As I write this Boo is having the time of her life over at the neighbor’s house. She was there last night as well, although I kept having anxiety that my kid was overstaying her welcome. I could envision the neighbors getting ready for bed and her standing there not ready to go home quite yet.
I walked over to check on her last night and getting ready to ring the door I saw Boo through the window. I stood there for a moment and watched her as she shared a seat with my neighbor’s daughter. The other kids cheered her on as she played a game and she just had a look of pure joy on her face. I imagined this is what it would be like to have a large family, what it would be like for Boo to have siblings.
Tonight one of the older girls walked over and asked if Boo would like to come and hang out with their family again. Boo was so excited she ran straight out the door without even saying goodbye.
Our family has so much more love to give to another child. I’m praying for wisdom and direction. God knows what he’s doing. There is a reason I am on this path.
*****
Last night I was writing about surgery two years ago, going through some medical records. It’s like being a fly on the wall in the operating room:
The patient was already on the operating table at the Heart and Surgical hospital. We were asked to help with uncontrollable bleeding. The patient was already getting transfusion with blood products as well as packed red blood cells. The multiple packs were then also place back into the abdominal cavity. The abdominal incision was then extended to the supraumbilical area…..
I Googled supraumbilical area. That means above my belly button. When I had a c-section with Boo I made sure the incision was low enough to not interfere with a tiny bikini….and then in this report the surgeons were just slicing me wide open, creating a huge upside down cross. The whole bikini thing seems so silly now.
Mr. LBB: Do you ever think about that you almost died?
Me: Sometimes.
Mr. LBB: What would have been your last memory?
Me: Asking for a rubberband for my hair. The weathered, kind face of the anesthesiologist and telling him “see you on the other side”….
See you on the other side could have been post-surgery or maybe heaven….but now I think it’s that I can never go back to where I was before that surgery and cancer and death.
Boo and I stayed home today and watched movie after movie, one of which was Awakenings.
Boo: I’m crying.
Me: I know, so am I.
I paused the TV to write this down in my journal:
“We’ve got to tell everybody. We’ve got to remind them how good it is…..People have forgotten what life is all about. They’ve forgotten what it’s like to be alive. They need to be reminded about what they have and what they can lose. What I feel is the joy of life. What I feel is the gift of life. What I feel is the freedom of life. What I feel is the Wonderment of Life.”
I watched the Black Friday madness from afar today. I couldn’t think of one thing I needed. Give me my family, my church, my books, a pencil and a composition notebook and I can be perfectly content. The more I focus beyond myself, the more joy shows up. Love others. Simple. Sometimes. This is what it is like to be alive.
“The problem of reconciling human suffering with the existence of a God who loves, is only insoluble so long as we attach a trivial meaning to the word “love”, and look on things as if man were the center of them. Man is not the center. God does not exist for the sake of man. Man does not exist for his own sake. “Thou hast created all things, and for thy pleasure they are and were created.” We were made not primarily that we may love God (though we were made for that too) but that God may love us, that we may become objects in which the divine love may rest “well pleased”.”
― C.S. Lewis, The Problem of Pain
P.S. I know I can be exhausting at times. Imagine if you had to live with me…maybe that’s why Boo is now living at the neighbor’s house.
Thank you for this important perspective. <3
Fun and playing board games together isn’t always how things go with siblings. Sometimes siblings hate each other’s guts or want nothing to do with each other– nothing in common, too much of an age difference, life changing in different paths, different personalities, both busy, etc.
I know what it’s like to have siblings, and what it’s like not to have siblings.
Without siblings, you spend time with your parents and gain a unique, more adult perspective on life. You’re closer to your parents as the child, than if you have multiple children. Friends, cousins, relatives, and adult friends also fill the space. It’s the parents and child together playing board games instead. Less drama with parental retirement plans with fewer kids. More individual time with each person.
