in my element = where i belong

I spent the weekend up in the mountains at a women’s retreat. At first glance, you might think I was out of my element because I was the youngest church member there. There did happen to be a few high school age girls because the youth director had brought them with her.  One young youth was in my group and when it came time to share why each of us had decided to attend the retreat she rolled her eyes and said, “because they made me.”  It was all I could do to hold back laughter at the dramatic way she said it.  It reminded me of myself at that age.  Next to the young girl sat 93-year-old Ethel.  Ethel’s answer was very similar, “because I live with my daughter now and there would be no one to watch over me.” Ethel and the young girl immediately had something in common.

So here I was in a group of 53 women, ranging in age from 17 years old to 93 years old, brought together to learn, sing, praise, rest, and play.  I’m not very extroverted with my faith.  I’ll never be the person that yells “Praise God” at the top of my lungs.  But this was my element.  Why? Because I can make any time, place, or group my element.  I could be stuck in traffic for an hour and be perfectly happy…..which is what happened on the drive up. And I heard some complaining about it when I first got there, but not from my car. In my car, we talked about librarians, argued whether squirrels are just rats in prettier clothes, and how to find a meteorites. Seriously, if you get stuck with me in a car for a few hours you never know what subjects you’ll be covering. I need a bumper sticker with a disclaimer.

Friend: We are lost.
Me: Don’t worry I have a compass on my phone.
I shake the compass a few times.
Me: Nevermind, I don’t know how to use a compass.

There was a men’s retreat going on at the same time as our women’s retreat.  The first few men I saw had what looked like Amish beards, so I told a few of the gals that I suspected it was an Amish retreat (I am known to just make things up when I don’t know the answer).   At breakfast the next morning, where we share the mess hall with the men, someone said:

These men are NOT Amish, they look more like the Hell’s Angels.

I did see a few motorcycle shirts. Close enough. If they were Amish, 90% of them had shaved their beards off by breakfast. These guys were a little rough around the edges…yay for interesting.

The first man I met was named Lou.  I ran into Lou at every meal.  We could not be more opposite in the way we express our faith.  He says “Praise God” after every sentence. I say “awesome” or “cool” after every sentence, but then Lou would also say “Praise God” after every one of my sentences too, almost as if he was punctuating them.  You can’t help but be awe struck around someone like Lou, how one human being can be so high on life, full of hope, and intent on spreading the love of God.  He told me about the number of times he came close to death.  He told me about the miracles that he had witnessed. He told me about his pastor, his mentor. He told me I would do great things for God, that he could feel it.  It moved me to tears.  My friend Shivaun asked for a blessing from him and I became stuck in a circle of prayer, which is the closest I came to being out of my element. I secretly glared at Shivaun for putting me in a claustrophobic circle but I stayed still because I didn’t want to hurt Lou’s feelings. But then she asked to take a photo of us….and I’m glad she did because now I have a photo of Lou:

Lou and I freezing at 8:30am in the morning:

Lou is someone I’ll never forget.  He’s a walking miracle, salt of the earth, a humble shepherd. Do not neglect to show hospitality to strangers, for by this some have entertained angels without knowing it.  True that.

*****

The whole retreat made me realize how important it is to bring women of all ages together. Even when it’s uncomfortable for some. There was some heavy subject content. The speaker Trevekka Olkholm, author of Kingdom Family, talked about the seven saving graces, and to do that you have to talk about sin. I loved what I learned, she did such a great job. Funny though, the word sin reminds me of church as a kid…so does the word Satan. I just imagine the SNL church lady sitting on my shoulder too.  I shared my favorite quote from Tuesday’s with Morrie when we were on the subject of envy:

…if you’re trying to show off for people at the top, forget it. They will look down on you anyhow. And if you’re trying to show off for people at the bottom, forget it. They will only envy you. Status will get you nowhere. Only an open heart will allow you to float equally between everyone. -Mitch Album

One of my friends after one of the sessions said, “you know, before this I thought this wouldn’t be my crowd, that I would never be accepted by these women because they all seem to have a lot of money.”

I asked her, “Do you think that is about you or them…because I know that some of these women don’t have much in monetary terms.”

She answered, “Oh it’s definitely about me.” I thought this was so amazing that she had realized she was the one putting up a barrier, not the other women.  How often do we do that?  Pre-judging others when really we all just have the same insecurities. We all just want to be liked and accepted.

In the small groups we talked about the meaning of “wholly” and “holy” but all I could think about was the word “holey” and myself as Swiss cheese. No one had a clue to what I was talking about.

