I’ve got chemo tomorrow…..so I thought I’d go to Home Depot this afternoon and stock up on some spray paint. That makes sense right? I went by myself….nothing on my head….totally bald. I walked around for about an hour….I like to do that….just browsing the aisles and thinking of potential projects. It was the ultimate social experiment. I hit up the garden center…..Mr. LBB wants some ferns for under our pergola. I couldn’t find any…….so I kind of aimlessly walked around in the shady plant section. A woman smiled at me and said “you have a VERY nicely shaped head.” I told her excitedly that I had just shaved it. Only a few moments earlier she had berated a man for stealing a shopping cart. You should have seen the look on the poor guy’s face when he saw that it was my cart….he looked like he had stolen a cart from a cancer patient! He sheepishly returned it to me.  I was so embarrassed and I told him it was no big deal. It wasn’t……if someone steals my cart I usually find another. It’s good exercise.

It’s not really fair, but I started to mentally ticking off which categories people fell into as I walked around the store. It ended up being all over the place:

Okay….so I came close to crying in Home Depot too. I was in the checkout line and a sweet elderly man looked at me, turned around, and then looked back at me again. He said softly “have you been sick, sweetie?” I told him yes, but I was going to be okay….he took my hand and said “well I wish only the best for you.” I barely made it out of the store intact.

I don’t think I acted any differently than I ever do in the store. I know I was paying more attention to interactions. I was on a mission NOT to look sick: standing up straight, walking briskly, smiling and talking with energy etc.  But I was definitely treated differently. It doesn’t bother me at all…..we are all human. It’s just something I’m aware of now…..and I’m thankfully aware. I’ll never look at anyone bald or wearing a scarf the same again. It’s what my mother said as well.

The crazy part about the whole thing is……I fell into the category “totally wants to say something but doesn’t get the courage” at lunch. There was a bald lady sitting near us and I wanted to know what her story was and I didn’t have the guts to ask. Maybe she wouldn’t have wanted me to ask. Ironically, I was a bald woman worried about talking to another bald woman.

Last night was my mom’s last night here. She babysat and Mr. LBB and I went out to dinner with our friends Ben and Staci who were in town visiting. It was awesome…..I haven’t been out in months. I wore a wool beanie….and I got SO hot….so I took it off at dinner.  We had to laugh because half the restaurant was bald…..seriously. We were the youngest people by about 30 years.

Update: Someone asked me which category I wished people fell into. I like when people are inquisitive and compassionate because I’m very inquisitive and like hearing what their story is.  I also like when I’m treated completely normal….so probably somewhere in between! I can’t speak for anyone else though. Maybe some of you could let me know what you think…..especially if you’ve been there!  I know I’m a total fail on things like this sometimes….I get social anxiety and want to do the right thing but then become a crazy person. So I’d be the overly friendly and awkward!

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So…my mom left today….and we already miss her. Who is going to force me to drink green juice and test my PH daily?

My friend Kristina sent me some personalized M&Ms! CHOOSE JOY, NURSES BEWARE, and DEMAND RECOUNT. A few weeks back my HCG numbers didn’t budge….even after starting the aggressive chemotherapy and I told everyone that I had demanded a recount at the doctor’s office. I didn’t believe the number. Turns out the doctor didn’t either and switched labs for my weekly test. I’m learning more and more to speak up when I think something is wrong.

Chemo isn’t until around lunchtime tomorrow…..it won’t be a long day!  Hopefully I’ll get something creative done in the morning.

Oh my gosh….the craziest thing happened: I woke up this morning bald.

And my teeth are bigger. My sister Perry and I joke that we have horse teeth, it takes work to close our mouths. My teeth grew even more with the absence of hair.

I slept in a ski hat last night. It was awesome.

My head feels like it has mint or wintergreen on it…..you know that “cool” feeling?

Diesel (our dog) never even noticed my hair was gone. Dogs are awesome.

I took a shower last night and still used shampoo and conditioner. I don’t like rubbing my head against the grain of the hair…..so I could only wash it in one direction. I’ll get used to it. I didn’t have to put a towel on my head afterwards. I just pat my head dry!

I watched the video from yesterday this morning with Boo and it got to the point where she’s staring at me and I asked her what she was thinking at this moment. She said: I was thinking “are you sure about this?”

All of your comments and messages about the rite of passage video and the cancer chronicles are so overwhelming. And so appreciated. I am completely humbled. I don’t think of myself as an inspiration. I mean, why should my simple little life be at all inspiring? I don’t know…..someone said yesterday that I have a lot of readers and maybe that this is why I was chosen to have cancer. Maybe? I know everything can have meaning behind it….and I don’t want to waste it.

Here’s the honest truth: I do choose joy everyday. There is rarely a moment that I am not upbeat and positive. I’ve been questioned countless times through email: there’s no way you could be this upbeat, it’s not normal, it’s too exhausting, it’s weird. Maybe it’s not normal, maybe it is weird. But it takes less energy. Life is terminal….I’m going to die. That’s the only thing I know for sure. I could be worried about paying medical bills….but I know we’ll figure it out.  I could get angry at an incorrect order at a restaurant….but I’d only ruin the waiter’s day.  I could be self conscious about what I’m wearing but everyone else is probably self conscious too….and it sounds ridiculous for all of us to be in a group being self conscious about ourselves. We aren’t living in the movie Heathers. With any inconvenience I try to tell myself: This too shall pass. And I know it will. The hardest part is realizing it before anger and frustration set in. I remember one day when I couldn’t find Boo’s lunch tickets for school…..all prepaid. Brett was out of town and I was feeling overwhelmed. I got so flustered and frustrated and we were late for school and I took everything from the counter……and literally threw it all very dramatically all over the kitchen floor yelling “NOW let’s see if I can find the @#$@#$ ticket!” Papers, magazines, pencils, snacks…..everywhere. Boo just stood there in horror. She probably thought she was next. The second we walked in the school office Boo said “Ooooh, Mommy made the biggest mess. She threw stuff all over the kitchen. She was so mad. And she said a bad word.”  All I could say was “yep, I need a chill pill. pronto.” It was just a stupid lunch ticket. I probably lost a year off my life with that little rager. I probably lost another year cleaning up the huge mess. And it breaks my heart to think about how horribly Boo’s day started out. It wasn’t worth it.

Anyway, it is just impossible for me to respond to all your comments from yesterday, and if you’ve been around a while you know I like to respond. So I wanted to say thank you. You took precious time out of your day to comment and I want you to know that I appreciate it. I read every comment.