I think I am a pretty forgiving person. Bob Goff says that he quits something every Thursday. If forgiving were quitting, then I quit something every single day. I think it’s because somewhere along the way I learned that:
When I am not focused on forgiveness, I am not-so-pleasant-to-be-around.
Without the ability to forgive, I steep in anger and resentment until it starts to steep onto everyone I know. It’s toxic. Toxic sucks. I like to clear the air and move on. And sometimes the person that I’m forgiving doesn’t even know I’m forgiving them. They don’t need to know. Sometimes forgiveness just happens by showing up the next day.
Sometimes people don’t forgive because they think they can hold it over you, hoping you’ll just wither away in their un-forgiveness. It must be rampant because there’s a whole song about it:
Never be. Never see.
Never free. Never me.
-Metallica
Yikes. That’s when I forgive them for not forgiving. I think that’s possible right? And sometimes I’m in that exact opposite position and then just when I’m like: Yay I’m winning! Take that you big meanie! …..I start to feel out of control and this little voice says: why would I want someone to wither away in MY un-forgiveness?
Oh, and what about when I’m mad at someone and they don’t even know it! Not only am I mad at what they did, but I find myself angry that they don’t even realize I am mad. How dare they be so clueless to my anger!? That whole scenario is just ridiculousness.
And sometimes it’s easy to get sucked in. I find myself listening to gossip and entertaining drama when I should walk away. I have this one friend who is so level headed it’s crazy. She’ll let me vent for a few minutes and then she’ll usually say something like “Ok, you’ve said it. Now let’s move forward.” And I’m like “Are you a robot?” But, I know she’s right.
I’ve broken it down logically so that I’ll remember what it feels like not to forgive….plotting all the likely scenarios I might come across for the next 50 years few days:
I just happened to turn on my car radio this morning to hear someone saying (I think it was the Dave Ramsey Show): in times like these, all you can do is feed your own mind and spirit. So true. Even in the worst of times, when I was focusing on feeding my soul, everything negative seemed to melt away. Need good, wholesome, positive input Johnny 5.
And I think prayer is needed: Father, forgive ME, for I know not what I do.
Ugh, while writing this I somehow consumed 43 of those mini oatmeal raisin cookies from Trader Joe’s. I didn’t even know I was doing it. See?
I needed this so much. Thank you.
I’ve been reading your blog almost daily for years and I don’t think I’ve ever commented, but this post was SO unbelievably well-timed for me because of a similar situation. I’ve been feeling sorry for myself all day, and wow, feeling sorry for oneself is incredibly exhausting. I’m ready to be done, forgive, and stop caring so much. Thank you for choosing to write this today.
Lovely thoughts, Ashley. Thank you for sharing! As a close friend of mine says,
“Problems are just opportunities for growth in disguise!”
Sounds like you are growing 🙂 Keep on.
Was that a Short Circuit reference at the end??? =D Thanks for the reminder that I need to focus more on getting my own heart in the right place than worrying about where others’ hearts are!
Great post and what a good reminder for me! I am always uplifted by your posts. Thank you!
Ashley, may our Father bless you and your family at every turn. Lady, you are a blessing to us. Thank you so much for this post and the Quiet Gift of Grace.
Many hugs to one who makes it very clear that we all face these things, these issues, these people. Thanks for being a light to show us the way to something better and brighter when we wander off His path for us.
Just before checking your site for any new posts, I finally wrote a long needed forgiveness letter to someone who was once an incredibly close friend of mine and felt a tremendous amount of relief. Thanks to the universe for randomly synching up my sentiment with yours, and thank you to you always for your writings.
I received a terrible hate letter from my sister years ago. It was supposedly anonymous but so many of the details in it no one but her knew so the anonymity was redundant. It was full of the worst things anyone could have ever said to me. It accused me of being a hypochondriac (I was diagnosed with MS and septic arthritis in 2004 but it took years to figure it out) and ended with “everyone in the world hates your guts”. It was really terrible, I’ll spare you the rest of the contents. I seethed over it for two long years. Every time I thought about it, it made me upset. Stress brings on illness for me so it was not good for me at all to hold that anger. Finally, one day, I decided enough was enough and I forgave her for it. I felt like a ton of bricks was lifted off of me. She still holds her anger and resentment for me (it’s been evident the very few times I’ve been around her) but I am now free. And the letter proved to us that what we had been suspecting about her mentally was true, and that all we could do was forgive and understand that she is sick and treats others in the same way. It was so FREEING to forgive her. I completely understand what you are saying in this post. Thanks for sharing!
I love this post, Ash. Yes, if we do not forgive, we are poisoning ourselves.
As the Lord says, If we confess or tell the Lord we are sorry for our sins, He is faithful and just to forgive us and cleanse us from all wrong. !John 1:9
You are a great blessing! mom
thank you for this!!!!! really, thanks!!! and you are totally right!!! its my own heart that needs fixing, not all the stress, trouble, or negative people around me. but me. and how i deal with it all. lord knows i’ve been grace-less this weekend. but shouldn’t a terrible case of pms give me some kind of leway??? lol
Lovely thoughts. In my life I’ve tried to adopt the attitude of ‘choosing not to be offended’. It’s seemed to help with both little and big things. Taken from this talk that really changed the way I look at things.
http://www.lds.org/general-conference/2006/10/and-nothing-shall-offend-them?lang=eng
“Choose Not to Be Offended
When we believe or say we have been offended, we usually mean we feel insulted, mistreated, snubbed, or disrespected. And certainly clumsy, embarrassing, unprincipled, and mean-spirited things do occur in our interactions with other people that would allow us to take offense. However, it ultimately is impossible for another person to offend you or to offend me. Indeed, believing that another person offended us is fundamentally false. To be offended is a choice we make; it is not a condition inflicted or imposed upon us by someone or something else…
Through the strengthening power of the Atonement of Jesus Christ, you and I can be blessed to avoid and triumph over offense. “Great peace have they which love thy law: and nothing shall offend them” (Psalm 119:165).”
Scrolling through unopened email and checking them off to delete … But I stopped to read this one. God knew.
You are an inspired one.
Thank you.
Change me, Bless them. 😉