here? What does he want from me? So then I’d go to church….in the same clothes I was wearing the night before….sometimes still drunk…..and only because my dad gave me 20 bucks if I mailed the bulletin home. I’d sit in the upper balcony with earphones on and listen to Wu-Tang. See God…I’m. so. not. interested. God: I know. Still here though.
Ugh…… and I’d do ridiculously faux intellectual things like destroying a Bible in the name of art. Oh yes, I literally sawed a Bible into strips and painstakingly wove the pieces together into a fabric…. and then I made that fabric into a intricate backpack. It took hours and hours and hours. My professor looked a little disturbed….but only for a second…because you can do anything if you label it ART. Jackpot. I filled the backpack with stones, carried it into class and declared kind of like I pictured Moses doing with the Ten Commandments: THIS IS MY BURDEN. I got an A. God: Wow good effort. And you even thought about me a little while cutting up my book.
And I could go on like this for 100 pages but I’ll cut to the chase….I didn’t think I fit the “Christian” mold. Growing up I had this picture of what a Christian was supposed to look like.….and honestly I didn’t want to look like that. I’m unapologetically messy. I live in extremes. I run from politics. I don’t bond with people over gossip and judgment. I like telling people about all the crappy stuff I’ve done. I don’t like ceremonies, rituals and doing stuff just because “that’s the way it’s always been done.” And if you tell me “well that’s just the way it’s always been done” I’ll roll my eyes, throw a silent tantrum, and mutter under my breath:
Well that’s not the way I do it.
I’m the self-proclaimed-queen-of-going-rogue.
PSA: THERE IS NO “CHRISTIAN” MOLD. AND IF SOMEONE TELLS YOU OTHERWISE I DOUBT YOU WANT TO FIT INTO THAT ANYWAY. THAT’S LIKE MOLDY-CHEESE MOLD. FUNGUS.
*****
Here’s the deal: There is one day….in everyone’s life….that will be a halfway point…..the day on which you have less days left to live than you have lived already. And I wonder…..have I passed it already?! I came pretty close to the end a few times. And my dad died at 65. He lived a full life in those 65 years…some part of me thinks that God told him what his halfway point was. And I’ve already lived past his halfway point….that puts things into perspective….and I realized that I don’t want to spend any minute of any day doing things that don’t really matter to God. I want to experience, and learn, and grow, and teach, and inspire other people somehow. I want to make other people feel welcome because I never really did. I want to tell people that have been discouraged in the past: you just haven’t found the right place yet…..keep looking…..or better yet, if you can summon some courage, reach out to those people who aren’t doing their church any favors. Those people could probably use your help and just haven’t found the courage themselves.
Oh, and God didn’t sneak up on me…..he was always there….I just stopped resisting at some point. And I started listening. And yes sometimes I still try not to listen. He points me in one direction and I take the first detour. But then it’s like he moves the earth so I’m back on that road he had me on in the first place…..because God can move the earth you know. He’s so awesome like that. And I argue a little, second guess him, and just want to take the easy way out but then he sweetens the deal with this feeling of right. And I think things that feel right matter.
Oh, and you can’t argue with awesome.
*****
So I just wanted to tell you today:
I am a Christian committed to Christ.
I want to do things that matter to God.
I’ll share more about what I learned later.
I have zero time to read blogs right now, but read every word of this post. You are beautiful. Thank you for sharing your heart… you are such a blessing!
Thank you for reading Suzy!
Wow! Powerful post.
God is good! Thank you for this post…I always appreciate your honesty and thoughts.
I love that saying that god is always with you, when there is only one set of footsteps it isBecause he is carrying you, I don’t know why but this has always comforted me in times of distress. I must say I am guilty of running too, but in times of my or others need he is always the first I turn too. Thank you for such a beautiful, insightful and hones post. Love the bible bag story, still LOL, I think I actually gasped aloud when I read it 😉
I loved this post and appreciate your honesty! I have heard great things about the leadership conference…would love to go sometime. I too am a Christian and so incredibly thankful for God’s patience with me!:)
Ashley,
I am amazed at how much of yourself you pour into your blog. You are very brave. I think there are many people out there just like you described. They run from God instead of turning to Him. Yet He is always there for us. The Bible says that God will draw close to those who draw close to Him (James 4:8). Have you ever READ His word? It tells us exactly what matters to God. 🙂 And it explains what he wants from us and what he wants for us.
