Once you have cancer………..everything might. be. cancer. It’s just something I’ve noticed recently.  Before cancer, nothing was cancer. I never had a fear of ever having cancer. I’ll never get cancer. I don’t live near Chernobyl and there’s no cancer in my family….why would I get cancer?

Now:

A stomach ache? uh oh….I wonder if it’s cancer…..

A chronic cough? hmmm…..cancer?

Backpain? cancer.

It’s always the first thing to pop in my head. I went for an ultrasound last week to monitor a cyst in my ovaries.

Here’s what happened: The tech is looking at my right ovary and not saying much, then she moves to my left ovary and then tells me it’s not there. It’s hidden.  Then she says she has to go and talk to the radiologist to see if he wants to order another scan.  Then she returns and says she didn’t want me to think she lied to me but…..she DID see my left ovary.  But it was higher than normal and had a 2cm mass in it and she wanted to talk to the doctor to see what he wanted her to do.  Um, what? I don’t know why I don’t get fearful at moments like this but weirdly enough I kind of giggled. She must have thought I was partly insane. I giggled because I thought it was really cute how she was worried that I’d read the report and think she lied to me.  I told her it was okay because it was a white lie.  Maybe she was concerned because I gave her my usual spiel while she was doing the ultrasound:

So what do you see?  Did the cyst grow? What are the measurements?  You can tell me.  I’m dying right? Ha…..just kidding…..just wanted to see if you blinked.  And YOU DID! You blinked! I knew it! Anything? I won’t let the doctor know…that I know. I can act really surprised when he gives me the news so you won’t steal his thunder. Are you worried the room is bugged? Just write it on a sheet of paper and pass it to me….I’ll read it….and then EAT it. No trace.

So anyway, the point is I walked away from that ultrasound thinking: cancer. Mostly I was thinking: what are the effin odds that I have TWO types of cancer…..because my choriocarcinoma is registering at zero right now so if it’s cancer it’s a NEW kind.

And then I forgot about cancer on the drive home.  (a positive side effect of having ADHD……but it drives everyone crazy. I forget about my bi-weekly blood tests results….every. time.)

Err…..what was I talking about?

My father-in-law called me and said he talked to the radiologist and they weren’t that worried. Then I remembered that I had that ultrasound and that I might have two types of cancer. But he reassured me that it could be any number of things.  I’ll need to have a repeat ultrasound in 2 weeks to see any changes.

The funny thing is…..everyone around me always seems to be sick: colds, flu, indigestion (it’s not funny to them).  And I always say: I never seem to get sick….knock on wood. Oh, except for cancer.  That one little blip on my record.

Another thing I’ve noticed…..I Google things a lot more…..any random onset of symptoms.  Just because….I like to torture myself and see what new type of cancer it tells me I have. I’d like to diagnose myself before the doctor has a chance to (but I won’t tell him I already knew, so I don’t steal his thunder). The only problem is…..Google never tells me I have cancer…..99% of the time it tells me that I’m having……A HEART ATTACK.

And then it tells me to call 9-1-1.

Thank you Google.

Heart attack symptoms in women:

Unusual fatigue
Sleep disturbance
Anxiety
Uncomfortable pressure
Uncomfortable fullness
Pain in the center of your chest
Pain in your back
Pain in your neck
Pain in your jaw
Pain in your stomach
Shortness of breath
Cold sweats
Nausea
Lightheadedness
Vomiting
Dizziness
Indigestion

That’s pretty much every symptom under the sun.  I feel like I’ve got a handle on cancer…..but I need more clarification on this heart attack thing.

Sorry, this post is long overdue…..but I forgot for a while that I had cancer.