Perfection Was Never the Goal

Sitting in church today listening to my friend Jodi speak I had tears in my eyes, especially as she spoke about the pressure of being a pastor’s wife:

My story is not churchy, but… it is authentic and genuine. 

My story is not churchy either.  I mean, I can’t even be churchy at church.  I sat on the steps in the front of the church today folding bulletins as we had the Sunday morning volunteer meeting. I had grabbed the bulletins off of the copier….folding them at lightning speed.  Jodi was talking about what the message was going to be, and suddenly our pastor Jeff yelled “STOP“….and I looked up.  “Those aren’t printed yet.” I was folding blank bulletins.  I stopped but in slow motion…. I said “shhhhhiiiiiitttttttttt.”   In front of everyone.  Darn it. Very messy.

Something Jodi wrote a few weeks ago was exactly what I needed to hear that day:

To our lurking duo of guilt and shame,

Maybe, and perhaps especially, it is our messy, out-of-order selves, that breathe a sigh of relief over our circles of influence. Maybe YOU being YOU, puts others at ease and inspires them to do the same. We will not see perfection in this lifetime. But perfection was never the goal given to us. Our broken world needs something from you; You, in fact, are necessary.

Declaring on this “hustle and bustle” Thursday to show up graciously and authentically. What a privilege it is to share God’s love.

I read those words while I was waiting for a hair cut and it was like I’d been hit by lightning. I’m always struggling on how to keep this blog relevant…do I raise my voice like others do?  Take a stand on controversial things?  That’s just not me. Maybe YOU being YOU, puts others at ease and inspires them to do them same.  I don’t want to do anything differently. I don’t want to draw attention by shaming other people. I don’t want to write for a large corporation. I just want to live a simple life, and I just want to tell the story of how my life is different because of the presence of God. So maybe I’m not supposed to have a loud voice, maybe I’m supposed to have my everyday authentic, genuine voice and bring other authentic, genuine voices along with me. Like Jodi. She puts into words so many things that I’d like to put into words.  And so to make a long story short, I texted Jodi and told her I was “struck by lightning” and would she be willing to share some of her writing here and there. And she said yes. And she was excited about sharing. Which rocks. So here’s Jodi, pastor’s wife to Jeff, hustlin’ mama to her four MVPs, and inspirational friend. I think you’ll like her….a lot.

-Ashley

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From your small town, messy, unconventional Pastor’s wife….

I grew up with one of the most beautiful and remarkably stunning Pastor’s wife on the planet. In my eyes, she was exactly perfect and I was convinced JESUS himself was her personal BFF. She was holy and lovely and godly and well, you know, untouchably awesome. And for me, I was a church going mess; lost and broken and doubting, but striving to BE who I thought God needed me to be, perfect.

Now fast forward into my adult life and I somehow land myself smack dab in the middle of my own gig as a Pastor’s wife. Go figure.

It became quickly obvious to me that even after all my years of Christian striving, a degree in Church Ministry, receiving my License to Preach, and marrying a Pastor, I was still a church going mess, but NOW I was a Pastor’s-wife-church-going-mess. I was overwhelmed with the thinking, “I’m just not at all what they want.”

And people weren’t shy to confirm that: too young, too casual, lacks experience, too much love and grace, not enough accountability, not deep enough, oh and that tattoo…sigh. What on earth would they do if they knew I’ve slipped up and said the “F” bomb….as recently as last week? I was buried in the land of “not enough” and lacking the confidence to plow through the critics, each day thinking, “How on earth would I please the masses?”

Jodi in Guatemala with The Grove Church

I begged God to keep me genuine and authentic and to help me reveal His love to others. I was determined to not let serving “the church” steal my joy, because I guess deep down I had just known I was born to share His story. I felt as though He needed my voice to bring hope to other church-going-messes JUST LIKE ME.

But could He use an imperfect Pastor’s wife to build His kingdom? Could He use a broken church-going-mess to bring hope and love to our world?

He CAN.

He HAS.

And He WILL use every single imperfect, non-fancy voice that speaks up with honesty and transparency for Him. A voice that uses its courage and bravery to be exactly who God designed them to be.

And so I fought and I fought to be just that: brave and courageous in my own skin, pushing for a real honest faith that didn’t buckle under the load of expectation. Striving to be an uncommon voice in the world of churchy behavior and language.

So maybe, and perhaps especially, it is our messy, out of order selves that breathe a sigh of relief over our circles of influence. Maybe when we are true with who we are, we will in turn put others at ease and inspire them to do the same. We will not see perfection in this lifetime, but perfection was never the goal given to us.

Now a Pastor’s wife for 14 years, I am more deeply in love with the messy church goer than ever before, because WE are just alike. These are my people. “The Church” should be a place where every heart matters, where every story is valued and we can show up just as we are:
Broken and Beautiful,
Chaotic and Peaceful,
Hurting and Hopeful,
Sinful and Forgiven.

I was never meant to be super fancy and untouchable, but to be faithful in telling and sharing the story that is uniquely mine to tell, rough edges and ALL.

Peace and Blessings to the story you bring. Share it…all of it, no matter what the masses may say.

-Jodi