Yeah, you better give me the insurance. Because I’m gonna beat the hell out of this car.
-Seinfeld
Last night when I was fixing dinner I realized I was out of celery…..so I thought I’d make a quick trip to the store:
Me: I’ll be right back.
Mr. LBB: I’m parked behind you.
All the sudden I had a feeling of dread. Ugh, it was time…..to finally drive the truck. Mr. LBB has owned his truck for over a year now…..and I’ve never been behind the wheel.
I don’t like trucks….or cars. Maybe it’s because I don’t drive as much as I used to….but all the sudden I feel really inept:
:: I have a fear of OPC (other people’s cars)…..especially if they are trucks.
:: I also have a fear of OPIC (other people IN cars)…..I‘m better when I’m by myself.
:: Please, PLEASE, don’t make me parallel park when someone is watching.
:: I’m scared sh#$%tless when I have to drive into one of those Jiffy Lube garage bays, when someone’s UNDERNEATH my car?!
:: I feel uncomfortable when someone is riding “hump” because I accidentally make eye contact in the rearview mirror too often.
:: If I see a police officer, I pretend I’m having a serious conversation with Boo to avoid eye contact…..and I start Driving Miss Daisy.
:: I drove for months without dashboard lights on my Prius because I thought they were broken. The dimmer was just turned all the way down.
:: I worry about static electricity when I’m at the gas pump.
:: I’m an automoron…..meaning I’ll walk up to another car (completely different make and model) thinking it’s mine. To my credit: it’s usually the same color.
Anyways, last night I finally climbed up into the driver’s side of Mr. LBB’s truck:
I have to put a key in the ignition? (I have a keyless Prius)
Do I just turn the key? ( Apparently diesel is not as easy as you think, this “coil” looking thing has to light up first.)
I think I need a helmet.
I got the truck started, backed it out slowly……and then ran over the neighbor’s curb. With hands at 10 and 2, I drove 30 miles an hour (in a 55) to the store. I drove .2 miles an hour through the one turn signal with a long line of impatient cars behind me. I parked at the VERY back of the parking lot and prayed that no one would park next to me. It even took me a few seconds to process how to actually put the truck in PARK.
But I did it. I made it there and back. It wasn’t so bad.
To the woman in the parking lot that saw my assets: sorry…..there’s no way to modestly get out of the truck with a mini skirt on.
Me: Want a cookie?
Mr. LBB: Yes.
I hand him an oatmeal raisin cookie.
Mr. LBB: Oh…..I thought you said nookie.
Me: It’s not YOUR birthday.
Today is my birthday. I’m 35……and I was scared of a truck.
Are you down with OPC?
