Here I am at chemo today…..trying not to laugh as the nurse took my picture with my phone. My bra strap is showing…darn.  I like my chair location….it’s right under one of the cool vents….and close to the bathroom. I told the nurses about Lil Blue Boo today…..and that I wrote about them. Maybe they’ll stop by.

See that huge bag at my feet? I take it every time I go to chemotherapy. It weighs about 50 pounds….seriously. I can’t stand to be without my stuff: laptop, iPad, iPhone, journal, pens, extension cord, chargers, cheddar Goldfish, Target fruit snacks, water, sometimes a Vitamin Water, lip balm, my chemo schedule, a blanket, my sweatshirt, and so on.

I had way too much energy today. I think it was the crazy juice concoction I made. I was totally on my own today because Brett had to leave to go out of town super early. Boo and Brett have their own special routine in the morning and Boo let me know:

Boo: Make SURE you mix the bananas good. Daddy does a good job mixing my cereal. And sometimes he lets me watch Goldrush. Its about finding gold. I think he already made my lunch though. And we can’t be late for prayer circle. I’ll tell Miss Leslie you don’t have any hair anymore when we get there.

Me: I’m feeling the pressure!

I took Boo to school and everyone in the office was sooo sweet and excited about my shaved head. Someone had forwarded around the link to the “how to shave your head” movie we made. Even Boo’s teacher had seen it.

I felt okay after chemo so I went to school to pick Boo up early. She didn’t want to leave. Go figure. Not feeling so hot now….but I have nothing to do this evening so that’s okay. I have a log from the last “CO” chemo treatment on how I felt….it helps me plan.  The nurse told me that Vincristine (one of the drugs I had today) can cause major constipation……so I’ll be contemplating that. I’m just hoping I don’t have to blog about poop again for a while. Dr. L thought the Vincrinstine might be what was causing my jaw pain, that it was a nerve-related thing……but the nurse thought it might be the Neulasta…..maybe it’s both.

****

Since my mom left yesterday I was feeling guilty about not juicing….so this morning I took everything out of the fridge that looked like it might have some juice in it: cucumber, kale, young Thai coconut, carrots, apples, lemons and even a few sad looking blueberries. If it’s not organic, I just peel the skin off. This is the juicer I use. I got it from Costco. It’s kind a pain to clean….but if you just clean it right when you finish juicing and then put the machine right back together it’s not a big deal:

I made a huge batch so I could force Gicela to try it today (insert evil laugh). I just cut the carrots, apples (put them straight in with the skin on after they’ve been washed) and add them to the juicer with the kale….I think it helps to get the kale juiced better. With all the different colors it starts to look a little pea-soupish. I cut up lemons and add them with their skin on. The lemon adds tartness to the juice and masks a lot of the vegetable flavors. If I add oranges or grapefruit I cut the rind off…..their rind tastes icky when juiced.

Once all the juice is finished I like to add some crushed ice (because I like it super cold) and the coconut pulp….and I use a hand blender to whip it all up. You can add banana or avocado at this stage because those can’t be juiced.

It isn’t that bad! Gicela even liked it.

I’ve got chemo tomorrow…..so I thought I’d go to Home Depot this afternoon and stock up on some spray paint. That makes sense right? I went by myself….nothing on my head….totally bald. I walked around for about an hour….I like to do that….just browsing the aisles and thinking of potential projects. It was the ultimate social experiment. I hit up the garden center…..Mr. LBB wants some ferns for under our pergola. I couldn’t find any…….so I kind of aimlessly walked around in the shady plant section. A woman smiled at me and said “you have a VERY nicely shaped head.” I told her excitedly that I had just shaved it. Only a few moments earlier she had berated a man for stealing a shopping cart. You should have seen the look on the poor guy’s face when he saw that it was my cart….he looked like he had stolen a cart from a cancer patient! He sheepishly returned it to me.  I was so embarrassed and I told him it was no big deal. It wasn’t……if someone steals my cart I usually find another. It’s good exercise.

It’s not really fair, but I started to mentally ticking off which categories people fell into as I walked around the store. It ended up being all over the place:

Okay….so I came close to crying in Home Depot too. I was in the checkout line and a sweet elderly man looked at me, turned around, and then looked back at me again. He said softly “have you been sick, sweetie?” I told him yes, but I was going to be okay….he took my hand and said “well I wish only the best for you.” I barely made it out of the store intact.

I don’t think I acted any differently than I ever do in the store. I know I was paying more attention to interactions. I was on a mission NOT to look sick: standing up straight, walking briskly, smiling and talking with energy etc.  But I was definitely treated differently. It doesn’t bother me at all…..we are all human. It’s just something I’m aware of now…..and I’m thankfully aware. I’ll never look at anyone bald or wearing a scarf the same again. It’s what my mother said as well.

