Life Archives - Page 15 of 92 - Ashley Hackshaw / Lil Blue Boo

A Sophisticated Christmas

December 21, 2013 by Ashley Hackshaw

The holidays can be so hectic sometimes I forget to stop and take a breath. My mom is in town and Boo is in heaven because my mom will actually play Barbies. (Note: I do not like to play Barbies.) Today I overheard the Barbies going to church, having bible study, and holding a friend intervention…my mom can play an elaborate Barbie.

I’m pretty much done with my Christmas shopping because Boo pretty much asked for one thing. So I got her that: one thing. The tree looked too so bare with not one present under it yet, so I got her a few more little things. Then packages started showing up at the door from family and then I was worried it was too much. I now have a return pile.

I still need to get Mr. LBB something. I was thinking maybe a rotary phone? Oh wait, that’s what I want. I watched We Are Marshall late last night and I was totally transfixed with the scene when the President Dedmon is dialing the phone over and over. There’s just something about a rotary phone. Same reason I love typewriters so much. Plus there’s no redial…and no way to press 9 to hear all 8 options again. I don’t need so many options.

Yes please.

wikipedia

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I hosted the church youth group party at the house last night and Boo had so much fun with the older kids. She so desperately was trying to fit in that she was reduced to tears a few times. But what a great group of kids….they were all so concerned with making sure she had a good time. They were all so polite and respectful and well behaved.

And then…as we were cleaning up I noticed that my bra had been hanging from the back of a chair in the dining area the whole time. I’d left it there to dry while doing laundry and forgot to move it. Great. At least it wasn’t underwear…

Oh and Boo put this sign on our master bedroom door. It supposed to be a reindeer. With lingerie hanging all over the house and the sign-that-looks-like-a-trapeze-in-a-bedroom drawing I’m not sure I should ever have visitors again without a third party “editing” the house beforehand.

Wow.

Tonight Mr. LBB and I hiked to the cross (above Palm Desert). It was dark and awesome. I’m not so afraid of the dark with Mr. LBB nearby. Headlamps are a must and I definitely don’t recommend doing it unless you are familiar with the trail during the daytime. I imagined someone ending up in a dark abyss never to be seen again if they took a wrong turn. The view is amazing and Christmas lights twinkled throughout the whole valley.

The true Christmas light:

Spelunking anyone?

I think it’s much easier to hike at night. You can’t see the elevation change so it’s just one foot after the other, no anticipation of the hard road ahead, and then suddenly…you find the top. That should be life in a nutshell.

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Back to Christmas. So what did Boo want? Another American Girl doll. I tried everything to talk her out of it. How about a keyboard? Trivial Pursuit? Nope. She wants another doll. She already has two, and I think one more would be excessive but she does play with them, and sleeps with them, and dresses them, and asks me to babysit them while she’s at school…so as long as she still wants dolls I’m thinking that’s a good thing. Please play dolls for years to come Boo. I managed to catch a glimpse of her draft letter to Santa:

Omg. She’s begging.

Conan visiting the American Girl store…Boo has no idea there is an American Girl store. I plan to keep it that way. I almost broke a rib at the play pattern part:

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My mom wraps a gift for baby Jesus every year. We’ve done it since I was a kid. We put the gift in the offering plate at church. (spoiler: it’s money) Speaking of baby Jesus: Boo has started sleeping with her nativity set and I can’t talk her out of it. 17 little plastic characters all in bed with her. She made a chore list for Joseph:

“help me with Jesus”

Joseph already crossed cleaning the barn off the list. And a nap. I think we are well on our way to a very sophisticated Christmas this year….just hoping it lasts through Christmas Eve.

The Ghost of Cancer Past

December 14, 2013 by Ashley Hackshaw

People try to make me a fixed star, but I am a wandering planet.
-from the movie Luther

Hearing that Jennifer Arnold has a rare cancer brings back all kinds of emotions. I too had that rare cancer. I was stage 3 Choriocarcinoma. When people ask what type of cancer I had and I tell them I usually get a blank stare. They’ve never heard of it. It’s scary having something no one has heard of. I remember thinking: why can’t I just have a normal cancer? As if cancer were normal. This is why I’m glad no one can read my mind. I’m praying for Jennifer and her family. Praying for her healing.