Have a wonderful evening!
That was such an amazing post I had to comment!
Well said!
Ashley,
You are an amazing inspiration…thank you so much for sharing your inner most thoughts with us.
God is using you to draw others closer to him – what an awesome thing!
If only more people could relate to the fact that christians are “normal’ human being who mess up, make mistakes – live ungodly lives- but for the “GRACE” (GODS RICHES AT CHRISTS EXPENSE) of GOD go I.
Love your work
May GOD continue to richly bless you and your family
Daina 🙂
Profound. Thank you for sharing. I believe I was meant to read your post exactly at the same time that Mass was happening this morning and once again just did not go. ‘there he is’
When did you become such a narcissist? I used to love your blog for the crafty stuff, now I have to avoid all the diatribes in between. Zzzzzzz!
Thank you Jane. No one has ever called me that before and I know it was meant as kind of a dig….but I think it’s affirmation that I’m in a really good place. At the conference Brene Brown said: Love isn’t something we give or get, it’s something we cultivate, and it’s only cultivated when there is self love present. So I would just challenge you today to love yourself first…..and then use that to cultivate it in others.
Ugh. And have I mentioned I’m super passive aggressive?! As I was just in the shower getting ready for church I regretted writing that to you. Sorry. What I really meant to say was that I’ll never be able to please everyone. Some people ask for more “making stuff” and others ask for more “life stuff”…..I just have to do what’s on my heart on that particular day and hope that it’s from a good place. Thanks for commenting Jane.
I’m not sure you understand what narcissism is, Jane. The post is about living for others. I love the personal blogs of Ashley’s but I can understand if some wanted more ‘make it’ blogs. But I have never posted a rude comment on a dress pattern blog. As my mother in law always said, “Be nice, be nice.”
Love,
Christie
Jane, get your head out of your ass. Anyone WITHOUT a healthy dose of narcissism (which is part of the human condition, just FYI) would not be writing a public blog based on the assumption that someone cares to read it. Seek life elsewhere if all you want is crafts.
Ashley,
I don’t think I’ve ever commented before, although I love your blog and am a loyal reader. I admire your honesty and I admire your willingness to share your story. If we were all born perfect people and stayed that way, what would be the point of a savior. You’re a very interesting person.
You’re right. He is there always, no matter how hard you trigger to ignore him, he never ever gives up. He’s amazing like that. And even when you are a believer can sometimes drift away (and question him) when things get tough. Lord knows I have! But I also know he is there holding me up and letting me know no matter how much I think I drift away from him he is always there with me, lifting me up…just like beautiful poem Footprints.
Politics and religion are intensely personal subjects. Sharing these beautiful thoughts is amazing and special and brave. Thank you … Amen!
THANK YOU!!!
Wish I was there. I’ll check it out for next year. I have seen Brene Brown on TED.
She is great. Thanks, I’m always looking for great resources.
My heart is so full after reading this! From reading your words, there was a book I was reminded of and I’m 99% solid you would LOVE…”Cold Tangerines” by Shauna Niequist. You GOTTA check it out. Thanks for sharing your heart!
I love Shauna! I love that book. I actually just lent it out to one of my pastors!
Yes.
I was at the Leadership Summit too! (also wearing flip flops 🙂 and my Choose Joy necklace!) Wish I would have run into you among the thousands! That was my first time as well, but my husband has attended before and he wanted me to experience it. I totally agree with you about the Summit, any description I would give it could not do it justice either. My head and heart are full of so much good information. I just hope I actually put some of it to use and don’t just stuff it away like I am really good at. Ashley, I love reading your blog. You are an inspiration to me with your art and with your honesty. Thanks for always sharing. I could see you someday standing on a stage like Willow Creek telling your life story. Just a thought 🙂 I know I would come to listen!