The crazy part about the whole thing is……I fell into the category “totally wants to say something but doesn’t get the courage” at lunch. There was a bald lady sitting near us and I wanted to know what her story was and I didn’t have the guts to ask. Maybe she wouldn’t have wanted me to ask. Ironically, I was a bald woman worried about talking to another bald woman.

Last night was my mom’s last night here. She babysat and Mr. LBB and I went out to dinner with our friends Ben and Staci who were in town visiting. It was awesome…..I haven’t been out in months. I wore a wool beanie….and I got SO hot….so I took it off at dinner.  We had to laugh because half the restaurant was bald…..seriously. We were the youngest people by about 30 years.

Update: Someone asked me which category I wished people fell into. I like when people are inquisitive and compassionate because I’m very inquisitive and like hearing what their story is.  I also like when I’m treated completely normal….so probably somewhere in between! I can’t speak for anyone else though. Maybe some of you could let me know what you think…..especially if you’ve been there!  I know I’m a total fail on things like this sometimes….I get social anxiety and want to do the right thing but then become a crazy person. So I’d be the overly friendly and awkward!

****

So…my mom left today….and we already miss her. Who is going to force me to drink green juice and test my PH daily?

My friend Kristina sent me some personalized M&Ms! CHOOSE JOY, NURSES BEWARE, and DEMAND RECOUNT. A few weeks back my HCG numbers didn’t budge….even after starting the aggressive chemotherapy and I told everyone that I had demanded a recount at the doctor’s office. I didn’t believe the number. Turns out the doctor didn’t either and switched labs for my weekly test. I’m learning more and more to speak up when I think something is wrong.

Chemo isn’t until around lunchtime tomorrow…..it won’t be a long day!  Hopefully I’ll get something creative done in the morning.

Oh my gosh….the craziest thing happened: I woke up this morning bald.

And my teeth are bigger. My sister Perry and I joke that we have horse teeth, it takes work to close our mouths. My teeth grew even more with the absence of hair.

I slept in a ski hat last night. It was awesome.

My head feels like it has mint or wintergreen on it…..you know that “cool” feeling?

Diesel (our dog) never even noticed my hair was gone. Dogs are awesome.

I took a shower last night and still used shampoo and conditioner. I don’t like rubbing my head against the grain of the hair…..so I could only wash it in one direction. I’ll get used to it. I didn’t have to put a towel on my head afterwards. I just pat my head dry!

I watched the video from yesterday this morning with Boo and it got to the point where she’s staring at me and I asked her what she was thinking at this moment. She said: I was thinking “are you sure about this?”

All of your comments and messages about the rite of passage video and the cancer chronicles are so overwhelming. And so appreciated. I am completely humbled. I don’t think of myself as an inspiration. I mean, why should my simple little life be at all inspiring? I don’t know…..someone said yesterday that I have a lot of readers and maybe that this is why I was chosen to have cancer. Maybe? I know everything can have meaning behind it….and I don’t want to waste it.

Here’s the honest truth: I do choose joy everyday. There is rarely a moment that I am not upbeat and positive. I’ve been questioned countless times through email: there’s no way you could be this upbeat, it’s not normal, it’s too exhausting, it’s weird. Maybe it’s not normal, maybe it is weird. But it takes less energy. Life is terminal….I’m going to die. That’s the only thing I know for sure. I could be worried about paying medical bills….but I know we’ll figure it out.  I could get angry at an incorrect order at a restaurant….but I’d only ruin the waiter’s day.  I could be self conscious about what I’m wearing but everyone else is probably self conscious too….and it sounds ridiculous for all of us to be in a group being self conscious about ourselves. We aren’t living in the movie Heathers. With any inconvenience I try to tell myself: This too shall pass. And I know it will. The hardest part is realizing it before anger and frustration set in. I remember one day when I couldn’t find Boo’s lunch tickets for school…..all prepaid. Brett was out of town and I was feeling overwhelmed. I got so flustered and frustrated and we were late for school and I took everything from the counter……and literally threw it all very dramatically all over the kitchen floor yelling “NOW let’s see if I can find the @#$@#$ ticket!” Papers, magazines, pencils, snacks…..everywhere. Boo just stood there in horror. She probably thought she was next. The second we walked in the school office Boo said “Ooooh, Mommy made the biggest mess. She threw stuff all over the kitchen. She was so mad. And she said a bad word.”  All I could say was “yep, I need a chill pill. pronto.” It was just a stupid lunch ticket. I probably lost a year off my life with that little rager. I probably lost another year cleaning up the huge mess. And it breaks my heart to think about how horribly Boo’s day started out. It wasn’t worth it.

Anyway, it is just impossible for me to respond to all your comments from yesterday, and if you’ve been around a while you know I like to respond. So I wanted to say thank you. You took precious time out of your day to comment and I want you to know that I appreciate it. I read every comment.