Email Love: Volume 3

 

 

The third installment of email love. (click here if you missed the first two)

First off, I am sad to say that there have been no offers on the new domains I purchased. Some business opportunities just don’t pan out quite as you expect them to.

And for some reason (I don’t know, maybe because I publish them?) the hate mail has died off a little. Slim pickings recently….but here are a few humorous emails and comments to share:

 

“I spent the better part of an hour looking for the final version of a pin and still haven’t found it. I understand you can’t control what is pinned, but would it really be troublesome to link to whatever the project was to the finished tutorial instead of “Oh hey, I finished this, if you want to view it go look through all my other craft projects. Because I’m so awesome I craft my toilet paper.” It makes me much less likely to want to view, try, or link anything from you.”
Well, top o’ the morning to you too!
Just a note, would it be too troublesome to leave a valid email address? That way I could actually respond and maybe help you out.
P.S. You’re right, I can’t control what people pin from my site.
P.P.S. I’ve never crafted my toilet paper.

 

Were you the same girl I used to talk with on ICQ nearly 16 years ago? You had the name Millertime and worked down in Louisiana?  I was a young guy from Chicago and always talked about meeting one day.  I had a dream the other night and I was reliving my past and I could see myself typing to you on ICQ ………………I’m sorry if it all sounds strange but my brain works in odd ways…………if it isn’t you, I apologize.
Sorry, it wasn’t me…..but I’m intrigued. I hope you find her….with the name “Millertime” she has to be awesome.

 

Not an email just an excerpt from a recent conversation:

Me: So what do you do? (even though I already knew what he did, because, well, he’s well known and has a large Internet presence)
Him: Just Google me when you get home.
Me: Oh yeah? Well just Google ME.
(Yes, I actually had that moment. He was so smug and arrogant….I had a brief moment of insanity and I threw the “Google me” card right back at him.)
And you know what he said?

Him: Well….okay…..I will.

 

Posted on a reader’s comment:

UUUGGHHHH! I must chime in here, because YOU just committed the same crime of the English language that Ashley commits often. The word is ANYWAY, not ANYWAYS.
Okay, I had no idea that I committed that crime. Thank you for pointing it out, finally….and have you noticed that I haven’t done it since? I know that I also use ellipses all wrong….but no one’s called me out on that one yet. Keep on keepin’ on.

 

And then there are the Google searches that people type in….and somehow they end up at Lil Blue Boo:

It’s really hard to say Lil Blue Boo…..and to spell it apparently. There are hundreds of variations: lilyblurboo, lilybluebo, littleblowboo, lil boob lue, bittle blow boo, lil bloo boo

 

I couldn’t possibly comb through all 25,000 searches from the last 30 days, so here’s a random sample of popular searches. I started to take screenshots but there were too many and I gave up:

118 searches for “girls who poop at work”
90 searches for “taxidermy”
89 searches for “cb handle generator”
36 searches for “DIY taxidermy”
26 searches for “male divers losing suit”
12 searches for “costco germy straw dispenser”
11 searches for “camel toe”
8 searches for “zombie apocalypse”

 

Oh the randomness:

chihuahua pees on rug just for spite
ric flair makes your momma say whoo
what are neanderthals
what noodles were salander eating
what size dog diapers do i get for an 8 pound pomeranian
what to write in husband’s card for birthday
why do kangaroos fall into bags
am i buying too many legos
can i say i’m naked to phone solicitors

 

I love how some questions are phrased:

whats the name of the movie with two kids and one of them is in a concentration camp or something like that
what do you do if you’ve had hemorrhoids forever and a month
why do i feel like i have to poop even though i do not
bangin’ north carolina vinegar based pork bbq recipe

Some are funny because you know they searched it thinking they were under surveillance:

wi fi signal comes up fbi surveillance van what does that mean

 

 

And I’m starting to think that Lil Blue Boo is synonymous with WebMD*:

can you die if you push too hard whilst pooping
can you get brain hemmorhage from pushing too hard on the toilet
can thongs give you hemorrhoids
before pooping why do i feel like i’m having a heart attack
why do my legs itch
wake up with my intestines hurting can feel poo when it comes out my colon with pain on the right
i had to spread my bum at the hospital
what do proctologists prescribe
what makes you feel like your intestines are about to fall our while pooping
what should i do when i’m pooping
what do you do if you don’t poop for a week

*(actually if you search these, Lil Blue Boo comes up before WebMD. there’s something so wrong about that……)