Shivaun and I escaped during free time to roam the town of Idyllwild…actually we were looking for a post office.  Shivaun writes at least one letter a day which I’ll have to write a post about another day. She wrote about 10 letters at the retreat. I was determined to find the post office because I thought it would be nice for the letters to be postmarked “Idyllwild.”   Once I get something like that in my head I can’t get rid of it…I had permanent tractor beam lasers attached to the idea of the Idyllwild post office. We ended up getting lost down a long skinny dirt road. I was being touristy and curious because obviously they wouldn’t put a post office down a long skinny dirt road.  As the car turned a corner, a huge group of mountain bikers were getting ready to start what looked like a race. I slammed on the brakes and I closed my eyes for a second (because if you close your eyes you become invisible. Toddler fact.) As I opened my eyes again the bikers proceeded to bike around the car…..I’d split the race in two. It reminded me of the time in Ireland when my dad had us stuck in a herd of sheep.

We finally found the post office after driving 400 miles in a town that is only about 2 miles from end to end.  We found it only because I rolled down the window and we both yelled at the top of our lungs in unison, “DO YOU KNOW WHERE THE POST OFFICE IS?” The two people we asked were art students.  They jumped back and the girl said, “Whoa. You guys are intense.” We agreed. We are intense.

After the post office, we stopped at a used book store called Bubba’s Books. Steve runs Bubba’s Books.  Steve is the nicest guy in Idyllwild.  He also has the best used book selection. Seriously.  It’s because he’s selective about what he takes in. Next time you go to Idyllwild stop and see Steve and tell him “Ashley with the name tag” sent you.

Me and Steve:

I forgot my wallet. Shivaun only had $7.00 (less postage for how many letters she mailed.) But she bought me this book:

[Read more…]

I remember sitting at my desk back in 2006 thinking:

I don’t want this. I don’t want any of this.

From the outside looking in, everything seemed perfect. I’d made it. I’d achieved everything I’d ever wanted:
I had my MBA.
I had a high paying job.
I flew on corporate jets and stayed in the nicest hotels.
I had a huge house on a golf course.
I had a country club membership.
I had nice cars.
I could buy anything I wanted.

And then one day I walked in and quit my job. I didn’t even clean out my desk.  I left all the remnants of one life with the intention of moving on to something I hadn’t even found yet.

Really, I had started to check out well before the day that I actually left.  I remember driving into my driveway in the wee hours of the morning (because I rarely got home the same day I went to work), I’d turn the car off and just sit there.  Every night I pulled in there was a family of deer by the edge of the house.  This went on for weeks. I would sit silently in my car and watch them eat the perfect landscaping that we’d spent so much money on, almost laughing at the irony of it all.  Sitting there, with the whole world asleep around me, I would think:

Is this all there is?

And I knew that I wanted more but it came with overwhelming fear.

My mind was on repeat:

How do I walk away from all of this without looking like a failure?

How can I be brave enough to change the path I’m on?

How will I explain to people that although this may look like success it doesn’t feel like it?

How do I rearrange my whole life…..just to figure out what I want out of it?

Where is the exit? Please God give me an exit!

Then, on one of those nights, sitting in the still and quiet of my driveway, I found the quiet gift of grace.  The fear vanished.  I didn’t know what my path was going to be yet. I didn’t have anything planned out.  I just knew that I didn’t want what I had.

The funny thing about faith and bravery is that they start to build on each other, if you let them.  In the 30 days following the day I quit my “dream” job:

My husband quit his “dream” job.
We sold our “dream” house.
We sold our “dream” cars.
We walked away from a non-refundable country club membership.
We moved 3,000 miles across the country.

We didn’t bring much with us, mostly boxes of books, journals and photos.  I gave Mr. LBB a box or two as well.

And yes, everyone thought we were nuts. Here’s an important message, write it down:

Sometimes it’s a relief to be NUTS…..when people think you are crazy it takes away the need for explanation.

But the truth is,
I’ve never regretted walking away from it all.  Ok, maybe for exactly 3 seconds every time I look at my huge stack of medical bills, but it quickly goes away.  But maybe that’s not regret, maybe it’s just a little bit of longing for security.  We all want security, but in the physical world there isn’t any.  When I start worrying and longing for something else it means I’ve drifted away from my faith. It’s an easy measure for me.

For so long, I thought I had to be this hard shell of bravery and endurance. I viewed success and failure as black and white.  But sometimes being brave is allowing yourself to fail. Now I look at failure not so much as an exit but as another door opening.

I feel something stirring in me again.  I feel restless. I want less. I want simple. God can be kind of relentless sometimes….and it always seems to be when I think I don’t need him so much anymore.  I need to find time to be still and listen.  And I need to be brave enough to re-arrange my life to fit through whatever door opens….wherever it is. 

Update: The quotes from this post came from a book called Sacred Rhythms by Ruth Haley Barton. I’m in a bible study right now at church that is based on the book.  It’s very inspiring.

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