I’ve heard great things about that conference 🙂 I am an extremes kind of girl too, and He knows it, sometimes I think he does something more extreme in my life because He knows what it takes. Thank you for always being real and putting real out there along with your heart. Beautiful. I tried to be Buddhist and Jewish and for similar reasons. I have always wanted to test and try and still I always come home to Him and he always accepts, forgives, etc. That is the Jesus I want my boys to know. I want him to know who he hung out with, the people he tried to move and change and love, his entourage. There I find peace.
Thank you for taking a stand! I can’t wait to share this post with my 21 and 19 year old college girls. God is indeed using you to speak to others. Be encouraged! Zephaniah 3:17
My favorite line is “I want to make other people feel welcome because I never really did.” Awesome life rule. I believe if everyone lived by The Golden Rule (do unto others…) we would only need that one rule. Thank you for being so thought provoking by sharing yourself with us.
And then there are the “suddenlies” when you think you have the whole rest of your life to let God “catch” you… but you die….. Yesterday afternoon I meet a sweet girl (in her 40s) and her husband … Last night they were in a wreck, she died. No more chances. Thankfully, she was already living for The Lord.
LOVE this ashley! it goes hand in hand with what i heard in church today: god is always with you. in your marriage, in every relationship, at every doctor’s appointment. and just a little {little house on the prarie note} melissa gilbert just moved to a sweet little town in michigan named {howell}. it’s an hour from my house. foll
{haha} oops. follow her on instagram {notsohalfpint} she shows pictures of her closet and pantry! and her cat’s name is JACK!
Don’t ever stop being you!! Your posts seem to reach in and grab my soul.
Wow! AWESOME post 🙂
This post so touched my heart. I lost both of my parents this year-89 yrs old and 86 yrs old. I am 60. The exact thought of “how much of my life have I lived, or how much life do I still have?” has been front and center on my mind. My fear is not of death (because I know Jesus Christ as my Savior), I’m afraid I haven’t done enough with my life, been kind enough, been compassionate enough, given enough, sacrificed enough, listened enough, loved enough. Your blog has inspired me even more in these areas. Thank you for charging my batteries and my heart.
Cindy
Thank you for this post. I sat in church this morning feeling like a total Christian failure because I have so many ideas and no follow through with getting closer to Him. I prayed that my intentions would finally become actions. And I want to do more everyday that matters to God.
I think God cares about everything we do. You are DeLovely.
Lovelovelove,
Deb
My hubs went to the conference this week, and can’t stop talking about how good it was. He has gone before, but this year really was amazing. Thanks for your open soul in this post…so good for me to hear.
Beautiful, beautiful post. I love that God never stops pursuing us. Thank you for again sharing your honest heart.
Hi Ashley! I just want to tell you that reading your posts always gives me courage. You are my most very favorite blogger. My other is Pioneer Woman! (I loved seeing a picture of the two of you together the other day!) Thanks for being you and just always being YOU!!
I loved this post. God, as you wrote him, is always there like an indulgent, patient parent waiting for us to get through our angst and acknowledge him walking by our side. That’s how I see Him. I have always had a strong faith but confused faith with religion so I had times where I questioned His existence. Being raised Catholic, I had all the guilt but none of the glory! I searched for another religion but found nothing that felt comfortable. I came to the realization that religion is man-made and not God-made (my opinion!). Now that felt comfortable! My church is outdoors running with “Pastor Miles”. I run with Team in Training which is the fund raising arm of the Leukemia and Lymphoma Society. I run for those who can’t. I raise money in the hopes that a CURE will be found for not only blood cancers but ALL cancers. And, at 55, I am past my midway point but I don’t worry too much about that as long as I am giving back. Thank you for sharing and being honest.
I looked up the Summit and found one right down the street from me and it was Thursday and Friday of this past week. Oh well, maybe next year. I couldn’t have taken off anyway. I’m so glad you quit running and God never gave up (Of course, He wouldn’t, but He also knew you had so much to give). Did you ever wonder why you’ve gone through so much and why you have so many followers. Everything happens for a reason.
