Ashley Hackshaw, Author at Ashley Hackshaw / Lil Blue Boo

Let Go, Let God

January 29, 2012 by Ashley Hackshaw

We made it to church 2 weeks in a row. I was determined to go today to pray especially for my friend Staci and her mother Elaine and their family. Elaine collapsed this past weekend from a stroke and while they were doing scans they found a lesion on her lung and several on her lymph nodes that they believe to be cancerous.

The night my surgery went sideways, Ben showed up almost immediately at the hospital, no hesitation. Staci follows up almost every day on my progress. Elaine has brought over my favorite drinks, antioxidant soup, and “smooth move” tea….anything she could do to make my day easier the last few weeks. Elaine’s husband Fred showed up on my doorstep to help contact any cancer center I wanted to get in to. Staci and her husband Ben were the first ones to make the Choose Joy bracelets for us……they started the whole thing. They would never want me to give credit though. Well, guess what Ben and Staci: you are now responsible for over 10,000 Choose Joy bracelets floating around to date…and 4,000 more that have yet to be shipped out. Yesterday, Elaine told Staci to make sure I knew that she was wearing her Choose Joy bracelet in the hospital. I couldn’t help but cry. Today Elaine is MY inspiration.

Today’s sermon at church was on Psalm 46: God is our refuge and strength, an ever-present help in trouble.

Don’t judge….but I’m a reality TV junkie…..and all I could think about in church during the sermon was last week’s Jersey Shore episode where Vinny gets a new tattoo:

His roommates have no idea what the meaning is: Let Go, Let God…..huh, what? I know, I know….I’m using Jersey Shore to make a point…..but the tattoo is exactly what Psalm 46 says: Be still, and know that I am God. Be still…..in other words, “let go” and let God handle it. I learn more and more everyday that most things are out of my control….and I have to let God fill in: whether it’s healing, faith, guidance, and especially acceptance. So how do I choose joy in situations where most people would think there isn’t an ounce of joy to be found? I just let go……and have faith. It doesn’t mean that I don’t cry, or that I’m not sad, or disappointed when things happen…..but I can choose not to be bitter or angry. There’s a huge difference. It’s hard to put into words…..so I hope that makes sense.

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After church we went to lunch at our favorite lunch place and I watched as Boo inched precariously closer and closer to falling into the fountain. She was on a mission to save a “rock” which I swore was either going to turn out to be dog poop or tree bark….but it did actually turn out to be a rock. A floating pumice rock.

Watching Armageddon this afternoon….Brett says that I remind him of Steve Buscemi. Yes, the goofy, creepy guy. I hope it’s just the sarcastic humor

First In, Last Out

January 26, 2012 by Ashley Hackshaw

I didn’t sleep that well last night…..I think I was antsy for today. I found myself eating pistachios on the couch at 3:00am and watching Superman. I think I fell asleep finally around 4:00am. Brett finally woke me up at 7:30am to start getting ready.

I was the first person in the doctor’s office today. Brett and I met with Dr. L about side effects and what to expect from the new chemotherapy regimen. He just kept stressing how hard this was going to be on my kidneys and that overly hydrating was going to be really important. EMA-EP is the treatment we ended up settling on. Today was the E & P portion. Cisplatin and VP-16. The EMA is next Thursday and Friday. Those are some BIG bags waiting on the IV stand:

I met a lot of interesting people. Like the guy who has to be fed through a feeding tube and he said he imagines a big ham sub going through the tube. I told him he needed scratch and sniff stickers to help. I don’t think he was too excited. I felt bad eating my lunch in front of him. There was an elderly man there that looked just like my Paw-Paw. It made me a little teary. He looked so frail and tired.

All of the sudden this afternoon, the entire room was asleep it seemed….except for me of course! I started feeling weaker and uncomfortable as the day went on. And full. And lots of heart palpitations.

They weren’t able to start my big Cisplatin drip until about 12:30pm because I had to get so many fluids beforehand as well as the nausea medication drips. The Cisplatin drip was 5 hours because it had to drip with an identical bag of fluids for hydration to make sure my kidneys would be flushed out. I also try to drink a ton of water so I made 4,291 trips to the bathroom. It got to the point that I wouldn’t even have opened the bathroom door to exit before I had to pee again. I wore a hole in the linoleum I think:

I wrote the beginning of this post while I was still at the doctor’s office. Now we are home and I’m not feeling so hot. Bear with me if this post is all over the place. I’m writing it in small increments at a time. My poor heart feels like it’s on overdrive.

Brett picked Sienna up from school before picking me up from the doctor. I was the last patient there. First one in this morning…..and last one out. I was getting a little competitive with the last man there to see who would leave first. His drip finished before me and he said he felt bad leaving me by myself. I told him they needed to upgrade the place to lounge chairs by the pool and cocktails and I’d be set.

Now I’m in bed…..I was so hungry I ate in bed….one small fork at a time….just laying on my side so it would stay down. My legs ache. I feel really crampy. And just too weak to get up. Boo was on the bed talking to me and it took several minutes for it to even register that she was talking to me. Brett brought my laptop to me so I could write all this down. He’s now trying to find my Zofran so I can keep my dinner down too. Dinner was really good…..I’d like to keep it. They gave me a diuretic shot right before I left the doctor…..so I have to pee every 5 minutes still…..and I’m supposed to keep hydrating so my kidney’s are okay. If we lived more that 5 miles from the doctor’s office I would have to pee on the side of the road. This was a powerful diuretic. Dr. L scared me into staying hydrated for the sake of my kidneys. It’s really not that bad though. At least I don’t have to do anything……I’ll just lay here and drift in and out of sleep and drink as much water as I can. I’d really love a shower….but I don’t have the energy. Who wants to volunteer to give me a sponge bath?

Dr. L said we are now “Rambo”-ing my body to try and kill this cancer. From now on, I’ll have no rest at all between chemotherapy until my body just can’t take it anymore and he’s forced to give me some time off. Works for me. Just kill the cancer.

I’ll reread this tomorrow in case I need to fix anything. Just be glad you are reading this online and not in person…Brett says I smell like fried bologna.

Thrift Store Find: Shabby Chic

January 23, 2012 by Ashley Hackshaw

I found the most amazing dresser at the thrift store to hold all the office supplies in the LBB office. It was only $170….I would have spent more at Ikea for storage for all my junk. Brett thought it was too expensive at first, but he came around when I negotiated “we’ll refinish it and sell it for more one day.” Here I am giving it a big hug:

I’d been checking the thrift stores weekly…..never finding what I really wanted or needed. THEN I walked in last weekend and this dresser was just sitting there waiting for me. It had already been re-painted the perfect color too. Another lady was eyeing it too and I swooped in like a falcon predator and tore off the “tear here and take to cashier to check out” stub and took off running.