choriocarcinoma Archives - Ashley Hackshaw / Lil Blue Boo

This Is ONLY a Test

December 19, 2011 by Ashley Hackshaw

I’m trying to prepare Boo for the reality that I most likely will lose my hair in the next 2 two weeks. It’s not going so well. If anyone has another technique they think I should use I’m all ears.

I guess it will be traumatic for her right at the beginning but she’ll get used to it. I don’t want her to be scared of me or embarrassed. I think about myself at that age and how embarrassed I’d get of my mother for the littlest things…..it’s not that I was unkind, it’s just that age range when you are just trying to figure out where you fit in. The last thing you want as a kid is a bald mom.

On another note my boob looks as big as a cantaloupe in this photo! I look like I might topple over….too bad it’s just an illusion.

I’ve got my little bag packed for tomorrow with some magazines and my laptop. The nurses say that most people try to sleep through their treatment….um, I never sleep. Hello, I’m new here….and I can’t stay still. I’m not worried or scared about the IVs, drugs or needles…..I’m worried about getting claustrophobic and restless. I’m the patient that unhooked herself from everything after being rushed to the hospital JUST to get out of there. I’m the patient that tried to negotiate being discharged at 12:30am after being admitted for internal bleeding.

I still have a “super cough”….so I’ll spend most of the day trying not to cough which will just make me cough more. I had to take more pain medicine this morning because I pulled a few muscles where my surgery was just from coughing. Most normal people might have anxiety about having cancer and undergoing chemotherapy. I just have anxiety about having to sit in a chair for 6 to 8 hours and coughing all over everyone while they sleep peacefully next to me. And how I’m going to get lunch delivered to the infusion center so I don’t starve to death.

Activity Radiating From An Atom

December 15, 2011 by Ashley Hackshaw

I had my PET scan this afternoon. They had to sedate me so I wouldn’t mess it up with my horrible cough. I had to sit for 45 minutes with a warm blanket in a “quiet room” as the isotope traveled through my body. I think it was the best part of my day. As I sat there all I could think about was the radiation symbol on the wall and I wondered how it came about. Turns out it is supposed to represent activity radiating from an atom……that makes sense. Anyways, I made it through without coughing until they got to my upper thigh…..then I felt like I was going to pass out from a coughing fit…….a few minutes longer and I would have unstrapped myself and crawled out of the machine.

The radiologist Dr. B came out and talked to us right away and basically there’s more questions than there were before I went in for the scan. The good part is that now we have a full scan to use as a baseline going forward to compare to. I’ll talk to Dr. L tomorrow to see what he thinks. Here’s what I took away from the meeting (and why I could never be a doctor):

So…I’m still on track for my new treatment (called EMA-CO) on Tuesday. etoposide, methotrexate, actinomycin D, cyclophosphamide, vincristine. Don’t those ingredients sound lovely?

Lisa brought me this nice, warm blanket as a present so I won’t freeze when I’m there next week…..then Diesel promptly claimed it as his own:

I’m obsessed with scans…..looking at my body one little layer at a time. The 3-D images I have are hilarious….you can totally tell I was wearing a push up bra because of the shape of my boobs. I can only imagine what radiologists see all day…..all different body types, boob sizes, maybe a butt implant here and there. We had some friends over tonight and I had a good time showing them every layer of my body on the computer…..we had no idea what we were looking at……I failed anatomy.

The Cancer Chronicles

December 14, 2011 by Ashley Hackshaw

This will be The Cancer Chronicles now.

Well, the new treatment is scheduled. I start Tuesday. Merry Christmas to me! I’ll be at the infusion center all day….the hardest part will be keeping me there. Tomorrow I have a PET scan. I think we are going to schedule another CT of my brain soon too…..I’ve had a gnarly headache today.

I look in the mirror and think: I should shave my head soon before the hair falls out…..this is the one time I could go all “GI Jane” on my head and no one would think I was nuts.

I got some energy back this afternoon and I decided to make some kung pao chicken. I’m trying to gain a little weight before next week.

Instead of asking “why me”….instead I’ll be glad it’s me. My mother said she wishes she could carry the cancer for me……that’s how I feel…..I’m glad I can carry it. It could be my child or my husband or another family member or friend. I’m tough. It will take a lot for it to bring me down. Maybe I’m meant to have this so I can share the whole experience and help others through it……the Donut Chronicles will take a short break for The Cancer Chronicles. I can blog from the Infusion Center…..maybe it will keep me in my chair!