Going through old photos recently has been like looking at someone else’s life. Except it’s mine. I have no other story except this one. I am not the same person I was before. A pastor at my church has asked me to give a testimony on Christmas Eve and I’ve accepted…

[insert heart palpitations and nausea here]

Part of me wants to say no. I go back and forth about it every day. I’m scared to do it. I keep thinking of nightmare scenarios…like what if I say the word douche accidentally? Or what if I do my really ugly cry and can’t stop? I cried through a meeting the other day at church! Who does that!?

In thinking about what my testimony should be I’ve been thinking about what’s changed in me. I mean there’s the obvious….I went from girly to boy-ly. The rest….well, I’m struggling with how to put it into words.

It’s hard to pinpoint what changed and when. It’s like staging when I step back and look at it all:

“B.C.” Before Cancer: I was a happy person before cancer. I was motivated and hard working. If I work hard enough, everything will be perfect…one day.

Surgery Trauma: Suddenly I was thrown into the world of cancer. I thought I was pregnant. I don’t think cancer should result from the thought of pregnancy. It’s like taking the hope of the world and then turning it into doomsday. They were just going to go in with a camera and look around. I went under anesthesia and I woke up in ICU, looking all ragged and with someone else’s blood. Kind of like Frankenstein. The whole idea of “looking around” was all false advertising.

Chemotherapy: I started chemotherapy before I’d even had a chance to comprehend what had happened. And for the first time, I found that I had physical limits. I was forced to stop. I was reduced to accepting help. Pride goeth after a fall sometimes.

New Chemotherapy: The first line of chemotherapy was unsuccessful. So a second line started. I think that’s about the time I just stopped caring what they did to me. It seemed much easier to just surrender. I just found myself praying: Dear God, just don’t make it too painful. [Read more…]

Be a Better Stranger

December 3, 2013 by Ashley Hackshaw

He was a who, not a what, just like me.

Last night I was at the grocery store and an elderly man dropped a box of orange juice. As I reached down to help him, he commented how clumsy he was these days. I could tell he was a veteran. I have a special place in my heart for veterans. I told him I was clumsy all the time. I commented that all the orange juices looked the same and I had to make sure I wasn’t getting one with pulp because Boo doesn’t like pulp, and he said something about not having pulp is not getting the bang for your buck. I smiled at him and he told me that my smile belonged in the Smithsonian and I told him he made my day. He was slow as he made his way around the store. I was slower. In the frozen aisle I told him I was finally going to pull ahead of him. At the produce area he said we needed to stop running into each other like this. He caught up to me again in the dairy section. We both stood in front of the dairy staring at all the selections. Shoppers swarmed all around us in a hurry. I told him it was all too confusing and I didn’t know what half the stuff was. He said he was a no frills kind of guy. I told him I was a no frills kind of girl. He said he knew I was. As I said goodbye he said it was so nice meeting you and I told him it was extra nice meeting him. I noticed his eyes were especially sparkly. I wondered how many times he’s been passed by in a hurry as if invisible. This holiday season my focus is on being slow and present, and maybe if I’m just slow enough I’ll run into the war veteran again.

The quote above is from the book Life is a Verb by Patti Digh. I love this:

You never know when you might be the highlight in a trip, a needed word, a special kindness. You never know when you might find the friend you’ve needed, or the learning that changes everything for you […] this was a real person with a name and a history and stories that make him laugh and cry. He was a who, not a what, just like me. –Patti Digh, Life is a Verb

Mr. Veteran was the highlight of my grocery trip.
I like people with no frills.
Cut straight to the real and raw.
He was a who, not a what, just like me.

P.S. I think I should start buying orange juice with pulp.