Earlier this year I read an article in O Magazine by Martha Beck. It felt like one of the truest things I’d ever read, so I tore it out and I’ve carried it in my notebook since then so I can remind myself of its message:
The word integrity (from integer) means “wholeness.” Living in integrity means expressing and doing what’s true for you in all situations. Depart from your truth in any way – offer a fake smile, flatter your awful boss, marry for money – and you become two people: the truth knower and the lie actor. That’s duplicity. And duplicity, not social noncompliance, is the real enemy of joy. To start the Integrity Cleanse, first ask yourself, Where am I out of integrity? Where are you not feeling what you feel, knowing what you know, saying what you believe, and doing what feels most right? Once you’ve identified the duplicity, come back into integrity. Speak your truth. Act on it. No matter what.
Sound radical? It is. Plop integrity into an unfair system, and you’ll get back disapproval or attack. People have been imprisoned for living with integrity. People have died for it (sometimes moving society a little closer to equality and liberty in the process). Even if you consequences are relative minor – your parents object when you leave graduate school, your book group mocks your political stance – they’ll still sting. At first you may feel the same old outrage: “I put in virtue and got back punishment!” Stay the course. See What happens. –Martha Beck
This is the stuff that can change everything. If it looks sometimes like I am moving backwards, I probably am, but just by the world’s standards. By my own standards I have never felt so content and whole. I’m doing my work, in my own way. I refuse to be labeled and categorized. I reserve the right to change my mind. It’s hard for some to understand, sometimes even my husband. I overheard him telling my sister recently: if it goes against any little part of her self she just won’t do it. She turns down opportunities left and right, even when the money would be nice. The reason I turn down opportunities? It would mean choosing something that didn’t feel true to me. He gets it when I explain it that way.
Instead of long term yearly resolutions I now have daily and weekly resets:
Is this what I want to be doing with my time?
Is this decision moving me towards or away from my writing and creative goals?
What is the purpose behind my desire to do this?
Am I doing this for the right reason? Am I seeking joy or recognition?
Will this decision hurt those around me?
Basically: Is this a good choice?
And sometimes the answers to these questions don’t always immediately result how I want them too, and sometimes the results are painful at first, but as Martha Beck so eloquently put it:
“…paradoxically, each choice also increased a flow of happiness that seemed to arise for no reason except that I’d stopped blocking it. I was amazing to feel peace trickling through sorrow and disappointment, gradually dyeing everything some shade of happy. When people experience this – despite outward losses – they begin blooming like flowers, from misery to surrender to thoughtfulness to inner peace. Alignment in, joy out.”
It’s not always easy to choose joy, because alignment has to come first. And alignment has to be daily and weekly because yearly is too long a time period, especially when I can so easily get off track in just a few hours. Most importantly: alignment is individual. My alignment won’t work for you and your alignment won’t work for me. Maybe that’s how we get so confused!
My friend, author Mary Anne Radmacher, posted this quote today and I loved the idea of implementing bold intentions, daily, weekly, and all the time:
It’s true. Why wait three more days? Throw out the yearly resolutions and create new opportunities to begin hourly, daily, weekly.
Stay the course. See What happens.
Just an hour ago I was in a crying heap on my floor, wondering if I need to give in on something and then crying harder because that would mean going against myself. The whole thing is making my heart ache. And then this article appeared. It was as if it was put in my way so I *had* to read it right when I did. Thank you for posting this.
It’s so hard when pulled in opposite directions, but so many times I feel like we know what the right answer is…we just don’t like what that looks like in the near future. I hope it all works out soon Shana.
I agree. I admire you for your total lifestyle change. Once I was headed in that direction, but a war, change in location, & health turned it around. I still own that home. I long for that time of small income & a tiny town. I understand the feeling of not taking a job because it doesn’t feel right. Happy New Year & to making no resolutions. I do agree with the making a change at anytime during the year. I have done it.
So the “Alignment in. Joy out.” bit caught me off guard b/c I just associate you with “Choose joy.” Do you read it as she’s saying if you are staying true to yourself and who you really are, then you will be at peace/content/”aligned” even when you aren’t exactly experiencing happiness or joy? Is that how you read that?
Aleisha–I read it to say something akin to “you get out when you put in”. If you are acting with integrity and your actions are in line with your beliefs, your outcome will be joy.
Yes what Michele said 🙂 I read it that if you keep yourself aligned with your own personal truth the result will inevitably be joy.
Your post has me crying at 4:50am. The pure authenticity is blaring! Thank you, thank you, thank you! I read your testimony before coming to this blog. How I even saw your page was a picture of you on Pinterest (you looked intriguing ?)…and my interest was piqued so I opened your page. One of the first places I go to on someone’s page is their bio. Even though for the most part, not everything can fully be expressed, there’s still something I can find that will determine my connection with the author. I connect and cried with yours. God’s presence is so intricately woven into the story of your life and I am thankful He lead me to it. I too print and/or cut out written pieces and quotes I find life-changing or interesting. This blog is one of them. ?. Thank you so much for being your authentic self and welcoming us into your world. May God continue to bless you!
Last year at Christmastime I knew I had to make a change. My intake of sugar was completely out of control as we got closer to the New Year. I. Loved. Candy. I knew I was in real trouble when I was grocery shopping and saw a box of Nerds, those little colorful candies you shake out into your hand to eat. My problem was that after spotting the “Holiday Ice” variety, I tore open the end of the box and upended it into my mouth while making Cookie Monster noises. All this in the middle of a crowded holiday supermarket. I learned a long time ago that it was pointless for me to make New Year’s resolutions because I never kept them. But I had a feeling in my gut that if I didn’t do something soon about my sugar consumption I would be looking at serious health problems in the near future. That episode in the grocery store convinced me that I needed to take control, but where to start? I didn’t want to get overwhelmed by eliminating all sugar. That would only leave me feeling deprived. I had heard that people who dieted had much better luck losing weight when they told others that they didn’t eat **blank** any more. Not just that they were trying to limit their intake, but that they Didn’t. Eat. It. Anymore. If I was going to beat this sugar craving I was going to have to do something drastic. So I decided to stop eating candy. Forever. I didn’t limit cookies, ice cream, soda, pie or cake. I just told myself and anyone who offered that I didn’t eat candy anymore. Within 3 days the craving just disappeared. I still ate the occasional cookie, but wasn’t fueling myself with massive amounts of sugar. I satisfied my sweet tooth with fruit after dinner. Slowly, I began to lose a few pounds – a side benefit of stopping the candy that I hadn’t even counted on. Over the course of about 7 months I lost 30 pounds and have kept it off for another five. Did I need to make this a New Year’s Resolution to make this work? Of course not. But it sure gave me the impetus to get going.
Ashley you are an incredible inspiration!
I have followed your blog for years since Boo and my youngest were toddlers. I loved the sewing you did, the art you created. Listening to you go through your heartaches and trials, I was thinking and praying for you. You are an incredible writer. I look forward to all your posts and appreciate your integrity in your life and your writing. I find so much truth for myself here. Thank you for sharing that with all of us and I look forward to hearing much more!
This post really struck a nerve with me and I love your list of questions. I do a lot of things I can’t stand because they are the right thing to do and my family depends on my doing those things…with the end result being that I am too exhausted to do the things that are in line with my goals and dreams. This is the year I find a way to make those “have tos” at least move in the direction of aligning with who I am now.