Bummed I missed out on the conference this year. Went the past 2 years and always left with wheels still spinning in my brain! Love this post so much, because I can relate to so much of your testimony. Thankful for a God who has always been there, no matter how hard we try to pretend He’s not…and a God so full of mercy and grace who doesn’t stop tugging at our heart strings to notice Him and His goodness and outstretched arms! Been loving your blog…just found you a couple weeks ago when Casey Weigand shared your funny American Blogger recap!! 🙂
I’ve said it before – you always seem to write things I need to read. Like, right at this minute need to read. It’s a little weird but thank you. This post really resonated with me. All of it.
Another wonderful, heart filled, inspiring blog! Kudos to you for being so kind to the negativity that some people feel is ok to spread. Downright rude comments and you meet them with love and kind words—wow…very Christ-like of you!
Thank you for sharing. And I love Brene Brown. Found her online by accident about a year ago and kind of forgot about her wonderful talks until you reminded me….going to check her out again.
I’m reading, A Confident Heart right now….very good book about trusting God and not doubting ourselves. So much of this post spoke to me because of what I’ve been reading. Thank you again. God bless you!
love,
Christie
Amazing. Thank you for sharing such a deep, personal part of yourself. I ran from God, too, until just a few years ago. I still find myself sprinting in the wrong direction sometimes, but God is always there waiting for me to realize what’s important. Thanks for sharing. <3
I too ran from God. Today, I am so thankful for my growing relationship with Jesus. I am so full of gratitude that He never gave up on me…. even when I was running as hard and as fast as I could Far away from Him.
Keep Shining Ashley; loving others…. after all God IS Love! 😀
Oh… Andy Stanley- has a podcast/video and let me say this…. it’s FANTASTIC! (http://yourmove.is/ )
There is, in fact, a perfect mold of what a Christian is supposed to be like: Christ (the Word).
I’ve been reading your blog for a few years now. I like all the ‘make stuff’ posts but I love where you’ve been going with the blog lately. Forget the haters. It’s resonating with us. Like a stone dropped in a pool the ripples go far beyond…..
agreed! 🙂
i swear ashley…its like you see & know my heart. although stated far more eloquently than anything i would put out there. 😉 i ♥ you! i never felt i was “enough” for anyone, especially Him; this feeling is something i fight daily with. through it all, i know that He loves me in spite of my MANY imperfections.
Yes, thank you for your transparency. It’s refreshing, and it’s real. Your past is a lot like mine. And now He has me in a place where it’s a lot harder to run, actually on staff at my church! No one in my past would have ever imagined me as a church lady! Yet, not only did He know that he WOULD save me, but WHEN He would do it – after so much wildness/running. And so He uses it now (for me, for others, and to reveal His awesomeness), and He’s doing that with you, too. Good stuff.
Wow. Just wow. I read and re-read this post and couldn’t agree with you more. Thank you for your transparency. I am so with you: We are ALL messy and living transparently, sharing our lives with people, is what matters. What He is doing matters. We love because He loved us first. He didn’t give up on us and still doesn’t. Love your heart in this post. Need to share it with a few other “messy” friends of mine. Thank you!!
Thank You for being so open and honest, we are all perfectly imperect in God’s Eye, Way and Plan. We have to learn how to embrace all that is there for us if we just let go and let him guide us. Many Blessings
Great post Ash and thank you for your honesty! The Christian walk is not an easy one and it’s full of imperfections, but the more we lean on Christ, the stronger we become in our faith in Him. The biggest lesson for me in the last 2 years is how God was the least of my priorities, but as I have made Him my focus, my life has transformed dramatically. And what I have finally understood is that not matter what I do, God still loves me unconditionally! I’m His child!
God bless you sister in Christ!
If you had to pick only one book written by one of the authors from the summit who would you choose? If you happen to pick Brene Brown could you give your number 2 choice also? I can get her book from the library, although there are about 60 requests ahead of me. I’d love your opinion. Thanks!