Actually, being “the” child most of my life I interacted more with adults and am more independent of a person than those who grew up with siblings. I can entertain myself for hours and did as a kid. A different relationships with relatives, adult family friends, parents, etc. than multiple children can have. I automatically try to figure out things for myself instead of asking other people for help. Sometimes it’s a good thing.
What I don’t know is what life’s all about. But I like that quote from the movie.
Loved this post! You always have such a spark and spunk that shows through the deep insight, kindness and love that I always feel when reading your writings. You always know how to bring up emotions and often put “things”, life, etc into great perspective. Thank you for sharing with us! <3
I hear your heart, Ashley. I have been praying about this since you first shared about the emergency hysterectomy back when. I even found myself in the shower once praying for your little eggs! 🙂 (Sorry if that seems super weird!) Anyway, I’m not sure how things and why things happen the way they do, but I am sure that there is purpose in them. God don’t waste! 🙂 Romans 8:28 says He uses ALL things for the GOOD for those who LOVE Him and are called according to His purpose. I have read of the love that is bubbling inside you. It encourages me.
As a mother of five, I know firsthand the smiles, laughter, interactions you observed peering through that window. I am blessed to see it on a daily basis. I would encourage you with this, Psalm 37:4-5, “Delight yourself also in the Lord, And He shall give you the desires of your heart. Commit your way to the Lord, Trust also in Him, And He shall bring it to pass.” Just keep doing what you’re doing. You’re right, He has plans. 🙂
Ashley–I smiled when I read your comment about not wanting Boo overstay her welcome. When my sons were younger, I always reminded them not to overstay their welcome when they went to friends’ homes. Of course, part of that was just me knowing I’d miss them and want them to come home much sooner than they wanted to come home.
You are brilliant and wonderful, not exhausting. I have a question. I am sure it is personal, so you don’t have to answer, but I am very curious about how you moved on from drinking and partying – was there a sudden epiphany, a few years of realizations….? You have such strong morals and beliefs and you are a very strong person and I’m just wondering if you could ever share the process of pulling out of that time. My 17 year old is struggling and I am very concerned about him.
You are not exhausting. I read your posts and think about how I wish I could step back and really look, really appreciate what God has blessed me with. I think about all you have been through and I know God has a wonderful plan for you. I know you touch so many by the things that you write – maybe that is His plan for you (at least for right now)… God Bless You and your family!!
You are such a fabulous Mommy. I pray God blesses you with a bunch of kiddos in a surprising way. I’m glad you have great neighbor friends to love and share your Boo. When my four were growing up, they often hung out at the homes of friends and I too worried they had overstayed their welcome. You and I could so be friends~my mind thinks constantly. I guess I “exhaust” my family too! Wishing you a wonderful Christmas Season. Thanks for the way you bless all of us who read your wise posts.
Oh Ashley. This is just wonderful!
Your insight and your words are your gift and we, “your blog children”, are so blessed to learn from you!
Every time I think about my daughter wanting/needing a sibling, I think of you too. She prays every night “Dear God, please bring us a healthy baby girl”. I know that God’s got an awesome plan for us, and our babies to come. Our girls WILL be big sisters, and when they are, it will be one of the most joyous moments of our lives. Much love…xoxo
Wow. I can barely see to write this comment through my tears. This is the most beautiful post yet and I love all of your posts. I’m sending this to my Bible study ladies and family. I started following you as you were going through chemo and your positive spirit amazed me. I loved reading about The Hemlock Inn too and I really hope to go there in a few years with my daughter and her family who live in Charlotte. And reading about Boo and seeing her sweet heart for others, just like her mama, and her creativity is great to see. I will pray for you as you think about your future and adding to your family! I know God has great plans for you and your family. Have a very blessed Christmas season!
” The more I focus beyond myself, the more joy shows up”
J-Jesus
O-others
Y-yourself last
True JOY only comes from the Lord and focusing on him first.
I love reading your insights.
Love this. My desire is to continue to let joy show up and realizing when it does. Thank you for sharing your journey.